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From tdprimetime: I very strongly agree with you, Cath and Gaysey! I know many parents who are not necessarily AP, but who are concerned, caring parents nonetheless. IMO, a detached parent views his/her child as an inconvenience as resents the "cramp" the child puts on his/her life. Any and all parenting decisions are made to reduce inconvenience and increase separation, and any attempt the child makes to gain his parent's affection is quickly crushed.
Many people who are not textbook AP are wonderful parents. I loved Cath's observations of the people in her workplace. Aside from that one woman, it seems that each child was loved and recognized, even if it was not in a traditional AP way. I can't say that any of the other parents, based on what Cath observed, was any less of a parent than an AP parent.
Thanks for helping us clarify this point, Cath! Very important
From Schrody2: I agree with the other posts. To me, attachment means approaching your children with empathy -- trying to understand the cause of their behavior and then working with them to modify it. It also means not pushing your child to be independent until they are ready. I plan to let DD self-wean if at all possible, and will let her decide when she is ready to do things like sleep in her own bed and toilet train. I would also never leave her to cry alone.
To me, being detached involves ignoring your children and being abusive towards them, either physically, emotionally or verbally. I consider the vast majority of non-APers to just be normal parents!
From wenzday: I have a friend who I always thought was a wonderful parent. She has never read a book on parenting, never talked to other parents, etc. She breastfed her daughter for a year (she was the first person I'd ever seen breastfeed a baby!) She slept with her (I thought this was bad at the time!) She always carried her (in her arms). I just recently found out from someone who lived with them at the time that every night when the baby woke up she'd scream at her about how tired she was! This just seemed so out of place to me! I guess I always thought of her as AP even though she would have no idea what that meant. She was like my role model as a mother. Now she isn't such a great mom--too much stress I guess?! I guess she's somewhere right in the middle.
I agree DEtached parenting is more like an EZZO thing . . . making your child fit YOUR schedule and YOUR life! My child is my life and I will follow his lead--he seems to do pretty well!
From DSN1: I have to say that I lurk here all the time and have never posted. I do not practice AP, but I am definitely not DP either. I love to hear the advice you have to give on various subjects. You are all great mothers. You are right that there is a middle ground with being AP--or DP. I do not sleep with my ds. He sleeps in a crib in another room now. For the first three months he was in a bassinet in my room. I NEVER EVER would let him cry to sleep. If I hear a peep I'm there in a second. I did not breastfeed for various personal reasons. I formula feed and never felt guilty for it. I never prop his bottle. I think the idea of doing that is absurd (although I think I will breastfeed if I'm lucky enough to have another child). I work full-time and he is left with my wonderful mother. It kills me to leave him. Actually breaks my heart, but for now I do not have a choice and I accept it. I let my son play alone and I also play with him. It makes me happy that he's content with being by himself. If he is alone and seems bored I always pick him up at the first sign of a whimper. People tell me you go to him too fast, leave him. He's not even crying. The best is when they say, "Dawn, he does that because he knows you will pick him up." I always say exactly, he trusts me. I carry him around a lot because I love to be near him. I take him everywhere because I enjoy him. I will never hit my son. I will always try to keep anger and hostility away from discipline. As you can see I do not breastfeed, co-sleep, wear a sling and I work. But I am not DP either. All I know is that my baby is happy, content and I'm truly in love.
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