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Attachment Parenting

Attached and Detached - There Is a LOT in Between!
From Our AP Forum Archives
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Page 6 . . .

From wdutterer: Both my kids were colicky and both were held a lot. I did not breastfeed either child; I just felt uncomfortable, but like the lady in the previous post, Paige my youngest would kick and scream when being put to sleep, so we had no choice but to let her CIO a few times, but I'd get so heartbroken when she'd cry . . . I'd cry right along with her. I tried a sling and carrier and she hated those with a passion. Sleeping with us was hard because there was no room, but she liked her crib from day one. I truly love my girls and I jump at the first whimper.

There was a story here in our local paper that truly disgusted me. A young mother who must have been about 19, had an 18 month old son. The police went to investigate abuse and asked her what she did to her son and she demonstrated for them, she actually picked him up by his arm and threw him across the room. That my friends is detached parenting all the way. Needless to say this girl is pregnant again.

Oh if I might I do have to disagree on one thing though, I do believe a baby can be spoiled and does know how to get your attention. I feel babies are very smart little beings, smarter than we think.

But anyway, great topic and thanks for all the advice and different ways of parenting.

From Diamondwife: Well I know that most people on StorkNet would consider me to be a DPer but let me set the record straight by saying I am FAR from DP! The biggest reason I didn't co-sleep with my first baby was that I had a water bed and I didn't feel it was safe. The bed moved too much. He was in a crib in another room with the baby monitor right next to my head every night. I DID breastfeed for 10 months and then he got thrush and while trying to get rid of it he basically weaned at that point. I wore him in a front carrier a few times but it was a VERY old one; I didn't know about slings at the time. I did on occasion let him CIO and I DID follow some of Ezzo's principles on getting a baby to sleep through the night but that was because Seth was born 6 weeks before my college graduation and I needed some rest. When it came to CIO I knew what the *problem* was. Obviously if Seth was hungry or have a dirty diaper I took care of the issue. Unlike what Sears said I NEVER let him cry for an hour at a time!!! I usually rocked him til he was almost asleep and then put him in his crib. He would usually then fuss for a couple minutes (not really crying and not screaming to the point of throwing up like most people think *Ezzo babies* do.) He is a very adjusted little boy and a HUGE social butterfly. I have never had a problem with stranger anxiety with him. He also began sleeping through the night a few days before my graduation.

Now comes Mikayla (now 12 weeks old). We do much the same thing with her because it worked so well for us all with DS. Neither of my kids have been cuddlers right from day 1. It was rare that after about 4 weeks if they would fall asleep while being held. They are VERY observant and if anything is happening they have to be part of it. This is why I put them in their cribs to fall asleep. I know that if I didn't they wouldn't sleep and I believe that babies require quite a bit of sleep. Mikayla hates to be held and walked unless she is in just the right mood. She loves to be in the stroller though next to Seth and he loves to sit and talk to her. When I had her we had moved out of our waterbed but only had a fullsize bed. There was barely room in there for DH and I let alone a baby. Both kids were in my room for the first two months in a bassinet though. Again monitor is on and right next to my head. I breastfed Mikayla too with the exception of a bottle of formula on Tuesday nights when DH and I go out ALONE.

This being said, I feel that I am very *attached* to my kids. I know their needs, their specific cries, and how to handle them. I spend lots of time nurturing, playing and caring for them. They are allowed in my bed (we just bought a Queen size Select Comfort) if they are sick, had a bad dream or just need me. DS is starting to come in early every morning after DH goes to work and crawl in bed with me. Although he doesn't really want to cuddle; I think he just wants to get out of his bed and find excuses to do it! On the other side I have a family and I believe it is my job as a parent to help each new baby start to fit into the family not the family fit around the baby. If you plan to have 4-5 kids that is a lot of disrupting and redoing the family structure IMO. It is much easier to *train* and guide the baby. I don't agree with all of the aspects of AP style BUT I do understand that the bottom line is nurturing your child and that is my #1 goal in my parenting. I am the best mom I know how to be to MY kids. What I did/do may not and probably will not work for you but to me THIS is natural to me and I make no apologies for it.

On the other hand, I was at the doctor a few weeks ago and was giving Mikayla a bottle in the waiting room. I knew that as soon as I started feeding her they would call me in so I didn't take her out of her carrier. She was out of her coat but was still strapped in. I was holding the bottle in her mouth and *glancing* at her but was always watching so kids weren't messing with her and people weren't tripping over her seat. To many I would have seemed very DEtached from her. I think we are often TOO quick to judge when we see a situation like this. None of us know the reasons behind some of the things others do or the kinds of lives they are living and problems they are facing. We don't know the kind of day they have had and how they feel like jumping off a cliff cause of having such a bad day. I say this to say . . . just be careful in judging and labeling people.

From Schrody2: I think if you reread the thread you will see that the whole point of it is to say that the members of the AP board are NOT judging other parents just because they choose not to follow AP philosophy. We are well aware that the majority of American society does NOT choose to parent in this way and that is fine with us. All we ask is that we be given the same courtesy. The purpose of this board is to support those who DO choose to practice AP, not to judge and bash those who do not. And I think the women here do a wonderful job living up to that goal!

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