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Question of the Month
Each month, we'll be presenting a new question related to grief and healing. Our loss panel, consisting of four experts who have experienced loss, will be responding with their opinions. Click here to meet our panel.

The questions:

  • Intimacy After Loss ~ "Since my baby died, I no longer have the desire to be intimate with my husband. He's being very patient, but I know he wants to make love. It's been months, but making love is how we got into this situation and somehow, it feels wrong to want to feel joy right now. What can I do?"

  • Why, why, why??!!! ~ Why did this happen? I can't seem to stop asking why. How can I move past this?

  • You're Lucky It Was "Just" a Baby Comments ~ My mom has always made comments to the effect that I'm lucky my baby died as an infant and that it would be worse if he had been 4 or 14 or 34. This makes me feel like my grief isn't valid and that I'm crazy for feeling so sad. Is there anything I can say to my mom to stop these hurtful comments? I'm not very strong when it comes to sticking up for my feelings.

  • Not Wanting to Live ~ There are times when I no longer want to live, and I wonder what I have to live for since my baby/child died. How do I know when these thoughts are dangerous?

  • Telling People About the Baby ~ When is it all right to tell people about my baby? He was 2 1/2 months old when he died. I went through labor and a c-section. Sometimes during conversations, I feel like I want to mention him but I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

  • Guilt From Difficult Decisions ~ My baby died after a long struggle and after we decided to remove him from live support. How can I get over the guilt of making that decision and the feeling that maybe we should have done more to help him live?

  • Remembering Away From the Cemetery ~ My baby is buried in another state so I can't visit the cemetery when I like. Is there anything else I can do on birthdays and anniversaries to help me feel like I'm acknowledging my baby? I feel like I've abandoned her since I can't take care of her grave.

  • The Subsequent Baby ~ If my baby had lived, then we certainly wouldn't have been trying to conceive so soon and I wouldn't have my new baby. It's hard to cope with knowing that having one of these babies means I wouldn't have the other. I want both. It's a confusing feeling and few people understand. Am I nuts?

  • Miscarriage ~ I had a miscarriage. My friends say it's no big deal because 1 out of 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. I feel like I don't have a right to grieve but I feel so horrible. Am I normal to feel this badly over a miscarriage?

  • Dealing With Guilt ~ I feel so guilty. How can I get rid of this guilt that I'm responsible for my loss?

  • Acceptance ~ How can I accept this loss? It's just not acceptable! I don't think I can ever accept it.

  • Anger at God ~ I'm angry at God and no longer want to go to church. How could God let this happen, and am I evil for being angry at Him?

  • Moving On ~ What does it mean to move on? Does this mean I have to forget about my baby?

  • Coping with friends and co-workers ~ My family and friends seem to have forgotten about the baby. It hurts so much. Short of avoiding them, what can I do?

  • Am I still a mother? ~ Am I still a mother even though I don't have living children?

  • My other children ~ How do I/should I tell my other children about our loss? If I have another baby, should I tell him/her about their older sibling who died?

  • How Many Children ~ How do I answer the question, "How many children do you have?" without feeling guilty or upsetting the person asking?

  • Remembering during the holidays

  • Coping with the holidays

  • Husbands and wives grieve differently

  • How do you keep the hope alive?

  • Rage ~ I've never felt such rage before. How can I cope with it?

  • Envy ~ Close friend (relative, co-worker, etc) is pregnant, and I feel upset. What can I do?

  • Is it possible to achieve a sense of gratefulness?

  • I feel so alone. What can I do?

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