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Support from husband about staying at home
A Message Board Archive
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From eekamax ~ Does your DH fully support you staying at home? Do you ever feel that he is a tad bit bitter about having to be the sole provider? Do you have feelings of guilt about staying at home and not having to work? Just wondering if you do or ever have experienced any of these things. If so, how did you get past these issues? I really need to hear that the decision to be a SAHM was not always easy for some people.

From Tasha ~ My dh completely supports me being a SAHM; we have an understanding that if he were to lose his job, it will be my turn to take the wheel. I don't think he is bitter about being the sole provider. He honestly feels his job is much easier than mine. I do sometimes feel guilty about not working; mainly when times get rough. I sometimes feel that if I were working, we wouldn't be so far behind in debt. But our decision is that we feel it is in our best interest that one of us stay at home with our kids until they are all in school. We don't like the idea of day care or having sitters; we know what our children are learning this way. For us, me staying at home is better for everyone in the long run. We won't be changing that any time soon.

From WindsKids ~ My husband wants me to stay home,and I want to stay home until she is old enough to go to school. Then I will get a job. We both agreed early on, that when we had kids that I would stay home with them until they are school age, then go work. And he also had the option to stay with them, but he wanted to be the one to work.

From jeanaj ~ There are times that I feel bad, like when we are short on money. The big picture is this though. I can go back to work, but daycare before I quit my job was $1000 per month. That is for school age kids. Daycare for both of them plus a baby is ridiculous. I shudder to think what we would pay. If you make enough to pay the amount, plus have over that amount left over, you may want to work, but at the same time, do you really want a stranger raising your baby? I took DS and DD1 to daycare when I was single, and I don't feel like I raised them. They were so happy the first time they found me at home after school. I can't help thinking today that maybe my son would not have the issues he does, had I been there for him more.

From KiwiZ ~ No I do not have feelings of guilt staying at home and "not working" because I'm definitely working! Just not getting paid for it. It's the hardest but most rewarding job I've ever had! I do have some working friends who think that I'm on "vacation" and aren't I lucky. Funny how when they spend the weekend with their kids that they are tired too! They just don't "get it". Sometimes that bothers me, but mostly I just think it's their problem. My dh and I are a team and we agreed ahead of time that I would stay home for awhile. He thinks it's just as important as I do. In fact, sometimes he says he's relieved to go to work because he considers his job easier than what I do!

From andrewsmom ~ I have been doing this for four years now! Seriously, my dh fully supports me staying at home with our two children. In fact he has said he prefers that I raise them, not a daycare. But there are times that, yes, I do feel guilty not working because we would be so much better off financially. And yes, I think there are times that he is a little bitter about being the primary breadwinner. Especially if he buys something extravagant and I yell at him about it. And of course there are always digs that I am out spending "his" money. Joking or not, it does hurt. But I wouldn't trade this for anything. It does get lonely, and very routine, but is definitely worth it in the long run. Good luck to you!

From ibmommy ~ I sure feel like it is an issue in our home. In February, I was laid off from a great job. We can't live off DH's income alone and I dreaded going back to work leaving my DD in daycare. Luckily through a friend, I got a job working at home making the same $$$ as before, but for some insane reason I have still yet to figure out, DH seems very jealous. I always get comments like you don't work, it is easy to stay at home etc etc etc. YES it drives me mad. Juggling a job and taking care of DD is not always easy and some days it is a breeze. I know deep down dh is grateful that our DD is home but I think he still has problems dealing with I don't have to leave the house if I don't want to, which sure can be a luxury yet at the same time I miss the adult world. I wouldn't trade this time for anything and DH will just have to get use to it! If he could find a job at home and I had a job outside the home, I'd support him.

From MamaJAM ~ Before my DH and I were even married, we discussed having children and our personal thoughts on raising them. BOTH of us have always felt that it's best for Mommy to stay home and raise the kiddies. It's one of the things that really attracted us to each other. So, yes, I've always had his complete support. Also - we've agreed that I will, at no time, get a paying job - 2 of our kids are in school and they need me home now just as much as when they were here all day. He has never shown signs of feeling bitter about being the sole provider for our (ever growing - note baby #4 is due in 3 1/2 weeks) family. Money has been tight sometimes - but he's never complained - in fact, he said that if we ever REALLY needed the money he'd get a second job before asking me to get a paying job. Occasionally I have felt a little bad about him having to go to work - but I usually only feel this way in the summer when me and the kids get to sleep late and he has to get up and off to work. Mostly, I feel we're pretty even . . . I'm with the girls when he's at work and when he's home we split housework and child-care 50/50.

From nebby3 ~ My dh supports it completely but I have felt at times like I am not contributing to the family. I realized though that it takes a lot more than $$ to make a family run. I contribute nothing financially but a ton in terms of teaching the kids, caring for them, cleaning, making the environment we want at home. If you think about, all dh contributes is $$ (well, sometimes it seems that way).

From mary1 ~ DH and I agreed while we were dating that I should stay home with our future family. That being said, the actual staying home is not always easy. I don't feel guilty about staying home while he is out working but I do sometimes feel sorry for DH. After all he gets up early, goes to work, often has meetings in the evening, and gets very little time one-on-one with DD. I do watch myself so I do not yearn out loud for some material thing I know we cannot afford. For instance, yet again we were at the home of some friends with a daughter the same age as ours. Their home is about 4x the size of ours with great furnishings etc. But what I keep in mind is that they both work constantly and nannies raise their child. I raise my child -- and that is what is important to us! Staying home is the right thing for us and we both do not see raising our family any other way. So, there may be occasional thoughts of guilt or sadness, but they are always short-lived and meaningless. We always keep our desire of a SAHM in the front of our minds.

From *Jenn* ~ DH fully supports my staying home. It's just the culture he comes from . . . men work, women raise kids. I always knew that once we had kids I would stay home because I would in reality be working just to pay daycare; there would be no profit. I don't feel guilty about staying at home at all. It's what we knew I would do. However, lately I have been wanting to get at least a part time job. I am having a hard time convincing DH that it would be a good thing. Yes, I love being here with my son but I also crave social interaction with other adults. Guess I can't win em all can I?

From SamBebe#2 ~ My husband definitely wants me to stay home with the kids, and I want to as well. That said, there are times when
- I feel guilty spending money because I don't make any
- I feel like he feels that because he works he doesn't need to help with the kids/house/etc and it gets me grouchy.
- I 'secretly' feel the same as above because instead of asking/insisting for his help I just take it all on myself and sometimes feel overwhelmed, BUT he is very good at communication and also has "trained" me (LOL, bad word choice, but you know what I mean) that he's not a "Hint getter" that I need to ASK for what I want or he will be so oblivious I want to slap him . . .

Staying home is not easy at all; it may seem like a vacation to some but it's not, though I wouldn't trade it for any job. Sometimes I'm tempted to go back to work but I know that it's not worth it for us, financially or otherwise. What really helps is I have a good friend here who is SAHM too and we can support each other emotionally when we feel like it's too hard, or not really valued. When we first moved in to this housing area I was chatting with another mom at the mail box and she told me she worked because she "just couldn't see sitting at home all day, leeching from a husband." I was shocked that someone would say this and that she thought that was what I did all day. Now that I know her, even though I don't say anything, I feel like pointing out to her that I "can't see" having my children in daycare from 5 am to 6 pm So it's all about what you need to do for your family. I think it's sad that it's not the norm to stay home while they are young.

From JacobsMummy ~ Gosh, staying at home is never easy. I know that if I went back to work my 'working day' would be so much easier than looking after Jacob all day - especially when he has a bad day! That said, I have no idea how I would fit in work and all the boring domestic stuff as well as being a good Mummy and wife . . . My DH fully appreciates what looking after Jacob means and he supports me staying at home. Every weekend we take it in turns to have a lie in and whoever gets up is on Jacob duty that day. Today was hubby's turn so he had to settle him to sleep in the night when he woke up, get up with him and do the whole nine yards until bedtime (hubby is now also asleep) so he knows it is hard work! I have to point out I cleared our garden, cleaned all the stone work on the front of our house, cleaned the house and generally did loads of chores so I didn't have the day off exactly!

From *Monica* ~ The only time that I feel a wee bit guilty is at Christmas time and when I am shopping for him. He never fails to make a comment . . . ."Let's see what I bought myself" or "Well, I paid for it" and that's what gets me. I have been on both ends . . . working mom, SAHM and I've never had a more rewarding job as I have now. I know my kids are taken care of and I know that they will appreciate it when they grow up. I'm not sure when I'll go back because even once they are all in school, I want to make sure that I am here when they get on the bus and when they get off the bus. I will probably go back to school once they are all in school, though.

From JacobsMummy ~ My hubby wouldn't dare say a thing. When we first got serious I had some insurance come through and it paid for our deposit for our house and for the renovations, to pay off some debts and for our holiday that year. Regardless of who earns what and who paid for stuff, we are evens, he works at his business and I am working at bringing up our children to be half decent people (I know which is the hardest job...)!

From eekamax ~ Thank you for all of your input. When I posted this message, it was to hear posts like ibmommy and jenmc. I needed to know that I am not alone in the feelings I mentioned in my post. I know that most women are lucky enough to have men who support them staying home and wouldn't want it any other way, but not everyone has it that easy. There are times when my staying home causes problems in our relationship. And yes, the comments Monica mentioned about what "he" bought or the fact that every time I miss a call on my cell phone he leaves a message saying he can't believe he is paying for it when I don't even answer it, etc. He is not always like that, but sometimes the digs really hurt. He works so much neither I nor the baby see him. He says he wants me to stay home, but I know he is jealous and bitter sometimes about it. Anyway that is why I posted this. Things have cooled off since I posted, so I am happy about that. Unfortunately, I know it will come up again though.

From Brandy79 ~ For me dh really wants me to stay at home. I think he is one of those old fashioned type guys. I would love to work, but he would prefer I stay home. I suppose most of my money would be going to child care anyway. All of my married life I have been a stay at home mom, so I am rather used to it.

From Susan Michelle ~ After reading all of the posts, I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. DH wants me to stay home and he'll do anything to keep me here (works a full-time job and 2 part-time jobs). He does sometimes call things "his" but I just put him in his place when that happens. I do, however, feel guilty at times that I'm not "out there working". I guess that's because I've had a job of some type since I've been 13 years old. It was hard for me at first to realize that I was working just as hard as I would be if I were still in an office (I'm just at home) and the rewards are soooooooo much greater. I guess I should add that the reason I think that I initially felt this way is that 1 month before I returned to work from maternity leave the law firm where I worked took me away from the attorney I worked for for years (I loved my job). Also, the exact day I returned from maternity leave to work, 10 attorneys walked out (including my old boss) so I was laid off and I had to adjust to a lot at once. I felt as though I wasn't a good secretary/worker because of the change. I couldn't understand (before I returned) why he didn't fight to keep me but I guess he already knew that I wanted to be able to SAH someday and he wanted to take a secretary with him that he knew wouldn't leave the new firm/position. It was such a blessing in disguise. I just wanted to add that we all are pretty lucky here because we're home with our children. A friend of mine would give her right arm to be a SAHM but her husband won't hear of it. It's a sad story. So I guess that even with our own questions, concerns, etc., we're lucky that we're able to be to SAH.

From Geesebaby ~ I feel that deep inside, my DH would prefer me to work "at least part time." He tends to give me mixed messages, like he'll say that he is glad I'm home (for him and babies) but then when the $$$ is tight, he'll say we just need a little bit more money. Then I feel guilty and unsupported. I hadn't intentionally planned on not working but with twins, it's difficult to find a sole sitter, and we find daycare to be an option we really don't want. I do work 1 morning a week, but pretty much consider myself a SAHM. That is my ultimate goal and something I've always wanted, but there are times when I feel that he'd like me to go back to work at least part time. But...the rubber sure meets the road if I need to be away a full day and he has to be with the babies!! If I go back to work, it would be full shifts (RN) with driving time--that's 9 1/2 hours and holidays/weekends. Boy he seems to change his tune then. I just try to keep in mind why I feel I NEED to stay at home--and that normally helps quite a bit.

From twokats ~ My dh discovered that he loved having me at home when, after a miscarriage, I took some time off to recoup. I was home when he was, had dinner ready most of the time, the house was in reasonable shape, and he didn't have as many chores to do. He loved that I was at ease and happy, most of all. He didn't even want me to return to work at all, even though we didn't have a baby yet, but since I wanted to go, I agreed to go back part-time. Once the baby came, however, neither of us has even considered me working for a day. He says it gives him peace of mind to know that I am here with DS, that other people aren't influencing him, and that he is receiving the best care there is. My dh is in no way a chauvinist--he pitches in TONS to help out with DS and the house whenever and wherever I need him to. He recognizes that sahm's have a really tough job, and he respects and admires my contentment with the situation, in spite of the fact that I get really lonely sometimes or even a little bored--something I have never experienced before. I think that his support, respect, and appreciation for what I do makes it possible and enjoyable for me to stay at home, and pushes me to be the very best mom I can be.

From mary_c ~ I have been a working mom and a SAHM. I used to be a head teller at a bank and I loved my job. I had to work then I was a single mom of 2 children. My babysitter was a close friend whom I had known since elementary school. My kids loved her and she loved them. She treated them like they were hers. Two years ago I remarried, 3 months later my husband was transferred to another town. I quit my job that I loved and our family moved. We decided I would not look for a job until school started back in the fall. When school started I looked for a job in banking but every bank here wanted me to work until 6pm every night which meant the kids would have to go to some kind of daycare. I had really enjoyed having the summer off and just being with the kids. After we sat down and figured out what I would make, subtracted out daycare and all the extra meals we would eat out because I would be too tired to cook, I wouldn't have made anything. My husband works out of town about 20 days a month so I couldn't depend on him to help much with the kids. Me staying at home has been a blessing in disguise; I actually get to go to all the school parties and volunteer at the school. We are now talking about having baby. I enjoy being with my kids more than anything else. I have no regrets. My husband enjoys having me at home when he is home. He never says anything about money; if he did I would have to put him in his place because this is a decision we made together.

From canuckmom ~ My DH completely supports me being a SAHM. He knows that it's the only job I've ever wanted. We talked about me staying home even before we got married so it wasn't a shock. Sometimes he kids me that I don't bring in anything but I just remind him that I can go on strike and he'll have to take care of the kids, do laundry, food shopping, cleaning . . . That stops the kidding! I'm lucky that he supports me. I'm the happiest I've ever been and I don't even want to go back to work when the kids are in school. I want to be home when they get home and hear about their day right away!

From KH ~ I feel very fortunate to be able to be a FT SAHM, and even more fortunate that my husband is completely supportive of my role in the family. The decision for me to stay home was one that we made together. We planned our family very carefully and when doing so, we made sure that financially we would be in a position to live on one income without there being resentment on anyone's part. Of course we could always use more money (who couldn't), but I think the fact that we planned things so carefully together, really helped during the transition to SAHM. My husband knows all too well what it takes to look after our son and our house - he would never need to ask, "what did you do all day?". On the weekends and in the evening my husband takes a very active role with our son, which I think helps him recognize - and appreciate - what it takes to parent our little guy. Being a SAHM is not without stress, and I make it a point to discuss my feelings with my husband when I think he can do something to help, or just when I need someone to listen. I've found that having a big network of fellow SAHMs to talk to also helps with the stress and isolation. I am expecting baby #2 in November and expect my perfectly balanced life to be turned upside down once again, but with my husband's support, I know we'll be just fine.

From divinebovine ~ I have been a SAHM since Bennett was born, I had planned to take 6 months to one year off, and had saved enough money from my job to do so, but I couldn't imagine leaving Bennett in daycare so I didn't return to work. Only for the past six months has my husband been (almost) entirely financially supporting me. We did discuss it at length, and in theory he thinks this is all for the best. I've been trying to start up a home business of some sort. However, in practice . . . I get less than one hour "off" per day. I do all the night care, the majority of the housework, obviously all of the day care, the feeding (haven't been able to wear a nice outfit in nearly two years so why bother to lose the pregnancy weight!) and it has been this way since Bennett was born. I teach dance classes from time to time, and Bennett comes with me even when my husband is available to watch him (he will probably develop some odd fixation on ballerinas later in life). The other day at Gymboree I heard two dads discussing how nice it was that they could bring their kids there and give their wives a little down time because childcare was an exhausting 24/7 job, and I almost cried wishing my husband could hear that. And I still feel guilty asking him to do more, even though he has recently been laid off and got a great severance package and already has a new job lined up in a few months so that we don't need to worry about finances. I make an effort to take Bennett out for at least several hours every day so that he can have some totally baby-free time to get ready for his new job, work out, watch sports, whatever. The fact that I am totally worn out is at least in part my fault because of my reluctance to ask for help - I feel like my DH should take more interest in hanging out with his little boy, but clearly the initiative will have to come from me. It's not the 1950s, where one might expect to have a lot of friends and neighbors who also were staying at home with their kids who could theoretically provide some support and help out in a jam with babysitting - I'm 35 and none of my close friends even have children yet. At least there's StorkNet!

From Ursula ~ Do you think that staying home is the very best thing for your family? I mean, maybe it's not as black and white an issue for you as it is for me, but, even so, would putting your child(ren) in the care of others and going off to earn an income each day really be best for your family?

From 2sweetgirls ~ DH and I agreed to my being at home when the kids were small when we were dating, also . . . and he does support it . . . but our budget is very tight right now. He is currently thinking of looking for another job and going back to school, as well. I sometimes see the weight of the financial burden on his shoulders-and sometimes it does leak through with subtle remarks he makes which in turn can make me feel guilty. But for me to go back to work would mean two kids in daycare and we'd be just about the same as we are now--only the daycare would be raising the kids. So it doesn't make much sense and he knows that. I am going to be doing a part time business (Pampered Chef) this year . . . I can put on cooking shows in the evenings or weekends while he can watch the kids and that way, earn hopefully a few extra $$$ free of childcare (and give me some time away from home now and then.) So it makes me feel better about making a little money. But we all have to remind ourselves that what we do is not only hard but the most important job in the world . . . it just doesn't pay with monetary rewards.

From PattiS ~ I tried working for four weeks and it killed me inside. Plus my beautiful little boy that took over six years to have was having digestive problems; he vomited all the time. The third time to the ER we decided together, as soon as he found a permanent job I would quit and stay home. At two and half months Brandon was diagnosed with Acid Reflux and put on medication. And by the grace of God Scott found a new job in two weeks. I don't regret our decision; he wanted me there as much as I did. The financial sacrifices we make are priceless considering what the rewards are in the long run. I am watching him grow, sharing in his successes and struggles. We are a team parenting unit, I am very fortunate to have someone that loving and supportive. He acknowledges that it is a job and that it's just as stressful, frustrating, and rewarding as his career. There are always jobs out there, you are only a mom once!

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