From Sandy ~ I'll be joining this board around January sometime when I have to return to work. I'm expecting Nov. 22, and will need to return to work after 7-8 weeks. The good news is I will mostly be working 20 hours/week, but at other times, 30-40. My question is: how do you cope with having to work and be away from your baby, especially when he is so brand new? I can tell it's going to be hard, and it will break my heart to not be with him (although I'm sure I'll want a break here and there). Fortunately, my husband and I have weekends off together, so we'll have family time, but still, knowing that other people will be handling him when he's so little and new . . . I'm very picky about how I take care of my stuff, I'm sure I'll be no different about my baby (although I'll try hard to not get carried away). If we can, we'll avoid general day-care as much as possible, and baby-swap with other friends of ours instead.
Any advice is greatly appreciated (how you cope, feelings you've gone through, things to keep in mind, how it affects your bond with baby, etc.).
From Mojo ~ My son went to daycare when he was 2 months old, and he has thrived. I'll just list some of the reasons why it's worked so great for us; I know that not everybody is lucky enough to have a situation like ours though!!
-Most (I say that loosely as what's good for one isn't always great for another) babies thrive in a structured, routine enviroment. They have a schedule that they stick to pretty well, and we try to do the same thing on our days at home. He seems to do better when he can "anticipate" (I also say that loosely as he's only 19 months old) what's coming next.
-The daycare center we use has CAMERAS. They tape every aspect of my child's day. I can ask at any time to see the tape if I'm not comfortable with something that may have happened (fortunately that hasn't happened yet).
-The people who work at our center are (for the most part, there are always a few that rub us the wrong way) great people who treat our kids like thier own. When we drop him off in the morning, we usually stay and talk and watch Mathew play for a few minutes. They know his quirks, and they know when he's not acting "right" and immediately clue in to changes in his behavior and ask us about them. They are very compassionate and try their best to work with a child through any problems that may occur. Recently I changed work schedules and was working 12-hour nights, so I was sleeping through the day and I hardly saw Mathew, and it was reflecting in his behavior at daycare. They asked us about it and we told them what was going on, and once they knew what the problem was, they knew to just let him be or give him extra hugs, whatever the situation required.
These are just some things I can think of off the top of my head. Yes, we did/do miss our munchkin when we're at work, but I call to check up on him whenever I feel like it and they always go out of their way to let us know how his day was when we pick him up. Overall, I think we're doing okay. Mathew is happy and very well-adjusted, he plays (fairly) well with other kids, he's still in the "there's nobody but me" stage, but now he acknowledges their existence and will play for short amounts of time.
From zachytacky ~ I would have lost my mind had I not had someone I'd met well before we decided to have a baby. She took care of most of the babies born to moms in my former office and in her home, which was clean, cozy, and fun. The morning I first dropped him off, one of the girls was there to sort of distract me from breaking down. Otherwise, I brought bottles of breastmilk to her and she loved him up all day. On days that I couldn't take it anymore, I just left work and went to get him. Granted, I'd worked here long enough that I had enough time to take off like that. And, there were only girls in her care at the time, and they loved on Zach, too.
Other than that, I just made sure that when we got home in the evenings, Zach got my attention. Housework and everything else that could wait, waited. Same thing on weekends. I only cleaned when he napped, and when I was done I laid down with him.
He's 3 1/2, and I have the same philosphy now--spend all the time I can with him. When he's grown and gone, I won't regret a minute.
From jimsgirl ~ I just recently went through the same thing. I had to go back after just 6 weeks with my little man, and the thing that has helped me out the most is that he's doing, surprisingly, so well! We changed daycare providers just recently because of travel time, and though he seemed to like his old daycare, he loves his new one!!
The positives he gets from this include having structure and schedule, and also variety. He actually was getting fussy because he didn't see a variety of faces when he was home with me.
Leaving him was one of the hardest things I've ever done -- the first few days I felt like I was abandoning him. But seeing how he's thriving under their care makes me feel so much better -- and I have a happier boy at the end of the day. If my situation were different, I would be a stay-at-home mom. But this is definitely the next best thing!
A few suggestions. 1) Find a good daycare that you feel comfortable with. It's hard looking for a daycare when you don't want to leave your child in the first place, but that will do so much more for your child and you if you're comfortable with where he/she is at. 2) Take pictures of him/her to work with you. I have pictures loaded on my computer at work so I can look at my little man any time I want to. As he grows, I change the pics. This really helped me my first few days back. 3) Call the daycare provider to check on him. I feel so much better when I hear that everything's fine. 4) One thing I'm going to do (haven't done yet) is to take a disposable camera to daycare and have them take pics every now and then. That way, you don't feel so much like you're missing out on everything, and your child will have pictures of those years later in life. And the most important suggestion I have: 5) Give that little one tons of hugs and kisses when you get home!!!
Good luck. It's not easy, but keep reminding yourself that you are doing what's best in your situation for you and your little one. Feel free to email me if you have any questions or suggestions for me!!
From Sandy ~ Thank you so much for your replies and advice!! It's encouraging to hear that babies can adjust and thrive well in the care of others (just as long as they don't forget who Mommy is). Still, I know it will be hard, but to hear that you all are doing well in that situation makes me feel a little better.
If push comes to shove, my husband said that we could live off his income, we would just have to tone things down a few notches and be more frugal. But for me, I'm getting my B.S. degree this December, and I enjoy what I do at work, so I don't want my skills to go completely stale, either. But any way I look at it, I'm willing to sacrifice all for my baby if that's what he needs.
From Huntersmommy ~ I just wanted to give you support. The day I went back to work (my son was 9 weeks) I found this board and it helped me tremendously to hear that what I was going through would get easier. And it does. That first week is awful. I cried all the way to work and broke speed records driving to get my little man. But I am fortunate enough to have a great daycare where he gets lots of attention and is very active. They've been supportive with breastfeeding and anything else I need. My little man is attached to the workers there and seems to be happy. (He's seven months.)
There's already great advice above, but I echo those who say they have let housework go. My husband and I work together. He knows how I feel about being away from our son. I would rather be at home, but that's not possible right now. So he cooks and cleans in order to give me time with him. We spend our weekends as a family.
That being said, Mondays are still very hard sometimes. And I still have bouts of guilt. But I know that he is in good hands and is happy. I just enjoy every minute I have with him, and try to be thankful that so many kind and caring people are in his life.
From jen702 ~ I went back to work when my daughter was only 4 weeks old. Fortunately she stayed home with my husband during the day so it really wasn't like i was leaving her with strangers. I will add that although there are days when I'm lucky to see her for half an hour before she goes to bed, she ALWAYS has the hugest smile when she sees me. She'll never forget who mommy is and I appreciate those smiles and hugs so much more now.
This board is great for support too. Thankfully I have internet access at work, so I can always check into StorkNet and talk to other mommys.
From laurissa ~ What has helped me is choosing a daycare provider near work. I visit my little guy at lunch most days. We also have the commute together. While it is very hard every day to leav, it is possible because he likes the daycare provider and I like the daycare provider.
From caligula02 ~ My husband has been a great help and we have a wonderful daycare provider who does daycare in her home. Since I know I can trust my son with both my husband and the daycare provider, I feel secure at work. The only thing I regret is that my son goes to bed so early that I only get about an hour in the morning and at most 4 hours with him at night.
My son and I make the most of the time we have and of course, there are always the weekends. My husband does bring my son in to work once a week so the three of us can have lunch together.
From gsob01 ~ I admit at first it was hard to leave my daughter and go back to work. I think I just had to adjust to it like anything else. I do leave her with family. I think that made it much easier for me. I do think about her all day in work.
From catkrazy99 ~ It wasn't very hard for me because I only worked 1-2 days a week at first and my daughter was home with my husband. I still only work 3 days a week and the hours are from 7:30 - 1:00 so it is just long enough for me to be gone from her. I also love what I do, though it doesn't pay much, I work with animals and enjoy going into work every day and I'm usually quite busy - too busy to have time to worry about what my daughter is doing with daddy.
From Fern ~ My baby was 9 weeks old when I started back to work part time, and 12 weeks old when I went back full-time. I had been dreading returning to work SO MUCH but I actually found that it was better for me.
When I was home with her full-time during maternity leave, I was just so run down from being chipper all the time. You know, you have to be constantly entertaining, ready for action, switching activities constantly . . . I didn't realize how exhausting it was until I returned to work and suddenly had all this energy! Now when I pick my daughter up at 5:15 from our awesome daycare provider, I am ready to be "on" for the next 3-4 hours. I have the energy to think of new things to do with her instead of plunking her in her bouncy seat so I can just sit in front of her and rest.
As far as affecting my bond with her, I actually think we're even more bonded to each other now. Being at work makes my time with her even more precious. It is OUR TIME, no interruptions. I have the energy to put her needs first that entire time. when I was home all the time I was just too tired to do everything she wanted to do.
The first day I was back at work full time was tough, but the second day was much tougher. After that it started getting easier. We now have a daycare provider I have complete confidence in -- she cares for our baby just the way we would if we were with her. If you have any reservations about your care provider at all, look for someone new. Trust your gut -- don't brush it off and think, "oh, i'm just being picky."
Something to keep in mind is that if your baby is with someone who cares for him/her, that person will be trying things to soothe and entertain your baby that you wouldn't have thought of. My sister taught my baby to take a pacifier occasionally, when I had given up on trying. My daycare provider taught me a new way to hold her to relieve her pain from reflux. it will help you be a better parent to your little one. Don't worry! The separation honestly will make you a more patient and attentive mom during the time you're home.
From Starshine ~ My son has been in a home daycare since he was 2 months old. Honestly the first day I dropped him off and left quickly because I was crying and didn't want to upset him. I called a few times and after a while realized that he was doing fine. Honestly I think it helped him and us because I would have spent my days holding him constantly, with no schedule. He is a well adjusted happy beautiful child. Now part of the hardest thing is sometimes he doesn't want to leave. I have decided that is a good thing though I admit it hurts. Because as my mom put it (she was a working mom) it is much better to have a child who doesn't want to leave the sitter than one that cries when you leave. I know he is happy there and that makes it easier.
