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From Spanky2 ~ WOHM guilt - what's yours? Does anyone else feel this way?
I could probably stay home and we could "survive" on dh's income. By that I mean, we'd have to cut, cut, cut our living expenses. No internet, satellite, long distance phone calls (my family is all long distance). No eating out, cutting down on utilities (no more hot baths!), shopping generic brands. Basically it would be a dramatic lifestyle change for us, and I don't want to do it. I think I'd get really depressed and resentful and basically be very unhappy. It's not just the tangible "things" either. I LIKE doing a great job at work and being rewarded. I LIKE the challenges my job entails. I LOVE my co-workers.
I feel so terrible when I read about other families who are sacrificing so much so one parent can stay home. Why don't I want to do that too? I wonder whether it makes me a bad parent, even though I know I'm not. Ack! Do we ever think we doing good enough?
Anyone else share this frustration?
From lilpea ~ Honestly, I have no guilt. I would be more guilty if I stayed home because I am not of that cloth - if you know what I mean. I see how well my DD is doing and how advanced she is both socially and intellectually and I know I am making the right decision for her. As I am faced with the possibility of being a SAHM since I am losing my job, I am hoping we can work it out that she can at least remain in day care for some period of time.
From TangoMom ~ No guilt here. Thanks God I was working and well established when dh was laid off, or we could be banging pots at the Plaza de Mayo.
From Nikki 227 ~ There are days when I do feel guilty and then there are days when I do not. I mean I have to work. I am a single mother and I have to pay the bills. But when those little eyes look up at me and ask me why I have to go to work instead of staying home and playing with him, well it's hard not to feel bad. Plus the fact that I share custody with his father, so on top of working and not seeing him I split the week with his father too.
He is really happy where he is now, and he will be moving on to preschool which is going to be really good for him, so I know he is fine.
From pinkbows ~ I honestly have no guilt because if I did not work, DD and I are would be on welfare. I am a single mom so staying at home was not a choice for me. No Choice, No Guilt KWIM? I do have TONS of other things that I have guilt about, but that one;s easy. It's like the decision was made for me.
I do believe that all women were not cut out to be a SAHM. My middle sis has been doing it for 7 months and the other day she told me if she did not find a job she would scream. It's not just being at home all day, but the cutting out of all of those life's little luxuries that truly made her and her family happy. I am not knocking those that do, but NO ONE says that you have to. I like the fact that dd and I can go out to eat, live in a nice place, have a nice car, watch cable and buy clothes every month. If you are miserable because you can't do those things, is it better or worse for you and your family? I truly see nothing wrong with wanting, desiring and needing to work outside the home.
From aimeen ~ Spanky2, I feel the same way you do and I feel terribly guilty about it.
I just went back to work after having ds#2. The truth is I don't *HAVE* to work. Yes, if we moved to a smaller house, bought cheaper cars, cut back in major ways I probably could afford to stay home. DH makes a pretty good income. I make a pretty good income. Together we are doing very well. I entertain thoughts of quitting but I honestly don't want to give up all that having my job entails. I went to college and got a good job. I am doing very well where I work. If I quit, I seriously doubt I'd be able to get back into the industry I am in years down the road (computer programmer). I (more or less) like what I do. I like knowing that we are saving money for my children's education, for retirement and for the nice extras like vacations and such.
My boys are at an excellent daycare. My dh works at a very family friendly company and one of the perks is a highly subsidized on-site daycare. The teachers there all have degrees and are employees of the company (with the same benefits, etc). Turnover is almost non-existant. The boys are well taken care of and happy.
But still I feel guilty often and question what I am doing. I just don't think I am cut out to be a SAHM. But I look at others that HAVE to work and feel guilty about complaining. And then I look at others who are SAHM's and who look down on me and I feel guilty that I'm not willing to make those kinds of sacrifices for my family. And then when I have a good day at work, I feel guilty for enjoying what I am doing and not feeling guilty!
I guess this is kind of disjointed. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I do feel the same way you do.
From Liz F. ~ I work because I have to. I'm a single mom now and I have to provide for us. But, I still feel guilty. I really wish I could be a SAHM. If I did stay at home, I would still put DD in pre-school for part of the day -- at least some days per week. But I feel so bad when I get her up in the morning and she cries to stay home. She loves her school. She has wonderful friends in her class and the staff at her school is amazing. So I don't feel bad about leaving her at school per se. I just wish I could be with her more. There are so many things I wish I could do with her but can't. On the other hand, I am able to provide well for us. She has many advantages that I didn't have and I know she is very attached and bonded to me. So, I know she is OK. It's just that things in my life have not turned out the way I had hoped.
From AmyL ~ My only guilt is there are many days I actually enjoy leaving for work . . . used to be all the time and probably will be again as soon as I change locations.
I am not meant to be a stay at home parent. My husband is the more nurturing parent and I just can't replace that man under any healthy circumstances and really doubt I would want to meet a circumstance that I can. (Yes when the boys are sick they have found out Mommy is the better person to puke and be ill with. Something about them being sick makes me MOMMY. DH and I joke that I am Dad and he is Mom unless illness is around.)
I do not regret being the parent who works outside the home. I actually think it makes me love and long for the boys more.
From mum2G ~ I don't feel guilty at all. I've just spent 5 days at home with the boys and I'm exhausted, I'm much better off working, it keeps me sane. My boys are in a great nursery, they love it and I trust them.
I reckon if my boys are well cared for and I'm in a decent job then I'm happy I make a better mother.
I don't think it matters if you need to work or not, I'd be worried if I had no time left for my boys and my work took over. I think you need to get the balance right for you, your partner and your children.
From Mykar ~ I also have days when I have guilt, and days when I don't. I stayed home with DD for 5 months when she was born. I was actually a little relieved that I went back -- I was supposed to be gone for 6 months but a co-worker was quitting and they desperately needed me. I *LOVED* being home with Alexis, but unless I specifically have something planned that I have to do/get done, I find that I dawdle and waste the day away.
I thought I wanted to be a SAHM when I was at my old job. Now, I've been at this job for 3 years, and love the way it is. I take DD to and from school, which is currently by my work (we are switching soon, it's becoming too expensive with no additional benefits for us). So, we talk in the car, sing, and have a good time. There are times when I come home after a bad day (rare) and can be abrupt, angry, or don't want to be bothered. But you know what? I find that just coming home and cuddling with her makes it all worth it, and I forget about those bad things.
I also remember that with my salary (bigger than DH's), we were able to buy a brand new house, pay off DH's nice truck last month, keep DD in a nice daycare (and the new one is going to be even better, just less expensive!), AND I just bought a new Toyota Highlander as my new car. My first ever BRAND new car. We would still be in our tiny, 2 BR house, with older cars, just barely making it. And you know what? I'd probably be the one working, anyway -- I have always made more than DH.
I like the extras that we have, and my daughter is a wonderfully social, friendly, and super-smart kid. She has lots of friends, loves her school (every once in a while wants to stay home), and when we DO take a day off she treasures it even more. I would like to have more children but DH and I decided we are just not ready, and our lifestyle is not ready, to handle another. But someday.
Of course, if I hit the lottery I'd stay home and have another baby right away.
From patnrose ~ I am also sort of a single mom - I have my kids 50% of the time so I do HAVE to work.
But, even if I didn't have to, I would. I love my job and believe strongly in what I do (social work). I cannot fathom being a SAHM and I KNOW I am not cut out for it. Like some of you mentioned, my XDH is much more nurturing and patient. He is my children's primary caregiver. DD goes to preschool 1/2 days and DS is at home until he turns two. I work in the daycare field and I give childcare providers and SAHMs a lot of credit, but it's not for me.
My new "special friend" is going to be a professor - he's getting his PHD right now, and he asked me if I'd ever be a SAHM if I got married again (hopefully to him) and even though I know he will make good money, I still wouldn't/couldn't do it.
From Coco ~ I don't feel the guilt too much, though sometimes I wish I could be home more with Aaron, but that feeling quickly passes. I'm also a single mother, but even if I did have a rich husband, I'd still work. I LOVE working, being out and about, interacting with adults, etc. I like making my own money. I'd never be cut out to be a SAHM either; it's just not me. I love my son, but I get bored easily. There's no way I could stay sane if I were a SAHM (if I had that choice).
From lil'bird ~ I have my days when I feel guilty. Our financial situation doesn't allow for me to stay at home right now but if I could, we would need to be very well off. Not even for the extras/luxuries but because if I were a SAHM I would want to be involved in activities and for the most part, those cost money! I work a compressed week, so I have Mondays off and squeeze 42 hours into Tues-Fri. I love my Mondays off with my dd but I have to admit, I'm far more tired on Monday night then I am the rest of the week when I am at work. Its much harder to take care of her all day than come to the office!! She spends 2 days in daycare which aside from germs and getting several colds, has been good for her. She is around other people and other babies which I think is important. She spends 1 day with her dad and one day with her gramma. So that helps knowing she is with family 3 out of the 5 days. But if money was no object, I'd be at home AND I'd have 10 more!!!
From catkrazy99 ~ No guilt here at all. I've worked my schedule to be one that I'm happy with and that benefits dd, dh and I. I am usually only gone 3 days a week for only 5-6 hours which is just enough. I get to leave dd at home with her daddy so that they can have some good bonding time. My dd is very outgoing and smart, so I do not believe she has suffered in any way from me being gone 18-20 hours a week from her life.
I work my job (yes, job, not a career) because I love it and the day that I see that working is no longer beneficial for us then I'll quit. I just hope that day never comes because I really do love my job. Oh, and if I ever stop loving my job, I'll quit.
The other day dd asked me to please not go to work and I looked her straight in the eye and told her that "mommy's tired of cleaning the house, so she's going to work to rest," LOL! But seriously, I do let my dd know that I love my job and that is why I go and that even though I love her more than my job, there is room in our lives for me to do both. I want dd to know that people can be happy at their jobs.
From babybel ~ As a new mother, I've been surprised at how little guilt I feel about working. I really think our current arrangement is working just fine. Then I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. You just can't win...
From Jules ~ Now that I have my children in a quality daycare/preschool, I don't have much guilt, honestly. I was a SAHM for 3 years and while I wouldn't trade that time for the world, I feel I'm much better suited to being a WOHM. I sometimes felt guilt when I was a SAHM that I wasn't doing a good enough job in that role. In an ideal world I would work 3 days a week, but since that isn't an option financially, I am working full time.
From Jen1 ~ I don't have any guilt. I am best as a WOHM. My mother always had a career and I think that has shaped my views. I don't need to work but choose to anyway. Older DS is in school and younger DS is in an amazing daycare setting. I am lucky enough to be home by 3:00 daily. I feel blessed to have a great schedule, a great job and a wonderful daycare situation.
From Quoth ~ I'd give up work to be a SAHM in a minute. I feel guilty going to nursery to work with other people's kids and leaving my own.
From stargirl ~ No guilt on the mommy-side. I have a stbx who won't get a job, refuses to pay child support, otoh, I have a great job with pretty good pay. What am I going to do - quit my job and go on welfare? (and how long would that last?) With this job I can even manage to not have to put her in full-time and have summers off with her.
Yes, I'm very lucky about that. My work does suffer, though. When she's sick, I have to stay home, and my classes get cancelled *too* much, or my colleagues pick up the classes for me. I try to make it up to them in other ways (like volunteer for the really time-consuming committees).
