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StorkNet Home > Parenting Channel > Working Mothers Cubby
When HE'S on Maternity Leave
by Kenyatta Thomas
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I had Christian via cesarean section, and my husband stayed home with us the first three weeks, and then the fourth week he worked from home. He did not take vacation for that time off; his job paid for it. It was a blessing! I realized from my co-workers, that it is VERY uncommon for a company to let a man stay home for a prolonged period of time after the birth of his child.
Here are some more thoughts regarding men and maternity leave:
 I think it would be nice if more could. Scott took off a couple of days right after Gracie was born and then he had a couple more off about a week later because I had gotten blood clots and was OFF MY FEET (aaaggghhh with a newborn). He didn't get paid for it, but his company didn't give him any static either. ~Ronda
My husband took off 12 weeks. We saved money and vacation time, so he was paid for about half of it. From the reactions we got, my guess is that it's pretty uncommon. A lot of people at his job were either (quietly) irritated that he was gone or just couldn't relate. Of course, it was a pretty long leave. Some people thought it was pretty cool though, and we had a very cozy winter together as a family. ~Beth
My husband is a police officer, and my son was born 3 1/2 weeks early due to a car accident. He was born on 12/22 and my husband had to be in work on 12/25. With the holidays, they couldn't get anyone to cover for him. They did let him work the sector where we live so he could pop in frequently, which he did. He was able to take some time off after the new year. I wish he could have been there. I had problems with Justin's breathing and jaundice. For a first time mom learning to breastfeed, it was VERY difficult. Luckily, my mom came and stayed with me for the first week. ~Tammi
I really think that fathers should get time off to be at home with the mothers and babies in the beginning. I had read every book in the world about parenting and babies and thought I was SO prepared, but when I actually held that baby in my arms, I realized how very little I did know. I needed my husband there to help reassure me. ~Kathy
With my first son, my husband worked for a contractor and so had no paid time off. Nathan was born Sunday night; my husband went back to work Thursday. Fortunately, my mom was able to come stay about a week. This time, his boss (very small company) told him to take a couple of weeks, although he did go in for a few hours here and there (including a trip to Las Vegas). When that two weeks was up, he got laid off. But she didn't charge the time off to his vacation, and paid him for that when he left. He worked off and on for an old employer since mid-July. Yesterday, he started a permanent, full-time position. So this time, he got quite a bit of time off, but not because he had a wonderful employer!! It is very uncommon for men here to take more than a week off. You sometimes see it when wife or baby has complications. And even then they often work from home, or come in for a couple hours during the week. Men have the same FMLA protection as women, but I think there is a social stigma about taking it. ~Andrea
As uncommon as it may seem, I think EVERY parent should have the right to stay at home upon the birth of their child AS WELL AS the adoption of a child. I think all around it is better for BOTH of the parents, as well as the new addition to the family.
There are also many stay at home dads out there who are are growing part of our community . . .
I'm 20 weeks along with our first. I make only 75% of my husband's salary but am a resident physician so can't very well quit or even work part-time until I'm done with training. My husband is a programmer and after the baby is born, I will continue working (after maternity leave, of course) while he stays home with the baby. We sometimes get "friendly" jabs from acquaintances about him being a stay-at-home dad, "sacrificing his masculinity", etc. and it's starting to irritate me. Has anyone else had trouble with this? ~FLYGIRL
I can't really help you in that area other than my husband was home for two months after our daughter was born for medical reasons. I was home too but he still tells everyone that it was the best two months of his life and he would do it again if he could. If we get pregnant again he has said that he wants to take the time off again. He use to always talk about quitting his job to stay home and take care of his nieces and nephew for his sisters. I think he would have done a wonderful job too. I think if your hubby is able to and wants to than he should. Forget what others say and try not to let it bother him. Everyone is different as we all know; maybe it will be something he truly enjoys and maybe he won't but you can deal with that once he is given the chance to try. It is your personal decision and people need to respect this. It's what is best for your family and that's all that should matter. ~Tina
My wonderful husband is my sons Mommy. I am just around for milk and money. (At least that is what I have been told by my husband.) He loves being the one to stay at home. I am just glad one of us can!! He gets the occasional jab, but everyone in town sees how good he is with Jonathan. My husband plays with him the entire day, takes him out for daily strolls (weather permitting), and still encourages me to breastfeed/pump. Until your husband is the SAHD he will get jabs from all sides. Once he becomes the SAHD most comments from people who know you will cease, although the occasional idiot will dare open his mouth to my husband. To those my sweetheart either returns the favor or walks away. My response is pretty recited and when said by me can get quite a biting tone. We decided before we even got engaged a stranger would not raise our children. With me working we have enough security to keep our promise to ourselves and who better to raise Jonathan than MY husband!
Now after the little one arrives, you as the working mom will take more jabs than my husband. You will get a lot of . . . "didn't you want to stay home," "aren't you jealous of your husband??" and my personal favorite, "don't you feel so guilty coming to work." ~Amy
I learned a LOT from my husband staying home. It made me a much better mother, as well as making him a better father. It humbled me, in a way, because he WAS good at it. I didn't get the luxury OR the burden of being the "expert". I didn't have to pull every dirty duty, didn't have to ever say, "Here, let ME do it, you are doing it wrong." And I having a "superior" attitude, either didn't undermine HIM. Most importantly, I learned that HE is not the kind of parent *I* am, and that is not only okay, it is GREAT. He does things that I would never think of. He does things in ways that don't work for me (and I do things in ways that don't work when he tries them, either). I learned from him that when our son was frustrated, there was another solution other than just fixing the problem for him or taking him away from it. I learned that my son gets more focused after he gets frustrated, has more concentration, and has more SUCCESS if we let him yell his frustration out first (while sitting with him, patting him, telling him we understand how upsetting it is to struggle to succeed, telling him that he can try again). I'd never have understood how persistent our son could be if we only did things MY way. In fact, I would have undermined his every attempt to succeed at something difficult!
So, you'll ALL be better off for you HAVING to let your husband be the one in charge for part of the day. My only advice other than remembering to back off and let him learn to do stuff HIS way, is to not expect everything to get done every day. Our rule was that as long as our son was fed, played with, happy, and relatively clean (depending on the activities), it was a good day - and anything else was GRAVY (like cleaning, cooking, etc.). As sole wage earner, you'll find that you understand the burden most guys feel about being the wage earner much better; it is frightening to take on that TOTAL financial responsibility. You may find you are terrified of messing up, losing it all, and letting them down. And then you'll get over that, too. I was making the same, proportionally, as you - 3/4 of what he made. We got too far in debt by using the credit cards too much (I recommend living on cash as much as possible!!!), we didn't budget tightly enough. So we're climbing out of debt now (no damage to our rating, but not fun, either). But I'd still do it again - only I'd be a bit smarter about the budget this time. And so would my husband!
Having my husband be SAHD is one of the best arrangements I can think of - and another benefit is that you will genuinely be trading off on childcare. You will WANT to jump in and take over your child when you get home (even when you are tired), and that will give him a break, and give you the one-on-one time you want, too. For some reason this doesn't happen much when moms stay home - the men don't seem to leap into the fray, take the kids off mom's hands. Or they do, but only until dinner time, or bath time, etc. ~Hedra
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