I knew I would be returning to work after a four-month maternity leave, and I also knew it would be difficult. I had fallen in love with my son, and I had no way of knowing - before he was born - what type of emotional impact he would have on my psyche.
Growing up in the suburbs of New York, I was raised in part by my maternal Grandmother, who was also my babysitter while my Mother worked during the day. Not even in my earliest memories could I ever remember not being surrounded by people who loved me, and people that I loved as well.
This alien journey of finding someone to care for my baby, besides me, that I could trust, was obviously going to be a challenge. It would be a further challenge, because my husband and I just moved to a new state four months before, so I knew no one. No family, no church family, no neighbors - nada. We were starting from scratch.
THE SEARCH
I seriously began looking for daycare when I was six months pregnant. I considered both home care, as well as formal daycare in my initial search. I began by contacting a local government agency, The Office of Children, which carried listings of all home care providers licensed by the state.
After narrowing my selections to a list of 25, I began making phone calls. I was quickly surprised to learn that many providers were booked up or had waiting lists. The prices they were asking for to care for infants were also comparable to formal daycare prices, and I began widening my search, as I lost hope of finding a home care provider to watch my baby. My expectations for a home care provider, was someone with two toddlers, and one infant - mine. Which, in my mind, was ideal, having three kids total. The reality of my search, was that most providers had two infants, and 2-3 toddlers. I thought that was just too many kids for one person to watch in their home - and the price was only 25.00 less a week than traditional daycare.
I was getting nervous by this time, nearing the end of my sixth month. I'd wanted to secure something before I actually had the baby. My husband thought I was putting too much pressure on myself, but I knew I would not relax until we had secured something. By the end of my sixth month, I started looking into traditional daycare centers. Many centers didn't even take newborns, and the one's that did? You guessed it - were booked solid, and had long waiting lists too.
But, I went and visited the centers anyway, and my husband joined the search too. By splitting up the tours, we found we covered more territory, and we each had different perspectives and expectations of the various centers, and we'd compare notes at the end of the tours. While our friends and co-workers constantly told us to just follow our instincts, I still wanted to make sure I asked the right questions, and slowly, began compiling a list.
~ What did they charge for infants and toddlers?
~ Did they have late fees? How much?
~ (If there was one) how long was the waiting list for infants?
~ What, if any, was the teacher turnover rate?
~ How long had the center been in business?
~ Any references?
~ Were parental visits encouraged? Unannounced?
I was learning fast. Along with "going with my gut," I also realized I had certain expectations. I wanted the teachers to work with my baby, to give the same stimulation I would give. I not only expected them to love the children - but to be educated as well, with SOME type of formal training in childhood development. More questions popped in my head as I visited more and more centers . . .
~ How many personnel had CPR training?
~ What were the centers' policies on discipline?
~ What was the child/teacher ratio for infants? (In my state, the ratio is one caregiver for every three infants; four for every eight in a group.)
I also knew I preferred the smaller daycare center, preferably with staff that had been there on average of two years. By the time we found the center we both liked, we'd gone to a total of 11 facilities. What drew us to the center that would eventually become Christian's daycare was the size and staff.
We'd found a small center whose staff members had been there on average of two years. They were warm, friendly, and yet firm with discipline when dealing with the children. And it was obvious the children adored their teachers too. Although the price knocked us for a loop, there were other things that balanced the cost. After several visits, some announced, others not - we decided this was the one - and quickly signed our baby up, putting down a small deposit to hold a spot. I was seven and a half months pregnant.
D-DAY: Back To Work
It had been four months that Christian had been on the earth. And both his father and I were totally enchanted by this little person. But a cloud was quickly looming on the horizon for me. How could I ever leave him? Soon, it would be time for me to return to work, and I was not happy. Gone were the warm fuzzy thoughts of the quaint little daycare center we'd decided on. Gone were the assurances that our baby would be fine in the arms of these women. They were strangers. I didn't want him to go.
Two weeks before returning to work, I called the center, determined to shake my ache of impending separation. The center suggested I slowly begin the transition by leaving Christian there for one hour a day, for that week . . . in hopes of getting us used to being separated. It was hard, and as I strolled around the grocery store, killing time, I imagined him crying . . . screaming his head off for the entire time I'd been gone. One whole hour. When my time was up, I rushed back to get him, knowing in my heart that he needed me, an hour had been too long! When I rushed into the infant room, Christian was fast asleep. The week before I was to go back to work, I continued to leave him, but this time for 2-3 hours at a time, and it did get a easier. I thought . . .
That first week back to work was the hardest week of my life it seemed. I cried everyday driving to work, imagining Christian waking, looking for his Mommy, as his Daddy dressed him and dropped him off at daycare. I was depressed that first day back, imagining him refusing his expressed breastmilk, crying because Mommy and Daddy weren't there.
I must have called six times that first day, just to see how he was doing. Convinced that something was wrong, I became angry, as each time I called, and they assured me that Christian was just fine. They had to be lying to me!
I raced home, breaking some speed limits, but determined to get to Christian. I pulled into the parking lot, quickly, nervously punched in the code on the electronic keypad for entry. As I rushed in the door, my ears were tuned for that familiar cry, as once again I raced down the hall. Gentle smiles met me as I bent over the crib.
He was asleep.
As time went on, it did get easier and easier, and for me, the testament that these women were doing a good job, was the sight of something I never thought would happen. One day I peeked in the window, before Christian or anyone could see me, and I observed them playing with my six-month-old son. HE WAS SMILING! He was responding to them, playing . . . cooing back, as they gently spoke to him.
My baby had more than enough room in his heart to love someone other than his father and myself. I then flashed back to when I was pregnant and looking around, and the caring I saw coming from the faces of the children with these women. I never realized he'd come to care for them too. Of course not in the same way he loved his parents, but in the same way you come to care for one of the first constants in your life - he cared, and he was happy.
It made it easier, knowing - seeing that he cared for those, who so obviously adored the him as well as the other children in their charge. And it gave me hope that this daycare thing wouldn't be so bad afterall.
Visit StorkNet's Working Outside the Home Forum
StorkNet Working Moms on Daycare and Babysitting . . .
Hi everyone! I have been back at work for two months now, and my husband has been staying home with Louison. He has done a great job, but now that he is done with school, he has to complete an internship. So, we need to find day care. How do I go about starting to locate places? I live in Maryland (in case there are other folks from the area) and would probably feel more comfortable leaving Louison at place like Kinder Care over someone's home. Let me know what you all did when you started looking! Did you have problems with waiting lists? I'm just a wreck thinking about it. Thanks for any input! ~Basia
I've heard GREAT things about the Kinder Care daycare centers. We have Christian at Children's World daycare. The La Petite daycare centers, though sound good, I have two very good friends that disliked it so much, they took their girls out after only a couple of weeks. I would definitely call and see what their availability is, and then I would go see them a couple of times - at different times during the day, maybe you and DH can split that. That's what DH and I did, and it worked out because he was able to give me impressions of what he saw, and I did the same - and we compared notes. I didn't have any problem with a waiting list for the one center that we chose, but other Children's World centers were booked. It seems the infant spots go the fastest. ~ Kenyatta
Thanks Kenyatta! I am starting to call places but most have HUGE waiting lists. Luckily, my DH can be flexible about starting work. If you hear of any good places in Northeast DC (where I work) let me know. I'm going to get on the waiting list for toddlers at Catholic University right now! ~ Basia
I used a service to find my "first list" of choices. It cost $70 and they found all the centers that had openings, in my price range, in my area, with hours that fit my needs. In my case, I also wanted a center, but then I looked at one home daycare, and loved it. It was practically a family unit. The kids were different ages, and the woman who ran it was a 15-year veteran. There would NEVER be a caregiver turnover, and the ratio of care was good, too. She does cool stuff with the kids, and she even takes pictures of them to send home! On the other hand, I have to find backup if she is sick and for when she takes vacation. Still, she is really great, and has developed a nice relationship with the kids. Plus, she is a lot more reasonably priced than the centers were!
Anyway, you can use a care-search service - some companies even provide the service free to their employees! Ask! ~ Hedra
Since I work full time, I want to spend all my free time with my daughter. My in-laws, my sister, my other mom friends are always offering to babysit. I don't know why they don't understand that I don't want to get away from my daughter. I guess everyone has a different viewpoint though. ~ Sandy
I have that same problem! Too many people asking to watch the baby! There are two elderly neighbors that are always after me, but I just wouldn't feel comfy. Skye is way too mobile and puts everything into her mouth. We're talking a house that hasn't been babyproofed in how many years! My mom just said the other day that she thought I should take my older daughter away for the weekend somewhere special because she thought my daughter really needed some mother-daughter time. When I said I couldn't leave the baby for a weekend, she said, "why we have everything we need for her." When I said I'm already away from her too much, she made me feel guilty over my older daughter! If I did do this, then DH would want us to start taking weekends, and I'm just not ready to leave Skye for long periods of time - not to mention what it would do to our nursing! I told my DD that next Saturday we'll have a mother-daughter day and she's happy with that, but I still don't feel right leaving the baby all week and then on Saturday too! ~Gillian
I can't even begin to think about leaving Zack on the weekends. I have lots of people offering to watch him too, but no way. ~ Beckye
I am just wondering how long it takes to get over the anxiety of leaving your six-week-old baby behind at a daycare. I know that he is okay, but they just are not the moms and I don't want him to think that they are. I am breastfeeding so we still have the intimacy when I am at home and I am pumping at work which seems to be going well for now. We have been at this for a week, and I just cannot seem to think of anything else throughout the day except I wonder what he is doing now. When will this get easier? ~ Missy
I know this is hard leaving the baby, believe me. But it really does get easier. The one thing that I can absolutely assure you of is - Your baby will NEVER mistake another for you!!!! That was one of my fears as well, but "it just ain't so!" Our babies know our voices . . . our touch . . . our smell . . . they KNOW who Mommy is. Also, there is nothing wrong with calling the daycare just to see how everything is going . . . and surround yourself with pictures. It gets easier; I promise. And we have a good group here on this forum that's here to support you as well. ~ Kenyatta
Welcome. It does get easier. I have to leave mine for 24 hours at a time. When they were still babies, not nursing them for that long was hard on me for a while. My daughter is a nursing toddler, now. So, I must have done something right. ~ Cindy
My son just now started calling his daycare provider, Donna, mommy, but that was only after she got a new baby in, and he has just learned that mommies come in a set (with a baby). Trust me, your baby will NEVER mistake another for real Mommy. As far as the wondering, my case was different, since my DH stayed home for the first year. But I always called to find out how things were going. Can you find out if there is a specific time you can call in to your daycare to get an update (like naptime)? My current daycare prefers that you call during nap time or late afternoon (during the free-play time). Once you have been reassured that your baby is happy and thriving, and the events of the day start to be repetitive, you will probably worry less. My son loves Donna, but nothing even CLOSE to how he loves us. Good luck! ~ Hedra
