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8. StorkNet
Member: I have been married for almost 3 years. In my mind
things have not been so good. My husband doesn't hit me. (Well,
he has a few times but it's a long story.) Before I was pregnant
with our first child I was going to leave him and he misunderstood
a conversation between a girl friend of mine (who I was going
to stay with) and he called the police and made up this big lie
about me threatening him with a knife and I was arrested for domestic
violence. The charges were dropped and I went back to him.
During my
pregnancy we fought all the time. I am really bad about running
my mouth too long and he in turn starts breaking things. 10,000
worth of computers, multiple telephones, televisions etc. I was
going to leave him while I was pregnant (2 weeks to go) and I
chickened out. He gets so nice after the fights are over.
Things have
been very touch and go since our daughter was born in August.
I left him in November, found out I was pregnant in December and
went back. Three weeks after I came back he called the police
once again (after he attacked me in the hallway and threw me down)
and we both went to jail because I had obvious bruises and he
had a red mark above his eye from me trying to get him off of
me. Children Services had to take my daughter because we were
both going to jail. I got her back after the judge amended the
condition of bond stating that neither one of us could contact
a member of the household, because she wasn't involved. Then what
do I do... I go back.
Well things
were fine for a few months, but again, he broke a computer after
we were arguing. And the television. I told him I had enough and
made arrangements to leave again. We (my daughter and I ) are
safe at my grandpa's house, but now my husband is being so nice
and back to his "normal" self - he said we could come back. Part
of me wants to come back. Part of me knows it will probably happen
again. I'm so terrified that now I'm out on my own with no job,
no money, and I have a 9 month old and I'm 6 months pregnant.
He says all I have to do is keep my mouth shut and he wouldn't
do the things he does.
Why do I feel
so guilty and sad for leaving? In your experience is there any
way things will ever be mended?
Jennifer:
I am glad you are in a safe place now. It is very hard to leave
when you are worried about how you'll manage caring for yourself
and your children. When you said, "In my mind things have not
been so good", I got the impression you have doubted yourself
or others have doubted whether the problem has been so bad. Trust
you guts. Know that what you have experienced is abusive and will
only continue to get worse without him seeking a great deal of
help for his rage.
Be very careful
with this man. He has already lied to the police and caused you
to risk losing your daughter.
There is what's
called the "cycle of violence." It has within this cycle the phase
after the violence occurs when the perpetrator attempts to make
amends. This is when it feels like you have the person back that
you love. Unfortunately these periods of time get shorter and
shorter between the violence.
Try not to
kick yourself for having gone back in the past. These men can
be very persuasive and may even feel genuinely remorseful. Know
that "normal" for him includes his rage and violent behavior in
addition to the loving side he shows you when trying to woo you
back.
Sometimes
it helps to look at your daughter and think "would I want her
to be in a relationship like this?" Likely your answer would be
"NO." Likely you would be very afraid for her. Children will model
their lives and behavior after their parents. You want to teach
her now what to do to take care of herself. You want to teach
her that it is unacceptable for a husband to treat his wife this
way. You want her to learn nonviolent ways to communicate and
to accept no less from those in her family.
I am glad
you have family (your grandfather) who is willing and able to
help you. Accept this help. It is likely you will be in a position
to help others in the future. Talk with an attorney and a counselor
who is experienced in domestic violence. Find out what your rights
are and what you can expect from the courts should you file for
divorce. This will provide you with a sense of control as you'll
be coming from a position of knowledge and will have begun to
expand your support system.
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