Our thanks to Jennifer Bowles!

10. StorkNet Member: Hi Jennifer! My question is about domestic, emotional abuse and how it affects the children of a marriage. If there has been a history of emotional abuse for years how hard is it to rebuild the confidence and self image of a child? What is a good starting off point and some good tips to help? Thank you in advance!

Jennifer: Yours is a very good question and one I'd like to spend some time on. I will be sending a synopsis of the cycle of abuse and some helpful tips for people in domestic violence re: getting out/remaining safe. (Added later: Tips that can help.) Along with that I'll give some discussion to the effects on children. The epidemic of domestic violence has led to a great deal of information in the helping professions. As we learn more we see more and then we teach more. Teaching people better ways at communicating their feelings of fear, anger, shame, etc. is a far reaching intervention. Teaching these ways of communicating to children will help end the cycle of violence.

Tips that can help:
What comes to mind first is to help the child see that the violence was not his or her fault (regardless of what they may have been told by the abuser). Children try to gain a sense of control by telling themselves that if they do what they're told they'll be safe, or dad won't yell at mom, etc. It is frightening for them to realize that they had no control and yet at some point this will be a comfort.

The adult is responsible for their behavior. Abusers are incapable of accepting blame and instead try to blame their victims. Helping the child understand that adults don't always act the way they should is being supportive of the child.

There may be anger that gets expressed toward mom for not being able to protect the child or remove him or her from the situation "soon enough." This is also normal. Working with the child, encouraging open, honest, but respectful communication will help him or her express these feelings. Children who are younger express their feelings more easily through their play and art. Allow them to talk about their drawings or play in a nonjudgmental way. Help them to find ways to vent their feelings in healthy ways such as through physical activities/sports.

Share with them what you learn about communicating assertively, asking in healthy ways for what you need and role modeling good boundaries. If they have conflicts at school, talk to them about different ways they can handle similar situations and role play those interactions.

Let them know it is okay to cry, be sad, be mad for as long as they need to be and that it really does help to share it.

As for the parent who is helping a child remember: When you parent a child you will make mistakes. It is helpful to role model apologizing and making amends. You aren't expected to be perfect.

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Questions and Answers (Click on the linked numbers below):

 1.  Husband's temper
 2.  Divorced, did not keep documentation for protection. What should I do?
 3.  I'm getting divorced. Do I tell the judge about my husband's anger? Should my daughter be with him?
 4.  How do I find an Abuse Center in My area?
 5.  How can I help my friend see that she's in a cycle of abuse?
 6.  Thank you, Jennifer
 7.  Is verbal abuse considered domestic violence?
 8.  I've left my husband - why do I feel so sad and guilty?
 9.  I'm being abused but no one can tell.
10. How does domestic abuse affect the children of the marriage?
11. When do you get past the damage?
12. Husband abusive and terminal. I'm pregnant. Can I make it on my own?
13. Therapists and false memories
14. Who do we tell if a child in my son's class is being molested?
15. My children are afraid of their father but he has part custody, what do I do?
16. This relationship is tearing down her self-confidence piece by piece.
17. I got away from the abuse but now my daughter is suffering.
18. Why do so many women end up in abusive relationships?
19. Is yelling verbal abuse?
20. Steps toward recovery?
21. Parents drinking affects the holidays
22. My dad was verbally abusive to me and I now suffer from low self esteem.
23. I can hear the neighbors fighting. What should I do?
24. My ex says no to counseling, but I want my kids to go.
25. Is my boyfriend showing signs of being abusive?
26. How can I prevent visitation rights?
27. Question about one of Jennifer's comments
28. Finding strength and independence
29. I worry so much about my children when they are with him and his new wife.
30. My friend got out of one abusive relationship and into another.
31. Helping my brother with his temper
32. My husband is an alcoholic.
33. My sister is abusing me.
34. My mom was abusive. Will I be too?
35. Abusive husband and a new baby
36. How is past abuse from my deceased husband affecting my 4 1/2 year old?
37. My best friend chose a controlling boyfriend, just like her father. Help me explain to her.
38. My husband intimidates me into sex. Is this abuse?
39. Husband has anxiety and is becoming violent
40. Separated, pregnant and thinking of working things out with abusive husband
41. Question about verbal abuse?
42. Is my boyfriend abusive?
43. Ex-husband and unpaid child support
44. Surviving molestation
45. Our arguing has turned physical now
46. I left my verbally abusive husband
47. Woman realizes she is the abuser
48. Husband's health is making him angry
49. Abuse and chronically ill
50. Abusive relationship and going through divorce proceedings
51. Granddaughter may lose custody
52. Relationship with abusive boyfriend is like obsession
53. Very afraid of abusive, threatening husband
54. Are my boyfriend's actions abusive?
55. I worry that my children will be molested because I was
56. Why do women stay or have a hard time leaving?
57. I need help to get away. What can I do?
58. Elderly parents are abusing each other, alcohol involved.
59. Is my daughter being abused by her stepmom?
60. Do you discuss female domestic violence towards men and children?
61. Friend keeps going back to abusive boyfriend
62. Alcohol problems as teens related to growing up in a violent home?
63. I left my abuser... a message of hope
64. How to help a pregnant friend
65. Resources for domestic violence in the military?
66. Nephew in abusive relationship
67. My husband is too controlling
68. Advice from someone who stayed
69. I left and now I'm confused
70. Thank you, Jennifer
71. My husband mentally abuses me
72. I've taken steps to leave my abusive husband, but am worried about my daughter
73. Abuse in friendships?
74. Why do women oppose mandatory reporting?
75. My husband is frightening me with his anger
76. Am I becoming my father?
77. Love and abuse
78. Boyfriend threatens me
79. Husband wants me to get an abortion, is verbally abusive.
80. My mother-in-law is harrassing us
81. Children verbally abusive like their father
82. Son and daughter-in-law's arguing affecting grandson
83. Should I call my husband on each verbal abuse?
84. My fiancé babysits and I am worried about his temper
85. My friend's child is affected by abuse by father
86. Every time he hits me, he blames me for it, then repents, apologizes and feels bad.
87. Acquaintances from church--the woman is attacking her husband. How can I help?
88. Shelters - how do you find your funds to live on and where to go?
89. My friend appears to have no way out!
90. My husband is in prison and we're divorcing. Visitation rights?
91. If you are in immediate danger