| Jennifer
Bowles is a licensed clinical social worker currently working
in California as a medical social worker at a county hospital.
She obtained her Master's degree in social work from U.C.L.A.
Since graduating in 1993 she has worked in a variety of settings,
including private practice, with children and families, frail
elderly, and chronically and terminally ill clients. Prior to
becoming a social worker she was a deputy sheriff. She believes
this law enforcement background provided her with an increased
sensitivity to abuse issues, including domestic violence.
She has seen
first hand the damage domestic violence does to the individual
and family. It crosses all demographic barriers: financial, racial,
ethnic, age and sexual orientation.
Our thanks to Jennifer Bowles!
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16. StorkNet
Member: My sister in law (my husband's sister) is married
to a man who treats her very badly. He goes through periods (which
can last for up to six weeks) of either not talking to her at
all or just screaming at her. During these periods, he keeps telling
her that she is ugly and stupid (which is definitely not true)
and that she is not worth being with him. He also tells her that
her family does not love her, which could not be further from
the truth. Sometimes he has even hit her. These periods sometimes
end when she threatens to get a divorce. That really seems to
scare him, which I can understand.
We live in
a Western European country that is very wealthy. He is from an
Eastern European country that has huge economical and other problems.
He can stay here because he is married to my sister in law, and
he gets the same benefits that a citizen of our country gets.
In addition, they live in a house that my parents-in-law own,
so they don't pay any rent. He is a musician who does not enjoy
working. (He grew up during a time when everybody had a job but
nobody had anything to do in Eastern Europe.) She is working and
is the one who brings some money to their household. Financially,
he is totally dependent on her.
I would very
much like to help my sister in law, since this relationship is
tearing down her self-confidence piece by piece. For some strange
reason she still loves her husband. He refuses to see a therapist
since he does not seem to realize that there is a problem. They
don't have any children, so that's not an issue here. In my opinion,
and in the opinion of the rest of her family, she would be much
better off without him. My sister in law is a very proud person,
which makes it very difficult to have an honest conversation with
her about this. She keeps telling us that "it really isn't that
bad." How can I get through to her? She really needs to do something
about this situation. They have been married for six years now,
and it has been like this the whole time.
Jennifer:
One question I would gently want to approach her with is this:
"What will it look like when your situation is BAD?" If he's verbally
and physically abused her along with attempting to isolate her
from her family (social support system) and hacking away at her
self worth, he's capable of the worst. He is someone who gets
a boost of self worth only by knocking down his wife's. He is
correct when he says that she is not worth being with him, because
she is worth so very much more. Here is a loving woman who works
to support herself and her husband. He is a very lucky man and
yet cannot see reality. His refusal to seek therapy is understandable
as he likely knows on some level what the therapist will say.
I am thankful they don't have children, but this would concern
me as children often keep women in the marriage longer.
The hardest
part of this situation for you is not being able to MAKE her leave
him. You may instead have to stand by and watch him further abuse
her. Talk to her about going to a therapist herself to have an
"unbiased" person with whom she can ventilate her feelings. Perhaps
when someone outside her family is helping her to view her situation
in a realistic way she may decide to leave him. Letting her know
that you love her and will help her will give her a foundation
to feel strong about. She really has much more power than she
is aware of: being able to take care of herself, a caring family,
and no children that he can use as a weapon to hurt her more.
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Questions and Answers (Click on the linked numbers below):
1.
Husband's temper
2. Divorced, did
not keep documentation for protection. What should I do?
3. I'm getting divorced.
Do I tell the judge about my husband's anger? Should my daughter
be with him?
4. How do I find
an Abuse Center in My area?
5. How can I help
my friend see that she's in a cycle of abuse?
6.
Thank you, Jennifer
7. Is verbal abuse
considered domestic violence?
8. I've left my
husband - why do I feel so sad and guilty?
9. I'm being abused
but no one can tell.
10. How does domestic abuse
affect the children of the marriage?
11. When do you get past the
damage?
12. Husband abusive and terminal.
I'm pregnant. Can I make it on my own?
13. Therapists and false memories
14.
Who do we tell if a child in my son's class is being molested?
15. My children are afraid of
their father but he has part custody, what do I do?
16. This relationship is tearing
down her self-confidence piece by piece.
17. I got away from the abuse
but now my daughter is suffering.
18. Why do so many women end
up in abusive relationships?
19. Is yelling verbal abuse?
20. Steps toward recovery?
21. Parents drinking affects
the holidays
22. My dad was verbally abusive
to me and I now suffer from low self esteem.
23. I can hear the neighbors
fighting. What should I do?
24. My ex says no to counseling,
but I want my kids to go.
25. Is
my boyfriend showing signs of being abusive?
26. How can I prevent visitation
rights?
27. Question about one of Jennifer's
comments
28. Finding strength and independence
29. I worry so much about my
children when they are with him and his new wife.
30. My friend got out of one
abusive relationship and into another.
31. Helping my brother with
his temper
32. My husband is an alcoholic.
33. My sister is abusing me.
34. My mom was abusive. Will
I be too?
35. Abusive husband and a new
baby
36. How is past abuse from my
deceased husband affecting my 4 1/2 year old?
37. My best friend chose a controlling
boyfriend, just like her father. Help me explain to her.
38. My husband intimidates me
into sex. Is this abuse?
39. Husband has anxiety and
is becoming violent
40. Separated, pregnant and
thinking of working things out with abusive husband
41. Question about verbal abuse?
42. Is my boyfriend abusive?
43. Ex-husband and unpaid child
support
44. Surviving molestation
45. Our arguing has turned physical
now
46. I left my verbally abusive
husband
47. Woman
realizes she is the abuser
48. Husband's health is making
him angry
49. Abuse and chronically ill
50. Abusive relationship and
going through divorce proceedings
51. Granddaughter may lose custody
52. Relationship with abusive
boyfriend is like obsession
53. Very afraid of abusive,
threatening husband
54. Are my boyfriend's actions
abusive?
55. I worry that my children
will be molested because I was
56. Why do women stay or have
a hard time leaving?
57. I need help to get away.
What can I do?
58. Elderly parents are abusing
each other, alcohol involved.
59. Is my daughter being abused
by her stepmom?
60. Do you discuss female domestic
violence towards men and children?
61. Friend keeps going back
to abusive boyfriend
62. Alcohol problems as teens
related to growing up in a violent home?
63. I left my abuser... a message
of hope
64. How to help a pregnant friend
65. Resources for domestic violence
in the military?
66. Nephew in abusive relationship
67. My husband is too controlling
68. Advice from someone who
stayed
69. I left and now I'm confused
70. Thank you, Jennifer
71. My husband mentally abuses
me
72. I've taken steps to leave
my abusive husband, but am worried about my daughter
73. Abuse in friendships?
74. Why do women oppose mandatory
reporting?
75. My husband is frightening
me with his anger
76.
Am I becoming my father?
77. Love and abuse
78. Boyfriend threatens me
79. Husband wants me to get
an abortion, is verbally abusive.
80. My mother-in-law is harrassing
us
81. Children verbally abusive
like their father
82. Son and daughter-in-law's
arguing affecting grandson
83. Should I call my husband
on each verbal abuse?
84. My fiancé babysits and I
am worried about his temper
85. My friend's child is affected
by abuse by father
86. Every time he hits me, he
blames me for it, then repents, apologizes and feels bad.
87. Acquaintances from church--the
woman is attacking her husband. How can I help?
88. Shelters - how do you find
your funds to live on and where to go?
89. My friend appears to have
no way out!
90.
My husband is in prison and we're divorcing. Visitation rights?
91.
If you are in immediate danger
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