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28. StorkNet
Member: I could write you a book. I also have never been hit
by my husband. We have lived together for six years, married 4
1/2 and in counseling for 3 1/2 of those years.
I have noticed
that these episodes of fighting seem to get worse and worse. More
hurtful things get said and the anger level gets higher all the
time.
Then four
months ago he told me he was close to kicking my ass. We got a
new counselor right away, because when I said I was going to leave
he threatened to keep me from my daughter. Another thing is he
used to "joke" about how it would be easier to kill me than divorce
me. He never has acted violently toward me but I have spent A
LOT of years feeling very alone.
So anyway,
we are in counseling and he is trying hard to be better and is
working at things, but I am tired. Tired of all of it and I don't
trust that it is going to last. And I feel in my heart that I can't
do it anymore. We
haven't slept in the same bed for almost two years and I have
anxiety thinking about it. I am going to tell him I want out next
week at our counseling session.
He is being
super nice, and I feel horrible, but I can't do this anymore.
Four months ago I found a strength and independence I never had
before. I stopped counting on him for my happiness and have been
doing it myself. I don't know if I have a question, but I am so
scared I will cave in again and not leave. I am good at convincing
myself that it is better and we are one big happy family. I guess
I just want to know where I can find the strength to keep going
the way I want when I start to doubt myself?
Jennifer:
It is so terribly difficult to feel isolated and alone. I think
it's worse when in a relationship because there is the expectation
that we are there for one another. It sounds like you have reached
the point where you are no longer able to live in denial about
the outcome of your marriage. It is something that you've spent
time working on in therapy and it is not easy to let go of the
hope and fantasy of being "one big happy family." I'm wondering
what the turning point was for you. What was it that seemed to
"click" four months ago?
I think it
is essential that you make a plan beyond disclosing your desire
for a divorce at the therapist's office. You need to be able to
be as safe as possible. Do you have a place to go that is safe
with your child? Have you sought the advice of an attorney? Does
your therapist know yet? It may be something to share with him
or her in advance so they can be supportive of you and help you
plan the next few months.
Do you have
a good support system? I know I harp on that a lot but it is extremely
essential to your well being and can help provide you with the
strength to keep going and avoid caving in to his pressure. It
is always difficult when there is a child as you'll have to deal
with the support/visitation issues. Keep your guard up and be
aware of you own safety. Try to have someone with you as a witness
and keep a log should you need it for court purposes.
It sounds
like you are finding some inner strength over the last few months.
Keep a journal (different from just keeping a log of your interactions
with your spouse) as it will be helpful to you over the next few
years. It doesn't have to be extremely detailed. It can be a safe
place for you to vent your feelings and become aware of your increasing
strength and resolve. Surround yourself with loving friends and
family. They are the very best "medicine." Take good care of yourself.
Followup:
We received your response to Jennifer's reply above, and are not
sure if you wanted it posted. If you reply again and clarify,
we can put part of it up here. Here's Jennifer's reply:
Jennifer:
It sounds like you are headed in the right direction and I'm am
glad that you have a good support system (including your strong
spiritual connection with God, as I know that can help even when
you are feeling alone). Know that you are not alone in this situation
and certainly are not alone in this world. I think we forget that
or we don't want to appear "needy" or "dependent." What we give
to others by allowing them to give to us in times of need (emotional,
spiritual, physical) is truly a gift. Let me know how you're doing.
You're in my thoughts and prayers. Jennifer
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