Our thanks to Jennifer Bowles!

38. StorkNet Member: Is it abusive to have a husband demand sex? Sometimes I'm just not in the mood and he guilts me into it with anger, mood swings, stares, pouting. I feel so disgusted after that.

Jennifer: That's an interesting question and I think the best way to answer it is to ask if you feel you can say no without being afraid of a violent (verbal or physical) reaction from him. His methods of getting you to be intimate with him certainly do not put you in the mood for closeness. He sounds as if he has difficulty expressing his needs in a way that you are able to hear them, and then respond in a caring manner. I imagine that if you have sex after he guilts you or exhibits a range of immature behaviors you feel less like you have given something of yourself and more like he has taken something from you. Is this the only issue over which he reacts in this manner? It is sometimes easier to talk about sex when you can view it as a physical form of communication. When the request for intimacy is as you have described, it is usually more related to lack of communication skills and, on his part, lack of empathy for your feelings and needs.

It would certainly be helpful for both of you to learn how to talk about your feelings and needs including your physical relationship in a way that encourages both of you to hear what the other person is saying. This is best done outside of the bedroom so that neither one of you feels blamed. I imagine if he knew that good communication between a husband and wife can lead to satisfying sex he might be more intrigued about increasing his skills at communication. You would also be more inclined to desire him if he was able to really hear your needs. It is certainly worth the effort it would take to learn how to communicate better. You'll find your relationships with other people at work, in your families, with your children will also be affected in a positive way. If this is a chronic problem it would help to talk with a counselor who could help you practice communication skills. Positive, loving communication skills are not inborn. There are also a lot of books available that could help. Remember, he may be more inclined to work on building your communication skills with one another if he knows it will lead to every area of your marriage improving.

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Questions and Answers (Click on the linked numbers below):

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