Our thanks to Jennifer Bowles!

40. StorkNet Member: I have been separated from my husband for several months now. I am pregnant and in the process of getting a divorce because of verbal/physical abuse. Lately my soon to be ex-husband and I have been talking again about the upcoming baby. We both have agreed that divorce is a good option since the relationship we had was unhealthy. We are thinking of maybe just starting all over again. He lives in another town now, so that would mean that I would have to move in order for us all to be together. He admits it was wrong what he did, but in a way still has an excuse for what he did by saying that I made him do bad things to me because I nagged and yelled at him. In looking back, I realize that I wasn't very supportive of him and said mean things that I shouldn't have. My question is - is that a reasonable excuse for him to be physically and verbally abusive? I was never punched in the face, but often I was pushed down, had something thrown at me, pushed against the wall, or once I was choked. I'm not stupid only I might sound like it from my question. I am a college graduate and I come from a normal non abusive family. I can't help but think that maybe I'm throwing in the towel too early. Maybe if we started over with professional counseling and both realized that we need to change to have a healthy relationship then I can't help but think that we could work it out. Once someone has been abusive is it possible for them to change if they want to and if they get professional help? I know people say abusers never change, but what if they say they want to and are willing to seek professional help?

Jennifer: I think the key to whether someone who has been abusive can change their behavior begins with them taking FULL responsibility for the abuse and NOT blaming the victim. I cannot imagine what you could have said that would have been "mean" enough to incite your husband to choke you. I don't think you are stupid, but I think you are allowing your emotions to overrule what your intellect is telling you. From the small bit you've said about your relationship I would worry a great deal about you if you were my friend, daughter or sister. You have even more reason than ever with your baby soon to be born to build a life and a home without violence. You have obviously been strong in your ability to leave him and begin divorce proceedings. Sit down and list all the reasons you left. Has he sought counseling in the interim? I know that when your husband makes these kind overtures to you it feels good to think that he could change and that you could be a family. This is normal and part of the grief process of divorce. From a distance you may be thinking of good memories of your relationship with him. Read over some of the other women's questions and see how heartbreaking it is when they have to allow their children visitation with a father who is cruel and abusive. It is not a situation I would want you to find yourself in.

I think your situation would be one that could benefit from some counseling where you could explore what your reasons for being with this man are and what it would mean should you continue with the divorce. Counseling would be a place for you to get some strong emotional support.

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Questions and Answers (Click on the linked numbers below):

 1.  Husband's temper
 2.  Divorced, did not keep documentation for protection. What should I do?
 3.  I'm getting divorced. Do I tell the judge about my husband's anger? Should my daughter be with him?
 4.  How do I find an Abuse Center in My area?
 5.  How can I help my friend see that she's in a cycle of abuse?
 6.  Thank you, Jennifer
 7.  Is verbal abuse considered domestic violence?
 8.  I've left my husband - why do I feel so sad and guilty?
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