Domestic
Violence Discussion with
Jennifer Bowles, MSW, LCSW
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| Jennifer
Bowles is a licensed clinical social worker currently working
in California as a medical social worker at a county hospital.
She obtained her Master's degree in social work from U.C.L.A.
Since graduating in 1993 she has worked in a variety of settings,
including private practice, with children and families, frail
elderly, and chronically and terminally ill clients. Prior to
becoming a social worker she was a deputy sheriff. She believes
this law enforcement background provided her with an increased
sensitivity to abuse issues, including domestic violence.
She has seen
first hand the damage domestic violence does to the individual
and family. It crosses all demographic barriers: financial, racial,
ethnic, age and sexual orientation.
Our thanks to Jennifer Bowles!
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47. StorkNet
Member: I feel guilty for even asking this here. What can
you do when you look at your marriage and realize that you're
the abuser? I've always been quick-tempered-- I flare up when
I feel threatened. I'm not trying to excuse it. I have huge abandonment
issues (dad walked out unexpectedly when I was 15), and when I
start to feel abandoned, I snap. My husband and I are verbally
abusive to each other, but I'm the one who hits... I try to control
myself, but it's getting harder and harder (pregnancy hormones-- how's
that for a complication?) We've been to counseling, but the therapist
screwed up big time, completely violated our trust, and my husband
will never agree to go again. I've been to half a dozen counselors
on my own, but all they seem to want to talk about it my weight,
and not the huge pain of my dad's betrayal. I can't deal with
this anymore.
Jennifer:
I see hope in that you take responsibility for the violence you
do to your husband and child(ren) witnesses. You seem to have
the beginnings of some real insight into the origins of your rage
and you were on the right track by getting counseling. I would
suggest that since your husband won't go back that you go yourself.
You have much work to do on your own. You don't mention what the
previous therapist did to betray you both, but if it was anything
that he or she was mandated to report (child abuse, suicide or
homicide ideation) it is possible that you could work through
that betrayal, as when you are able to see the bigger picture,
you may have some clarity that the mandated reporting laws are
there to protect you. It may not feel that way when the protective
services people are interviewing you, but it is a way to get more
services for your family and it is a way to have someone else
keeping you on the "straight and narrow" of getting yourself healthy.
Additionally
I would also recommend anger management classes/group treatment
and parenting classes. They are really a must and most of them
are extremely helpful. The ones that are local in my area focus
on building up the parents' self esteem in order to pass along
the ability to do that for the parents' children. The classes
are very often free or have minimal charges. Call your mental
health department or Domestic Violence agency in your area. It
is good that you see the damage you do. It is better that you
have a desire to stop it. If you are unable or decide not to help
yourself then the option of your children going to live elsewhere
is certainly one that would give them a chance at not being violent
adults or victims of violent adults.
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Questions and Answers (Click on the linked numbers below):
1.
Husband's temper
2. Divorced, did
not keep documentation for protection. What should I do?
3. I'm getting divorced.
Do I tell the judge about my husband's anger? Should my daughter
be with him?
4. How do I find
an Abuse Center in My area?
5. How can I help
my friend see that she's in a cycle of abuse?
6.
Thank you, Jennifer
7. Is verbal abuse
considered domestic violence?
8. I've left my
husband - why do I feel so sad and guilty?
9. I'm being abused
but no one can tell.
10. How does domestic abuse
affect the children of the marriage?
11. When do you get past the
damage?
12. Husband abusive and terminal.
I'm pregnant. Can I make it on my own?
13. Therapists and false memories
14.
Who do we tell if a child in my son's class is being molested?
15. My children are afraid of
their father but he has part custody, what do I do?
16. This relationship is tearing
down her self-confidence piece by piece.
17. I got away from the abuse
but now my daughter is suffering.
18. Why do so many women end
up in abusive relationships?
19. Is yelling verbal abuse?
20. Steps toward recovery?
21. Parents drinking affects
the holidays
22. My dad was verbally abusive
to me and I now suffer from low self esteem.
23. I can hear the neighbors
fighting. What should I do?
24. My ex says no to counseling,
but I want my kids to go.
25. Is
my boyfriend showing signs of being abusive?
26. How can I prevent visitation
rights?
27. Question about one of Jennifer's
comments
28. Finding strength and independence
29. I worry so much about my
children when they are with him and his new wife.
30. My friend got out of one
abusive relationship and into another.
31. Helping my brother with
his temper
32. My husband is an alcoholic.
33. My sister is abusing me.
34. My mom was abusive. Will
I be too?
35. Abusive husband and a new
baby
36. How is past abuse from my
deceased husband affecting my 4 1/2 year old?
37. My best friend chose a controlling
boyfriend, just like her father. Help me explain to her.
38. My husband intimidates me
into sex. Is this abuse?
39. Husband has anxiety and
is becoming violent
40. Separated, pregnant and
thinking of working things out with abusive husband
41. Question about verbal abuse?
42. Is my boyfriend abusive?
43. Ex-husband and unpaid child
support
44. Surviving molestation
45. Our arguing has turned physical
now
46. I left my verbally abusive
husband
47. Woman
realizes she is the abuser
48. Husband's health is making
him angry
49. Abuse and chronically ill
50. Abusive relationship and
going through divorce proceedings
51. Granddaughter may lose custody
52. Relationship with abusive
boyfriend is like obsession
53. Very afraid of abusive,
threatening husband
54. Are my boyfriend's actions
abusive?
55. I worry that my children
will be molested because I was
56. Why do women stay or have
a hard time leaving?
57. I need help to get away.
What can I do?
58. Elderly parents are abusing
each other, alcohol involved.
59. Is my daughter being abused
by her stepmom?
60. Do you discuss female domestic
violence towards men and children?
61. Friend keeps going back
to abusive boyfriend
62. Alcohol problems as teens
related to growing up in a violent home?
63. I left my abuser... a message
of hope
64. How to help a pregnant friend
65. Resources for domestic violence
in the military?
66. Nephew in abusive relationship
67. My husband is too controlling
68. Advice from someone who
stayed
69. I left and now I'm confused
70. Thank you, Jennifer
71. My husband mentally abuses
me
72. I've taken steps to leave
my abusive husband, but am worried about my daughter
73. Abuse in friendships?
74. Why do women oppose mandatory
reporting?
75. My husband is frightening
me with his anger
76.
Am I becoming my father?
77. Love and abuse
78. Boyfriend threatens me
79. Husband wants me to get
an abortion, is verbally abusive.
80. My mother-in-law is harrassing
us
81. Children verbally abusive
like their father
82. Son and daughter-in-law's
arguing affecting grandson
83. Should I call my husband
on each verbal abuse?
84. My fiancé babysits and I
am worried about his temper
85. My friend's child is affected
by abuse by father
86. Every time he hits me, he
blames me for it, then repents, apologizes and feels bad.
87. Acquaintances from church--the
woman is attacking her husband. How can I help?
88. Shelters - how do you find
your funds to live on and where to go?
89. My friend appears to have
no way out!
90.
My husband is in prison and we're divorcing. Visitation rights?
91.
If you are in immediate danger
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