Our thanks to Jennifer Bowles!

55. StorkNet Member: I constantly worry that my children will be molested because I was. I broke the cycle as a child but still wake up from nightmares that this could happen to my girls. How do I let go of this anxiety?

Jennifer: First of all know that you are not abnormal. I think all parents regardless of their background worry about harm coming to their children as it is difficult to completely control their environment as they get older. With the abuse history that you have you are understandably very sensitive to this subject. In our county we have an agency that provides safety awareness training for children and within that program is the discussion of appropriate touching, etc. to prevent children from becoming a victim. I think some of the best ways to "arm" your daughters is to teach them that it is appropriate to have boundaries. For instance, if someone asks your daughter to give them a hug or kiss (usually a relative or family friend) and your child is reluctant, it reinforces her ability to set boundaries if you don't push her to provide the behavior requested out of obligation. You can reduce the "hurt feelings" of the adult by explaining that you are teaching your daughters to have good boundaries. Make sure they are not made to feel guilty for not hugging or kissing someone they don't choose to. Another "weapon" to provide them with is the feeling that they are safe to discuss anything with you. Open, honest communication will help them and you. As they get older they will also likely talk to you about difficult subjects if they feel nothing is off limits. My daughter even talked to her father about changes in her body as she reached puberty. He did not shut her down, but redirected questions that he didn't know the answers to, to me. We always were happy that she could feel comfortable asking either one of us anything.

It is a difficult balance to arm your daughters without making them afraid of the world. Focus on empowering them (open communication, reinforcing boundaries) rather than merely educating them about good touch, bad touch. We are more aware as a society that molesters are often known to the family so merely saying "beware of strangers" is not enough. They have to know that if someone touches them inappropriately that they need to tell you and that you will believe them.

Many women I work with who are going back into the workforce are especially concerned about their children in daycare. This is very hard for the women who have an abuse background. We discuss developmental milestones and normal behavior so that they will be alert to "red flags." If you or your partner are able to remain at home with your baby until they are verbal that could help calm your stress. If not get a lot of references for your caregivers/daycare center.

Also, if you have not worked on healing from your abuse history perhaps now is a time to start this important work. It helps to have someone to talk to about your fears especially as they relate to the helplessness you felt as a child.

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