Our thanks to Jennifer Bowles!

59. StorkNet Member: My daughter has been physically and emotionally abused my my ex and his new wife. I've gone through court, and somehow HE got custody even though he abused her. She recently told me of an incident, and honestly it makes me furious. I need to have someone not related to me help me to decide whether or not to go to child protective services, or if I'm just so angry I can't see straight.

This time (many forms of emotional abuse have occurred including being made to eat off the floor like a dog) my daughter tells me they are made to get up at 5:30 AM for school. They don't leave until 7:30. She told me she was so tired and had gotten up at the normal time, got ready, did everything expected, and then asked stepmom if she could set her alarm and lay back down until time to leave. Stepmom told her no and to go do the laundry. This was about 6:00 AM. My daughter went, did the laundry, and asked her stepsis who was sitting on the couch watching TV to wake her up when it was time to go. A few minutes later stepmom came in, told her that she was told she couldn't go lay down and made her stand in the corner until 7:30 AM. This is a common thing, standing in the corner for hours. My daughter is always singled out, she reported physical abuse by this woman, and is always singled out, confirmed by my son. I also have a restraining order for no corporal punishment against her father for her, and stepmom tells her "I don't have a restraining order so I will spank you if I want."

My daughter is scared. She doesn't want me to say anything to my ex because she knows what will happen. She doesn't want to go to court ordered counseling because as soon as my ex finds out she will be in trouble. I just can't sit back and keep watching this, its gone on for over a year, she is depressed and I don't know what to do. If you can, please let me know if you think that is considered emotional abuse, and the best way to get her into counseling. She really is terrified to go. Thank you and sorry so long.

Jennifer: My heart goes out to your daughter for the pain she is in, to your son for being victimized by having to watch his sister suffer and of course to you for being in such a helpless situation.

She needs help and it will help to have the protective service report made by someone other than you. I have seen from clients that so often when there is a divorce it's far easier to chalk things up as a "custody issue." Perhaps it is like that only in the counties near me, but it is excruciatingly painful for the other parent who is trying desperately to protect his or her child. And YES what you described to me is abusive. Your daughter will need counseling, but it will be hard for her to open up as she will fear the abuse being reported and the resulting vulnerability. I don't know if your son will be strong enough to back up what is happening to his sister, but perhaps the therapist will be able to help assess that. I'm glad she has a mother willing to help her. If you have a domestic violence program/shelter near you talk to them about local therapists and any legal people that they could advise you to talk to. Can you also talk to your daughter's teacher and see what her assessment is of your daughter's behavior and mood in school? Some teachers are sharp and pick up on the red flags and can be an ally for the child. It's worth looking into. I don't know how much of this will help, but if she has a place to work through her depression (in therapy) and at the same time if she has another ally in her therapist there's a chance you could gain custody at some point. I also think it would be helpful if you could also get some professional support. You are at risk of depression and anxiety as you struggle to help your daughter deal with this very difficult situation.

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