Our thanks to Jennifer Bowles!

Here's where the problem is. She could be a very sweet, happy person one day, but the next day she would seem to completely hate me. It was a cycle that swung more and more into the negative over the years, and oddly enough, she never showed this behavior with her other friends. I thought I was just stressed and imagining it, but when I started writing down some of the things she'd said everyday, it became pretty clear that she was being extremely hurtful. However, I felt guilty. She was going through problems like manic depression and panic attacks, and it felt like whatever she did was justified by that. But I still cared for her and worried over her very much so I thought then that I should just suck it up and be there for her. However, it eventually became too much for me to handle. I was giving as much support as I could but was getting indifference or disgust whenever I needed to discuss a problem. Thankfully, at that time a loving man came into my life and helped me see clearly for the first time in years. He pointed out to me that I myself was beginning to develop depression and cutting tendencies because of this relationship. I eventually built up my strength and left.

I'm sorry this is taking so long... it feels good to pour out my heart like this.

I'm wondering though... is what she did abuse? Or was it just the strain of her life overflowing on me? Am I perhaps too sensitive? I've never seen anyone talk about emotionally abusive friendships. Also, how can I heal? Despite knowing that what I did was for the best, I still feel guilty for leaving. I've talked to her a few times after I left (we have mutual friends and run into each other) but these discussions only end up making me terribly upset. She says that it's preposterous that she had ever hated me, and brings up times when she did a few kind things for me, and says that I just must have "misheard." But I know I didn't. I've decided to cut off all communication if possible. I'm tired of being hurt by her. Is this the right thing to do? I don't like leaving a relationship in turmoil like that, but I feel like there's nothing I can do. Well, thank you very much for listening to me and reading this long, long, long question(s)!

Jennifer: You have certainly been through a lot with this woman and over a long period of time. You sound like you were and are a kind, loving person that ended up being the scapegoat for your friend's problems. Was it abuse? Absolutely. It is not considered "domestic violence" unless it is occurring between domestic partners (or witnessed by children, etc). But what it sounds like you went through was abusive treatment by someone who should have treated you better. It is understandable that you shrugged off her behavior over time if your friend was having difficulties, but there comes a point where it is damaging to continue in such a toxic (yes like poison!) relationship.

Your self worth likely took a lot of hits from her and it probably has taken a long time for you to recover from that. I am glad you had a loving man who was able to help you see the damage that was being done to you in the name of friendship. I had a conversation with a bright young woman awhile ago. She describe being treated by her best friend in a very shoddy manner. She told me that she had watched this woman over the years make friends with others and then become mean and vindictive with them. This young woman thought that her friend would never turn that venom onto her, but of course it did happen and it was a very painful lesson for her. She has taken that lesson however and learned from it. She chooses people for friends who are kind and caring in a genuine way, that treat others with respect and compassion. This is seen in the way they treat strangers as well as close friends and is mirrored in how they view the world (i.e. other cultures, ethnicities, etc...anyone who is "different" from them). She has found that when she finds someone who has these qualities, she has found someone worthy of her friendship. I imagine you are able to spot these characteristics in others as you possess them yourself.

I think your decision to cut off the relationship with this toxic woman was wise. You deserve to be treated as you treat others. It is possible that this woman has some sort of personality disorder or is mentally ill. For that you can feel pity and compassion, but letting go of the relationship is a good sign that you are much healthier now. Trust yourself to know when someone is hurting you purposely and know that that cruel behavior is something you do not ever need to tolerate. Thank you for a very thought provoking question, and best of luck in your life.

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Questions and Answers (Click on the linked numbers below):

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 4.  How do I find an Abuse Center in My area?
 5.  How can I help my friend see that she's in a cycle of abuse?
 6.  Thank you, Jennifer
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