Our thanks to Jennifer Bowles!

87. StorkNet Member: I was wondering if you could help me with a situation involving our friends. We have some friends at our church that we have known for four years now. They are a married couple with three kids, all around our kids' ages. The wife has always been very, very sweet on the surface. We are friends, but it has been hard to get to know her. It always seems like she'll really want to get to know me, and then she'll pull away and I won't see her for awhile. The husband is your all-American sort of guy. He's very nice. They are well-known, fairly prominent people in our church. They are our age, too (meaning, a younger couple with kids).

We knew something was wrong for about the last six to nine months. But we couldn't figure out what it was. A few days ago we found out the wife is out of control. She is a very bitter person underneath her "niceness." She frequently attacks her husband. Our other friends from church witnessed it personally. They had this family over for lunch one day, and then the couple went to play basketball out on their driveway. They saw the wife attack her husband. She literally holds him down. He's a pretty small guy, and she's thin but very tall and strong. Our friends went out and told the wife not to do that sort of stuff, especially in front of the kids. They have distanced themselves from them ever since. The husband now has openly admitted (to only a couple of people) that his wife does this constantly. If he even says one wrong thing, she attacks him.

A couple of years ago their oldest daughter (6 years old at the time) came to church with what I swear looked like choke marks on her neck. At the time I just brushed it off, thinking maybe she was wrestling with her little brother, or whatever. But now I truly believe it was from her mom.

What do we do? I cannot stop thinking about this. I just can't believe someone would do these types of things. It just makes me sick! Our pastor is aware of the problems, but is relying on prayer. I do believe in the power of prayer, but in this situation I think it warrants more action. The only people who know are the pastor, the friends who had the couple over for lunch, and now we know. What would you do if you were in our shoes? PS: And no, the attack wasn't just fun and games because they were playing basketball. I made sure of that. It was a true, physical attack, because of something the husband said to her, apparently.

Jennifer: I am so glad that this has given us all an opportunity to see that abuse isn't just male to female, but in fact can be the other way around and can go between same sex couples also. It has the same demoralizing effect on the spouse and the same trauma occurs with the children. The pastor is a mandated reporter, and if he is aware of the marks on this child's neck he should and has a legal (and moral) duty to contact protective services. It can be done anonymously so please if he hasn't done this or won't do it, please do it yourself. It is possible that they will only take a report (since it is now likely the marks are gone), but to start a paper trail is a good thing in this situation. The pastor, being the spiritual leader has the most clout in your church community and can perhaps call on elders in the church to assist. This woman needs immediate assistance with anger management and the spouse and children need assistance with counseling for the effects of the abuse, including going to a shelter or making the wife leave. The spouse will need support if this happens as his self worth has suffered significantly.

They will all need support. I too believe in prayer, but (from a standpoint of religion): we are called upon to help our brothers and sisters by God. We are the ones who are able to step in and help this couple and especially their children. If she is doing this in front of others one can only imagine what is happening behind closed doors. I agree with you that it needs to be taken seriously and action needs to happen. If the pastor is still reluctant please get the information about local support groups to this husband so that he knows he has some options. He has the added stigma of it being seen as "unusual" that he is being battered as a man, which just adds to his sense of shame. Let him know that he has support. You are doing the right thing for him and the children.

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Questions and Answers (Click on the linked numbers below):

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 6.  Thank you, Jennifer
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