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Amanda's Pregnancy Journal

Week 20
~ Halfway!

Amanda at 20 weeksOkay, time for the cliché "I'm halfway there" comment. But it is true when you reach this week and you realize that you are actually halfway there! I had Gabe the day before his due date, so I guess I went the full 40 weeks. I know not every pregnancy is the same, but maybe I will get to the exact 40 weeks this time too.

I realized that I forgot to add our Fourth of July celebration last week, so I'll add it in this week. Since Hank works as a pizza delivery driver on Friday and Saturday, he couldn't be there with us--which I was upset about because we only have one car and he had to take it to work. So we didn't get to see a nice display up close, but we made the best out of it. Hank dropped Gabe and I off at his mother's house and we could see part of a display from a mall a few miles down the road. It was cut off by trees, but we could see most of it. There were some neighbors setting some off as well. Gabe got bored pretty fast with the fireworks anyway and just wanted to play trains after an hour or so. We had an apple pie and some ice cream, and then we called it a night.

This week I also fully realized that I am going to have two kids! That means twice as much for everything. Now there will be two to get ready, two baths, two to play with, another at meal times, two to buy clothes for, two birthdays, and one more for holidays (just some examples). Before, I guess I was living in dreamland and I never actually thought about how much more work this will be. I am still happy to be having another child, but now I have to cope with the idea of adding another for everything. I am sure every mom who is pregnant with her second has wondered if she will be able to handle everything. I know my mom told me she struggled when she was pregnant with my sister and she really doubted if she had enough love in her for two. Of course she did, but I think we all hope we do at some point. This is going to be a tough and rewarding job coming up! It is all worth it though when your baby looks you in the eyes and says "I love you Mommy."

Ever since Gabe was born I have really fought with myself about whether or not I am a good mom. Everyone says I am but I am not fishing for compliments when I say to my husband that I'm not. I think I beat myself up too much about it, but I really can't help it. I really hate working so much and I feel like I am depriving Gabe or that I am not spending enough time with him. I even feel guilty when Hank and I go out (which is very rarely!) and I don't get to spend an evening with Gabe. I feel if I don't spend every second with him, I am a bad mom. Or if I give him chicken nuggets and fries or something, I am a bad mom, or if I lose my patience over something trivial. I just always want to be the best at everything and if I feel that I'm not--then I'm failing, and being a mother is the last thing someone wants to fail at. Now that we're having another, I hope these feelings get better and not worse, I don't think I could deal with twice as much "bad mom" feelings!

We discovered that Gabe was confused about the difference between boys and girls. Hank had asked him if mommy was a boy or girl and he said I was a boy, then he said his cousin was a boy and we realized that maybe he was confused. I think he may have been giving us the wrong answers on purpose because he has been doing that lately for attention. I had taught him about boys and girls a while ago, but maybe he forgot. So we worked with him on it, and now he has it.

There are some cute stories I want to share from this week too. I went to the grocery store one night and brought home Frosted Flakes. I showed Gabe (if I come home with any bags or even my lunch box, he has to inspect everything) and he got all excited about the "tiger cereal." He was running around and jumping and yelling "tiger cereal!" and he was so eager to eat it, he wanted it for dessert that night. And this weekend when I was playing with him in his bath, he was making pancakes and mixing the batter (of bathwater) and adding all the ingredients. He was naming them all of and I was impressed, he said "flour, eggs, milk, sugar" then he said "and boat" and I made a big deal about it and he laughed. Then he added "and batteries" and I just laughed and made a big deal about that too and he was so thrilled--he kept adding "batteries" and I would dump out the cup or move it away before he could pour the water in and say "noooo batteries!" and he thought it was the greatest thing. We have been playing that for 3 nights now, haha. It is cute.

And as for Lilly; she is really moving around now. We still can't feel from the outside, but the kicks and movements are getting stronger. I always feel them so low it makes me wonder if babies even settle that low! I can feel pressure sometimes from her rolling around too. She really has certain times that she is more active. I feel her usually in the morning when I wake up, at lunch, in the evening around dinner, and at night when I'm going to bed. I feel a couple jabs here and there, but she always seems to be moving at those usual times.

I had told Hank this week that I would like him to pick her middle name. I picked Gabe's middle name (Eugene after my father) and Hank agreed with no argument. So I really would like him to pick her middle name and I am excited to see what he comes up with. We were going to give Lilly Hank's mom's name for her middle name (and I really wish we never told her because I don't want to hurt her feelings if we change it because it has nothing to do with how we feel about her), but this is our last baby and a little girl and there are so many pretty little girl names, I just want something we are really happy with. My suggestion was Amelie because I think it is very pretty and is French like Hank (his dad is French and Italian and can speak French). But Hank didn't think it flowed. So we will see what comes from Hank when he gets to choose!

That about sums up this week; I have included a tummy shot because it is the halfway point and I am showing quite a bit now. Gabe really wanted to be in the picture, so he is there too. Talk to you all next week!

~ Amanda

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