~ WOW - What a Week!
Let me just say that I don't even totally realize how busy I am until I go to write this journal. I take things day by day and do what needs to be done, but when I think back on things . . . sometimes I don't know how I do it all. And the strangest part is I still feel lazy and unproductive. Maybe it's because I try to be so different from my mother that I overdo it and I'm always beating myself up about the little things; such as- if I don't get to really play with Gabe one evening or have to give him a shower instead of a bath due to time constriction. But I always forget how happy Gabe is and that he really doesn't know the difference. A shower is just as fun as a bath or he'd rather have me watch him play and comment here and there rather than jump in (I play all the games wrong anyway). It's just really really hard for me to see myself as a good mom; I always think I could do better. But I guess that's not such a bad thing because it makes you try to be better.
First off, I had a midwife appointment on Monday. She checked me and I'm 1 cm, 50% effaced and at -3. I'm not quite sure what the -3 actually means; I know it's how far down she is in the pelvis, but where -3 actually is, I have no clue. I wanted to ask her until she mentioned that Lilly is posterior. I was a little in shock after that. Hopefully she turns, because I do not want back labor when I'm planning a completely natural birth!! There is still time, babies even turn while you're in labor, so I guess it's not that serious. But now I am worried about it on top of everything else.
I also had a surprise baby shower on Monday as well! All the ladies at work planned one for me! I was so happy; I didn't have one with Gabe. The whole situation was funny because I came around the corner and saw our court runner bringing in a cake to the big conference room and they closed the door when they saw me so I went and asked the receptionist what was going on and she said "Just a little thing for ___ (one of the attorneys)" and then I said "Oh, it looks like some kind of surprise thing." Which made it even funnier because it was a surprise and for me. They got me a cute cake, pizza, decorated and I got a few presents. It made me feel really special.
On Friday, we prepped for Gabe's birthday. I decorated his cake and made spinach dip. We got our plans together, did a little organizing and set some things up. I made three sheet cakes and only ended up using 2, so Hank's mom, dad and Gabe kept eating the scraps that I was frosting with extra Cool Whip. I decided to use Cool Whip because regular icing seems to tear the cake and since I was creating a masterpiece here, I thought whipped topping would be better, and it was. The cake was surprisingly very easy to assemble.
Then Saturday was the big day! We got everything ready just in time. It was a nice family get-together. We sat around and talked; the kids ran around and played. We ate a lot! I was surprised how much we all ate! Then we did the cake ceremony and Gabe kept telling us "It's Dizzer's birthday! It's Dizzer's Percy cake!" So we had to sing Happy Birthday to Gabe and Dizzer. Then we ate an early dinner, and then we did Gabe's Thomas piñata- or "Thomas Fiesta" as he called it. Then it was present time. He got some nice things. My dad got him the Leap Frog pen that can read books. I just need batteries so he can use it. I finally got a picture of the infamous pirate quilt too.
Then everyone left besides my sister and her family and my dad. Then my dad, Hank and my sister's fiancé, Jimmy, moved a pair of Dawn's couches to our place because she is getting new furniture so she gave her old set to us. And then Jimmy cleaned Dawn's carpets. So we were all exhausted by the end of the night. My niece Elizabeth was miserable, tired, and cranky before they left. They stayed an extra hour or so after he cleaned because Elizabeth fell asleep, but they left as soon as she woke up. Gabe passed out in my arms before we left. He woke up right before we were leaving and cried and cried the whole way home, but he wouldn't tell us what was wrong. So we started asking him and eventually Hank asked him if he was sad because the Percy party was over and he wailed "yessss," his voice was all shaky and he was truly upset. Poor Gabe, he didn't want his party to be over.
And as for my mom . . . I hate to bring personal family issues into this, but this really upset me this time. I can usually let a lot of things roll off my back, I am fairly easy-going, but this was the end of the line with my mother for me. She had called me up in the middle of the week and was all upset and trying to figure out how she could get to Gabe's birthday party because supposedly her car wouldn't make it (that's always her excuse for whatever car she has at the time, but they always made it the only three times she's come to see me in over 4 years) and Sam didn't have enough room in her van, and my best friend couldn't make it because she had to work so she couldn't get a ride with her. Then she starting crying about all the things she's missed. Then on Saturday when Sam got to the party, she said that my mom and my sister were at her house as we spoke and had decided not to come! Jimmy's son was with his mom so there was an extra seat in the van and Jimmy offered to stay home so my mom could come. My mom said no. Then Sam asked if at least my youngest sister, Hope, could come and my mom said no again!! Am I missing something?! She has missed all of Gabe's birthday parties (even his first!) besides his second, almost missed my college graduation, was dead drunk my whole wedding, and didn't even come to the hospital when Gabe was born, in NICU, and for a few hours--wasn't even sure if he would make it. She was not there, in fact, she didn't see Gabe for the first time until I brought him to her. She called me on Saturday night and I refused to talk to her, I'm over it.
It's also not just about her not coming to see me or Gabe or what she has missed; the wounds are a lot deeper than that and too personal for me to discuss. Now she is so upset because she swears that Dawn has taken her place as my mother, and at this point, I wouldn't disagree. Of course I would never tell her that, though. She is still my mom.
Then on Sunday I spent some time at Dawn's because I get really bored in my little apartment. Then I came home and had to clean up from the furniture move and reorganize because the couches are so huge. So I had to dictate to Hank where to move everything. We moved our second computer to Gabe's room and shifted our whole dining area down about 2 feet. Then I set up the baby swing my sister gave me, and had to put more baby stuff away. Then clean up some more from all the moving. I was really hurting by the time all that was over.
On a different note, I didn't even think I would be writing this week's journal with the way I was feeling the beginning of the week. I thought for sure the time was very close. I have been having contractions all day every day this whole week. I was told any contractions at this point are not Braxton-Hicks, they're considered real. I was very crampy on Monday and Tuesday, but it calmed down after that. Still no bloody show or anything at this point. Lilly has been moving a lot, more that any other point in the pregnancy. I think she wants out. I'm not sure if I'm going to make it all the way. Dawn says the 16th, Hank's dad says the 19th, and his grandmom says the 20th. We'll see . . .
That's all for this week, talk to you all next week (maybe).