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Anne's Pregnancy Journal

Weeks 17 - 18
~ Movement!

There I was, sitting on the couch, working on the laptop, July 18th - 17 weeks 2 days, when I felt it. Bonk. Bonk bonk. Low, on the right side, easily mistaken for gas, except gas bubbles don't pop in the same place repeatedly. I knew it had to be my baby.

I had spent some time in the previous week feeling very depressed and crying, because I wanted to love being pregnant, and wasnít feeling it. I loved that I WAS pregnant, I was not loving BEING pregnant, if that makes sense. The unpredictable fatigue, sore boobs, and random emotional ups and downs were really getting me down. I became convinced that I would be the worldís worst mother and feared that Iíd spend the whole pregnancy feeling depressed. Thank heavens for good friends like Hedra.

Hedra is one of my best friends and closest confidantes. She also started out as a HypnoBirthing client; I donít make it a habit of creating these friendships, but sometimes the Universe seems to have ordained that these bonds form. She is the mother of 4, most recently (and finally) twin girls. I was blessed to be present at the births of 3 of her 4 children (To read her pregnancy journal, go to http://www.storknet.com/journals/hedra/)

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Hedra has been the recipient of most of the tearful phone calls, which can generally be summed up with ďPLEASE tell me this is normal.Ē When I had to just lose it for awhile because I was thinking I should be enjoying being pregnant more than I was, she provided comfort, and a reality check: ďNature is geared for women to survive pregnancy with live offspring; Nature isnít interested in whether itís comfortable or not, just survivable.Ē Oh. Right. Somehow, I thought that my deep belief that womenís bodies are perfectly made for birthing had bled over into thinking that pregnancy should always be a joy. Well, sometimes itís not. Good to know. AND, itís ok to say that sometimes it just sucks. Not always, just sometimes. Whew!

So, it seems to me that, somehow, that dark night of the soul was necessary preparation for the high contrast provided by the excitement of feeling those first few flutters. (Flutters? Ok, bonks. No other way I can describe it than a soft bonk.) I wish that the sensations were strong enough to be felt from the outside. Matt has expressed that while the pregnancy is a reality, the baby is not. Strangely, that makes sense to me. Until I felt those first bonks, I was pretty much in the same boat, but now, this is a whole different ballgame. Now, I AM loving being pregnant, even when I get round ligament pain or get tired, I know that if I wait long enough, Iíll get rewarded with little wiggles and bonks from baby.

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