19 weeks 3 days
I’m a pretty strong advocate for homebirth. With that comes a commitment to having as few unnecessary interventions or tests as possible all through the process. It would seem that most people don’t know that ACOG’s official stand on ultrasound is that there is no reason to have any ultrasounds during pregnancy unless there is a clear medical indication. Hey, even I was surprised at that, and I was also glad to hear of it!
That said, Matt is really wanting to know the gender, and more than that, to be able to see the baby. I, on the other hand am very uncomfortable with the idea of having an ultrasound. Until today, I couldn’t have even told you why.
I’ve been having regular prenatal check ups with the midwives every four weeks. For peace of mind, and because homebirth moms who end up with the rare hospital transport tend not to be treated very nicely in our area, I’ve decided to have one visit with an OB who is at least respectful of a woman’s right to choose her place and manner of birthing. That appointment was yesterday, and I asked for a referral for an ultrasound, just in case. I was really wanting to be able to give Matt the opportunity to see the baby. I even made an appointment, but as soon as I’d done so, I found myself in incredible emotional turmoil.
DISCLAIMER - Before I continue, I want to be very clear: I believe that whatever a woman chooses to do about interventions, tests, etc in pregnancy is HER personal choice. I’m NOT saying that nobody should ever have ultrasound, or that it’s inherently wrong to want to peek. I’m simply about to recount my personal struggle and process with the issue.
I went to bed that night in anguish. I asked for a dream that would show me why this whole ultrasound thing was so darn hard for me. My subconscious did not disappoint. I had a dream that Beth (business partner/friend) was doing some hypnosis with me. In hypnosis, I had found myself in front of heavy wooden doors, like you might find on an old European cathedral. On those doors was a great bronze seal, securing space behind those doors. She said to me, “You must go in,” to which my dreamself responded, “I can’t, the doors are sealed.” She again urged me to enter, reminding me that if I wanted what I said I wanted, I would have to go through those doors. In that moment I recognized that to do so would be trespassing on sacred ground that was not mine to tread. I simply could not do that.
Matt is a huge-hearted, generous man. I know it was difficult for him to have that day of thinking he’d get to see the baby on ultrasound and then have it pulled away like that. I also know that he understands that some things don’t make sense, but they are what they are, and so he will find his way to come to terms with waiting to see the baby until the birth. Even though this has been a very difficult issue for us, working through it has given us both a difference sense of strength. For me, I now know I have strength within me to be able to stand up for what I believe in, even when it’s an unpopular view.
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