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Anne's Pregnancy Journal

19 weeks 3 days
~ Saying No

Iím a pretty strong advocate for homebirth. With that comes a commitment to having as few unnecessary interventions or tests as possible all through the process. It would seem that most people donít know that ACOGís official stand on ultrasound is that there is no reason to have any ultrasounds during pregnancy unless there is a clear medical indication. Hey, even I was surprised at that, and I was also glad to hear of it!

That said, Matt is really wanting to know the gender, and more than that, to be able to see the baby. I, on the other hand am very uncomfortable with the idea of having an ultrasound. Until today, I couldnít have even told you why.

Iíve been having regular prenatal check ups with the midwives every four weeks. For peace of mind, and because homebirth moms who end up with the rare hospital transport tend not to be treated very nicely in our area, Iíve decided to have one visit with an OB who is at least respectful of a womanís right to choose her place and manner of birthing. That appointment was yesterday, and I asked for a referral for an ultrasound, just in case. I was really wanting to be able to give Matt the opportunity to see the baby. I even made an appointment, but as soon as Iíd done so, I found myself in incredible emotional turmoil.

DISCLAIMER - Before I continue, I want to be very clear: I believe that whatever a woman chooses to do about interventions, tests, etc in pregnancy is HER personal choice. Iím NOT saying that nobody should ever have ultrasound, or that itís inherently wrong to want to peek. Iím simply about to recount my personal struggle and process with the issue.

I went to bed that night in anguish. I asked for a dream that would show me why this whole ultrasound thing was so darn hard for me. My subconscious did not disappoint. I had a dream that Beth (business partner/friend) was doing some hypnosis with me. In hypnosis, I had found myself in front of heavy wooden doors, like you might find on an old European cathedral. On those doors was a great bronze seal, securing space behind those doors. She said to me, ďYou must go in,Ē to which my dreamself responded, ďI canít, the doors are sealed.Ē She again urged me to enter, reminding me that if I wanted what I said I wanted, I would have to go through those doors. In that moment I recognized that to do so would be trespassing on sacred ground that was not mine to tread. I simply could not do that.

When I awoke, I finally understood my reluctance. For me, that wombspace was somehow sacred, not to be peeked in or otherwise violated without a darn good reason. To me, curiosity simply wasnít enough. Certainly, if there were a medical reason to feel the need to check things out, some concern that warranted that intrusion, I would be willing. This was not that kind of situation. I called my husband and apologized for saying I would go, and let him know that I simply could not in good conscience bring myself to have the ultrasound. Turns out it was a deep spiritual issue for me all along; no wonder I hadnít been able to articulate it before this moment. Once I was able to say it clearly, I found a deep peace that had eluded me for months as we struggled with the issue.

Matt is a huge-hearted, generous man. I know it was difficult for him to have that day of thinking heíd get to see the baby on ultrasound and then have it pulled away like that. I also know that he understands that some things donít make sense, but they are what they are, and so he will find his way to come to terms with waiting to see the baby until the birth. Even though this has been a very difficult issue for us, working through it has given us both a difference sense of strength. For me, I now know I have strength within me to be able to stand up for what I believe in, even when itís an unpopular view.

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