~ Showers and Tears
After a mini debate over what position to best stick me in the car that would best protect me and the baby, my parents and I piled in our Volkswagen and headed up the highway towards Phoenix. It seemed as though the mini road trip would never end as my parents were driving as if the speed limit was largely overestimated. I’m in the backseat feeling queasy and thinking, "I'm seriously not disabled." When I offered to drive, a bi-harmonious "no" echoed through the car. Alright, at least I tried. I am simply pregnant, not five years old all over again and without any sense of adult capabilities. I guess it's my parents' little way of protecting their future grandson. Nonetheless, we made our way (safely, might I add) up to my aunt and uncle's house north of Phoenix for my baby shower.
My aunt and younger cousin went all out for my party. My aunt went through the effort of sewing the party favor bags and by making homemade cookies and treats to go in them. She ordered it seemed like a dozen balloons in the party theme colors of green and brown. There were flowers galore: daisies, roses, daffodils, you name it! In the morning before the party, we made chocolate covered strawberries, made mini sandwiches, skewered fruit, and compiled a monstrous sized vegetable platter. The stage was set for a party! I had a good number of girlfriends show up, many of whom I hadn’t seen since graduation ten months prior. It was so great to be surrounded by friends and catching up after spending a long year abroad where most days I'd be lucky to get a one word conversation out of a cashier in a day. We played several games such as "guess the pregnant lady’s girth", "name that mystery baby food", and "baby item memory". I was then spoiled with what seemed like an endless number of baby gifts. Needless to say, our little one will be dressed to the nines. He’s got more cute outfits than I do these days and he’s not even born yet! It was so nice to see my friends and catch up; I had such a fun party.
Earlier in the week, however, I had not been so cheery. I feel as though I am repeating myself when I say this but, "I really miss my husband!" There was one day last week where I found myself bawling buckets and calling my husband in the wee early European hours just to sit on the other end of the phone howling. I must've went through three boxes of Kleenex in one phone conversation. I feel awful about this but I always find myself really emotionally upset at the end of the hockey season when he is done and ready to come home but he spends a few weeks after with his family. Completely unjustified, I know! I would never not want him to visit his family, not in a million years! But I also experience these insanely selfish reactions like I just want him home with me when he is more or less 'released from duty'. Maybe it's also just been my circumstances. Last year I hadn't seen him for four months and I was doing my internships and working on my dissertation (more stressed out than I've ever been) and now with the pregnancy . . . And I dont know what it is but it always gets the worse when he goes to visit his brother and sister-in-law. They recently had a baby as well and I felt so emotional when he was on the other end of the line with the new baby in his arms. It made me so happy that he was there with her but also made me feel like I was completely missing out. I think sometimes I feel a little bit of jealousy towards my sisterin-law because I feel like she always has it figured out and the ‘home-making’, if you will, comes so easy to her. I feel sometimes like I am the black sheep of the family, the American who no one really understands, who is just different. I feel sometimes like as an American girl, I grew up playing sports, urged to be competitive and do well in school and succeed in a career. I didn't learn how to cook, take care of babies, and manage a household. My husband convinces me that his family would never judge me in the way that, in my own mind, think they do at times. I seriously need to somehow tackle these feelings and move on.
Irregardless of my emotional rollercoaster of a week, I have been really enjoying myself and relaxing with my parents in Arizona. I made it my prime objective of the week to simply, "chill out and soak up some sun". I think I'm, for the most part, doing a pretty good job. I feel I owe it to myself and to the baby to produce some long overdue vitamin D.
So there you go, a week of ‘showers and tears’. Who knows what next week will bring . . .