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Amanda's Pregnancy Journal

One Month Later

If there was ever a time in my life when I've felt more beaten/broken down/exhausted, this would be it. Not only did I have the D & C to deal with. Within a week following the surgery we had to pack up our house, move out of the country and move into a new city abroad. Packing and moving is stressful enough. Then you add traveling overseas with husband, dog, and baby. On top of that, you've got a mountain of boxes to unpack. And then you've got to learn the ropes of a new town where you don't speak the language. Eeeek! I am very thankful for our exciting lifestyle but it definitely doesn't come without some extremely stressful episodes.

I am slowly healing but my wounds are still gaping and raw. There isn't an hour of the day that goes by where my thoughts don't wander to what might have been. My emotions have run the gamut. Definitely shock and bewilderment in the beginning. Constant undertones of extreme sadness and sorrow. Anger has definitely sprouted up here and there. But overall I just feel beaten down and heartbroken.

Emotionally I am exhausted. Physically I am exhausted. Looking in the mirror I see a mine field of zits and blemishes (thank you hormones) and baggy, bloodshot eyes. I feel as though I've aged years in this single month of my life. I've never experienced a month of my life which seems to last an entire year. Seriously I celebrated when August 1st appeared!! It's like taking baby steps. Each week past the surgery is a mountain climb in itself. I don't recall what my OB had said about bleeding but I've straight up been spotting up until a day ago (four weeks after surgery). Definitely seeing bloody pads each bathroom visit for a month is exhausting within itself. Now when I go to wee I cross my fingers that I have a clear, white pad. Like I said, baby steps. No one ever tells you how painstakingly difficult this whole baby making process can be. My next big baby step . . . Aunt Flow please!!! Never in my life did I think I'd be rooting for her to show up. Honestly I get excited when I think I feel some cramps coming on (deranged, right?).

My husband and I are really excited about trying again. But there's two sides to every coin. I'm very hopeful for another future pregnancy but also scared to death of going through this whole process again. My heart goes out to every woman who has gone through this. This is NOT an easy road. I honestly had the biggest ego going into this prior pregnancy. I will even go so far to brag that my first pregnancy was simply "a breeze". I had such a great first pregnancy I thought of course I could do it again. I feel young for today's average mother (27), I don't smoke, rarely drink, eat healthy, exercise religiously, take all my pre-natal vitamins. But clearly this all wasn't enough. This can happen to anybody.


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