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Amanda's Pregnancy Journal

Week 9
~ D & C

Dilation and curettage. "Curettage," sounds like a fancy French spa treatment. But in all honestly, quite the opposite!

I arrived at my OB's office on Monday morning with my mind fixated on the worse. The verdict was pretty much out, just needed the final say-so. The third blank, quiet, uncomfortable ultrasound ensues. My doctor explains that it's nothing that we did. Making a baby from scratch is a true scientific miracle and if the chromosomes don't pan out correctly the pregnancy cannot survive. All understandable but nonetheless still remarkably painful. I am more accepting at this time after having several days to run the scenario through my head but I am still fighting back the tears and the feeling of lost hope is very real.

Despite the fact that my OB was slammed with appointments after being out of the office for a few weeks, she was able to fit in our D & C operation on Wednesday morning. I was a bit relieved because I really didn't want to live with the physical part of it anymore. I wanted physical closure and the ability to start moving on. She said that there were other options but that she strongly suggested the D & C. Of course we are moving to a different country in a week and the last thing I wanted to deal with was having a miscarriage while on our 10 hour plane ride or something.

My husband dropped me off Wednesday morning at the hospital. I had avoided any food or water since the night before. The weather forecast was another beautiful, sunny summer July day. I'm wishing it was December, cold, wintry, dark and dreary so that it could better fit my disposition. But life certainly doesn't always pan out the way we think it will. This whole disappointing pregnancy is strongly reinforcing this notion. The lady next to me in the waiting room is summoned, "ready to have your baby today?" a tremendously chipper morning nurse exclaims. I am wishing a hundred times over that I could be upstairs in the charming delivery section of the hospital but today it's downstairs for this lady. Never did I think that labor sounded so honestly appealing!! How could anyone ever complain about the day you get to meet your baby? Certainly not me. This unpredicted path has, if nothing else, had to make me a stronger, more aware person. Suddenly all the things that seemed so trivial before are mere bits of nothings now. I am so, so, so, so thankful for the blessings in my life, like my beautiful, healthy 12 month old son.

I meet up with the nurses, adorn a triple XL lavender gown (so incredibly sexy, right?). I flip through the television channels only to discover the biggest news of the day is that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are engaged. Really? Various nurses and doctors come by. I sign papers. Stuck with the IV. My OB slips in and explains the procedure. I drill her with my many questions. The anesthesiologists proceed with the sleep inducing drugs and all the sudden the room vanished and I am completely out.

I felt actually quite good after the surgery. Must've been all the drugs? I thought for some reason I would be in much more pain. I think the emotional pain is for sure the biggest part of this whole process. My husband drove me home and upon request we picked up donuts. I never eat donuts. But today was a day for donuts. This could for sure be one of the worst days ever. I know I will heal in time but I feel so broken, tired, weary, heartbroken.


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