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Amanda's Pregnancy Journal

Week 37
~ Gloomy Gloom

nurseryI usually don't consider myself a "Negative Nancy" but this week I've felt a constant stream of gloom through my system that I simply haven't been able to let go of. I feel sort of like Charlie Brown the character from the "Peanuts" who has a cloud kind of just follow him around (Charlie Brown, right?) or maybe he just has a dusty trail follow him around by anyhow. Doesn't help that this week in Denver has been incredibly cool, overcast, and well . . . gloomy. And I've also come down with something again which I think might be strep throat. I'm so tired of being sick and pregnant! Of course I packed really light coming home from Europe so I didn't bring any of our winter clothes here which we definitely could be utilizing now. Irregardless of the weather I simply feel downright gloomy and depressed. I'm not at all depressed about my baby and the birth itself, I'm honestly so in love with her already and super pumped about the excitement ahead. I think I've just taken to heart this week run-in's with people's negative opinions towards babies and motherhood. And to boot, I've just simply been annoyed with people . . . in general. It's probably just a hormonal thing. I crave solitude more than anything right now; I just want to be at peace with my body and my daughter and just let the rest of the world melt away.

I think another thing that is eating at me is a overwhelming feeling of isolation. Although I feel extremely blessed for the life we live, it hits home at times like this how much I crave feeling "at home" and I'm not really sure where that is anymore. I'm tired of the constant life transitioning. I know that home is where the heart is and where the family is but when we're constantly moving it's hard to feel part of a community or feel like you have a support system when you need it most (especially at a time like this). For instance we live in Denver now where we have absolutely no family. My parents move around from Arizona to Alaska and my husband's parents are in Eastern Europe. My friends are in different places and when we leave for nine months out of the year it's hard to maintain friendships/relationships because people go on with their lives. I'm honestly scared the most about going into labor before my parents get here (they are flying into town two days before my due date) because I'm not sure who'll be able to watch Owen while I'm laboring (much more nervous about this than the labor itself). Most of all I crave stability and a feeling of "belonging" which I feel is a big gap in my life right now.

I've also felt overwhelmed lately with my 23 month old. He's at a stage where he spends a majority of the day crying/fussing/tantruming. I honestly don't know how I'm going to stay sane when both of my babies are crying at the same time. I think in his own way he senses the anticipation of a new baby in the house. He's been extremely clingy and needs to be held throughout most of the day. I feel bad if I don't hold him (most of the time) so I find myself at 37 weeks pregnant trekking up and down the stairs/cooking/cleaning with a 2 year old in my arms. I'm just torn between trying to protect my growing belly/body and attending to his needs. Maybe I'm experiencing the underlying feelings and worries of how I'll be able to balance the needs of two little people . . . at the same time. I'm very much a one-on-one person so I'm nervous about how I'll be as a mother of two.

At times like this I'm also feeling the sadness surrounding my commitments to my family and thus the absence of my own ambitions and professional self. There are days when I just feel my brains going to complete moosh. I worked so hard to get my Doctor of PT degree and here I am humming Elmo tunes and folding laundry. I really wish some days that I could gain some confidence through working and seeing patients. I crave being respected as a professional as well as a mom. I want to read and learn and attend conferences but at this stage I don't have any time for it. At the same time I feel very fortunate to spend time with my babies and not have to work. It's a roller coaster of emotions/feelings at times.

Okay to get off my sadness tracks. I had an absolutely fabulous Mother's Day. We rented a cabin in the Colorado mountains about two hours from Denver. We spent the weekend relaxing, eating high caloric cabin food (think bacon for breakfast...), and taking Owen outside to play. It was fun to spend time with my boys as our last little vacay as a family of 3! I also went to a "Just Between Friends" sale this weekend which is a gigantic sale of re-used baby/kid items (takes up a huge chunk of the fairgrounds). I bought a bassinet, lots of books, some cute clothes, and a kitchen set for Owen (he'll have to share with his sister eventually).

I'm down to weekly appointments with the doctor. She was very pleased with the results from the ultrasound which was very re-assuring. Baby Girl's nursery is almost complete and so cute! I go in there sometimes just to breathe and soak in the stillness and beauty of her little nook of the house. It's very girly--pink walls with black furniture and damask design. I'll attach a picture so you can get an idea.

All in all I just can't believe I'm in my 9th month of pregnancy. I've been pregnant for nearly one year now (not some crazy human); I'm actually including my last pregnancy which ended in miscarriage so it's really been a long haul emotionally and physically. I'm so excited to meet my daughter and hold her in my arms. It still seems very surreal to me. I can't believe how close we are getting to the big day!


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