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Bec's Pregnancy After Loss Journal


Week 21
~ On Top of the World, and Bottoms

This past week I have felt incredibly well.

I am probably the healthiest - and funnily enough, the heaviest - I have been in my entire life.

I managed to have an entire week of stunningly wholesome lunches. There were kidney beans, nuts, tuna, herbs, bran, grains, a mountain of salad and vegetables and very little dodgy snack food.

In fact I think we went an entire 10 days straight without having cake in the office . . . clearly the petty cash reserves for sweet treats are dwindling. If that isn't proof that the GFC is well and truly still with us, I don't know what is.

The cake sits right next to my desk. Like, RIGHT NEXT TO IT. I do not have to move anything but my right arm if I wish to partake in a slice of something containing more sugar and preservatives than a hot dog in a Coke factory.

So thankfully, no temptations this week.

I felt like I was buzzing with vitality and it was noticeable. I remember driving home one day actually saying that to myself, "I feel fantastic."

I must also get my paperwork in order for my maternity leave stuff at work.

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According to an email I got from my manager, this is what I have to provide: 10 weeks notice in writing of my intention to take maternity leave (seems a little extreme), four weeks notice in writing stating when I wish to start the leave (um, how will I know that?? when the baby is born, d'uh, hopefully a week before), a medical certificate stating I am pregnant (and not doing a Beyonce) and giving the expected due date, if my spouse is taking paternity leave and a stat dec if they are taking more than one week (so we don't double dip on the system) plus any accrued leave entitlements.

You want to know why I have put this off for so long? READ ALL OF THE ABOVE.

I hate paperwork. I am allergic to it. I detest trying to put my hands on membership numbers and passwords and credit limits and usernames. I know my birthday and my tax file number by heart, but ask me for any other personal information and this is the soundtrack in my mind: "beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep". I am the person who has my own mobile phone number listed in my own mobile phone under "Me". I am the person who always has to check what the bloody name of our bank account is.

I don't even know what my salary is, let alone my damn leave entitlements. You're the pay office, you find out!

Anyway. My favourite is the certificate stating I am in fact pregnant. Just take a look at me, take a picture, I am expanding before your eyes! No woman would ever fake this! Beyonce, respect. (I think that's total crap, by the way, of course she is pregnant. See girlfriend waddle?? Hello!) This past weekend was the first time I actually felt uncomfortable about my girth, physically. Australians all, let us rejoice, for I am girt by me. There is me, then there is this whole other layer of me, bellium rapido expandius.

Also, I have experienced heartburn and indigestion for the first, quite revolting, time. Stomach acids rising in my throat are trying to send me a clear message: six small meals a day, rather than three big ones, just like the books say.

But I don't listen.

Exhibit A. Lunch, Sunday: chicken, hommus and salad grain roll, quarter packet leftover sweet chilli chips, handful peanut M&Ms, two bowls cereal.

Afternoon, Sunday: overfed stupor-induced nap for 1.45 hours.

It's weird. I eat perfectly good meals and then feel quite hungry seconds later.

I am incredibly conscious of being active to balance all this, so I walk most days or ride my bike. Plus we went kayaking yesterday and I pulled Jay around on the body board in the lake shallows for a while.

This second trimester I am discovering is all about extremes. Extremes of mood, eating, sleeping, feeling fabulous, then feeling like shit when you don't sleep for various reasons.

Oh, and extreme back pain. What's with that? I have never ever had back problems at all. Good lord, I now pity all of you who have.

Extreme emotions too, but that's a given. We moved all our bedroom furniture out over the weekend to get the carpets cleaned. Stacked under a tallboy was all the scan images, paperwork and condolence cards from the time we lost the baby last year.

We only had a 3D scan done for this pregnancy three weeks ago and I picked up one folder that looked like it, only to flip it open and suddenly see a 3D image of our baby boy.

I snapped it shut straight away, confronted. Bloody hell, he was gorgeous.

That hurt, that really hurt.

But it's in the past and happier memories are forming protectively around it, fairy floss enveloping a dark jagged rock.
~ Bec

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