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Bec's Pregnancy After Loss Journal


Week 36
~ Dreaming, Perchance to Sleep

Oh, so this is what they meant when they said uncomfortable!

Don't worry, I am not about to launch a waterfall of whinge. Frankly, the online space is filled to capacity with guff of that sort already. Actually, the online space is capacity-free, isn't it? And isn't that a worry.

Suffice to say I am feeling quite awkwardly large for the first time. I sit down at a desk for most of the day - not a position conducive to pain-free late-term pregnancy.

I have been dreaming this past week of inventing a contraption that allows a laptop to be strapped onto a bib-style apron to enable the wearer to walk around, rather than sit, while working on a computer.

It probably already exists, even though most people would surely only use it for a matter of weeks during their entire lifetime. Perhaps I could design one, and one only, that is shared about the world's pregnant working women via a roster.

Hmm.

These, and other random thoughts are par for the course between my ears right now. What else am I meant to do between the hours of 3am and 5am, when I am regularly awake.

Thinking.

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If I am not awake, I am dreaming some truly weird things. In the past week, I have stolen discount vouchers from an old lady while a fellow I used to work with, oh, about 12 years ago watches with uniformed police from a surveillance room next door; and I have flexed my biceps while conducting a post-match press conference at the Australian Open tennis event. Just some of the weird dream flashes I can remember off the top of my head.

I am also thinking a lot about how life in our little house will change so much in a short matter of weeks.

I am reading Susan Maushart's book The Mask of Motherhood, given to me, funnily enough, by my own mother.

It is part feminist textbook, part comedic rant and part statistical report that more than partially does my head in. But on the one-in-five occasions when I am mentally coherent enough to absorb what she is saying, it certainly does make my head think rather than hurt.

Suddenly I have realised little things like I may not be the one making dinner seven nights a week, just like I used to, due to certain new priorities. I am realising bigger things too that I will most likely fail at something so very new, in the short-term at least.

And I use the term fail pointedly, because parenting is full of little failures. You just hope there's few enough of them to ensure the victories tip heavier on the scales. And little fails are not full-time. The best ones are short, temporary, and they teach us stuff.

Hopefully, I'll be awake enough to pay attention.

But as someone reminded me today, while I have not undergone the full physical part of giving birth; I have been in baby-land before. I was a mum to a baby only a few years ago.

But I was a kind of father-mum . . . someone Centrelink may not define as the "primary care giver", not exclusively the one getting up for night feeds.

Plus you forget so easily. You forget about things like teething, nappies, solids, burping, toilet-training, tummy time.

Life can be so busy that the only way is to live in the moment.

I just wish the moment that she arrives was here! These last few weeks are dragging so much!

~ Bec

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