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Beth's Grief Journal
In Memory of Alyssa Kaye Bradford
July 12, 2000 ~ August 10, 2000

Entry #12 ~ November 29, 2001
~ A New Chapter Begins

This will be my last entry to this grief journal. I realize as I read back and continue to add to the journal, just how far I have come . . . how I have learnt to live with my daughter's death, even though I have not come to any acceptance that she is gone. frown

I have stumbled through these last 16 months blindly but have had several hands that have helped me along the path. People that I am so pleased to say are my friends, who are not ashamed to talk about Alyssa in order to shelter me. They who are few, have boldly mentioned her name, have kept her alive as being a person who existed, and have asked how I am doing and embraced me with human kindness I never knew existed.

There were others who while I blindly staggered through the fog, let go of my hand and drifted away into the darkness, never to call or mention Alyssa. To change the subject when I was hurt and looking for comfort.

Even though I can say I have many more good days then I can count bad, there are still moments of deep pain. Like the other day while taking details of a newly pregnant mother, I realized as she told me the history of her first pregnancy that her first child, a daughter running and playing before me was about 3 weeks older then Alyssa. I couldn't stop staring at her. I wondered who was playing a trick on me that I had to endure this pain over again. But amazingly I turned my thoughts away and continued the consultation even though this woman was definitely annoyed with the daughter who was grabbing at everything and trying to explore her world. I smiled and said goodbye without a tear. How far I have come!

Now only in the solace of my own company will I pour my tears over Alyssa. And it's becoming less and less over time.

Kyle my darling 3 1/2 year old boy has been my saviour. Just touching me and cheering me up has been enough to allow me to carry on. He has been so brave throughout this time, where he has had to play alone, but has made the best of the situation being such a happy boy.

And now, I am due with our third child in less then a week. I am more anxious then anything else, but hoping things will be ok this time. I know Alyssa is with me, I know she is watching over me, I can feel and sense it. I know she will help me through the childbirth and subsequent long nights that I will be awake monitoring the new baby. She will always be a part of this family, her brother and other siblings will know all about her and be able to keep her in their hearts.

The long pregnancy with Alyssa, and brief visit into our home has made me savor life, to realize just how precious every moment is. Although I have cried so many tears, I can safely say that I have come to a peaceful place now . . . a haven of rest. There is hope, it may seem futile as you read this, but it is there. Be patient with yourself.

The next chapter of my life is about to begin, and I am apprehensive and unsure but I will survive.

I know my precious Alyssa is with me helping to guide me through one step at a time.

The sun will rise again, and one day you will wake up and may not even notice it. Suddenly it will stop raining and the mist will slowly rise and you will be able to see more clearly. Never give up!

I hope this journal has helped and can continue helping the newly bereaved. You are never alone.

Sending blessings your way.

I miss you Alyssa. I always will. Not a day goes by that you are in my thoughts. I will always be your Mummy, and I will always embrace you in my heart.

My special girl Alyssa Kaye 12th July, 2000 - 10th August, 2000 . . . I love you.

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