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Beth's Grief Journal
In Memory of Alyssa Kaye Bradford
July 12, 2000 ~ August 10, 2000

Entry #5 ~ February 7, 2001
~ Racing Through Time

I have been so busy. Work has been hellish and everything seemed to go wrong at the same time last month. We are racing up to the sixth month anniversary of Alyssa's death now on February 10th. It's very disappointing that I have to work on this anniversary when I know it will definitely be hard to cope.

A lot of our family and friends have stopped talking about her now. I think they think we should be getting on with things now. It's easier said then done. Sure we have had some wonderfully happy days. We took Kyle out driving to see the countryside, play together constantly and do plenty of fun things together. And with these good days, have come the bad days unfortunately.

Last month, my Husband and I fought a lot. We were both so angry, and in amongst that I was tired. Our financial status needs improving desperately, and with everything else, it bogged us down and brought out our worst sides. On the bad days, I guess they usually start when I see Kyle playing by himself, or when I wake up feeling so down and out. he depression has hit and seems to take my entire personality and twist it into some other person. My husband seemed to think that I hadn't smiled in a long time, and I probably hadn't. And if I did smile in public it was usually fake or forced. It's horrible that life has to be this way. I am unsure if I have PPD. I had it with Kyle, but because this grief is involved, it is too hard to diagnose.

But today as I write this, I am having a good day. Things aren't so bad, and I know things can be exaggerated when I am having a bad day. I know and accept that some days I will have trouble getting out of bed and that I need to be easy on myself on those days.

Work has been extremely hard to cope with. It has been very demanding and non-stop. I find at work I am doing 4-5 things at once, and it all gets too much. Soon I am going part time, and I am thankful for that, even with our current financial problems.

Next week I go South for one week to start my Midwifery course. I am very excited and very scared about the entire thing, but I think it will be good for me, and give me a positive outlook toward life.

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My husband and I made a pact to try not to have heated arguments anymore. It really gets us nowhere, and we are going to try to speak calmly and truthfully about our feelings. I read somewhere that a huge majority of marriages fall apart after the loss of a baby. I don't want ours to be one of those statistics. We have realized that we need to spend much more time together, being together, talking, and sharing. And if a new pregnancy comes in amongst all of this, then it is obviously meant to be.

I am sick of living in fear. I was checking on Kyle 4-5 times each night to make sure he was still breathing. Now, 6 months on, I am checking on him maybe only 2-3 times through the night. I have come to realize that life cannot be controlled. That if something will happen it will. That fear is not going to change the course of our life span. This six months have been terribly hard. Some times I have wished I were dead. Other times I had wished her back a 1000 times. And yet other times I have managed to help others who have lost a baby and felt instant satisfaction. And to think about it all, I managed to laugh, to hold a family together, and realize that human kindness goes such a long way.

I can only thank my beautiful daughter for that.

I can thank my son, who at 2 1/2 managed to comfort me so simply.

I can thank my Husband for putting up with me.

I can thank God for giving me a hand each time I fall into that ditch, even though I told him I hated Him several times, then in turn asked for forgiveness.

Until next month. smilie

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