 In Memory of Alyssa Kaye Bradford July 12, 2000 ~ August 10, 2000
Entry #7 ~ April 5, 2001
I can't believe it. Last month I found out that I am pregnant! It was such a shock, and in some ways still is. I found out on the 26th March, early in the morning, with my husband standing behind me eagerly waiting a positive result. We were both ecstatic, and I found myself actually denying the result, looking back at the pregnancy test over and over again.
This week I have been having some cramping and spotting. The doctor sent me for an ultrasound, and we saw the tiny sac. The radiographer said that usually at five weeks pregnant we would see the tiny fetus, and she suggested that I was more three weeks pregnant and that I could have ovulated later then first thought. The doctor called and said the same thing, but also said that it could mean I have a blighted ovum. OMG, am I carrying around an empty shell? Am I suppose to get excited here? Or am I just suppose to hold off my excitement 'just in case'?
I feel almost guilty that I am pregnant again . . . that I am somehow getting on with my life, and my poor baby girl feels forgotten.
This month, I feel as if I can think about Alyssa with more happiness then pain. I feel as if I can talk about her without tears in my eyes and remember the good qualities about her rather then that tragic day where she was no longer full of life. It's easier to look upon Kyle as he is, rather then what he doesn't have. I don't mourn as much this month that he is playing by himself. I still find it hard to cope with at work sometimes. I feel as if I can't handle the pace at times, that I am incompetent to do my job.
It is hard waiting now. I am expecting to lose this baby, because it's a normal reaction after a loss. I just hope I don't. I don't know how I will cope if I lose this baby. I don't know if I have the strength to hold myself up. I feel bitter toward God more so than before. I just don't understand why this happens to people, and I don't care for any reasons either. I do hope though, that this bitterness passes soon, as I know that deep down I love Him.
Now I must wait and see what the next two months brings in terms of this new baby. I dearly hope I am granted another chance.
I miss you Alyssa.
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