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Brenda's TTC Journal

Entry 1
~ Why can't I just be normal?

A few months ago, Brad and I decided that we would contact my gynecologist and let him look at the basal body temperature charts I had been keeping for six months. We knew it was time to take a big step forward in this process. My doctor looked at my charts and assumed that I was ovulating. He then said the magic words. "If you're ready, I'll refer you to a specialist." YES! I'm ready.

We made our appointment for October 2 to meet our reproductive endocrinology (RE). At that appointment, we were able to discuss our medical histories as well as our TTC efforts so far. He then did an internal ultrasound to do some measurements and such. He said that all of my equipment looked normal and that I even had a follicle ripening that could burst any day! I couldn't help but think, "This is IT! We are going to go home and fertilize this eggie!!!" That is when I realized that my cycle just does NOT cooperate with me.

Here I was, walking around with this egg trying to burst out of my ovary and I didn't have ANY symptoms yet of ovulation. It was two days before I had any evidence of good quality cervical mucous. It was a full five days before I had any pains indicating ovulation. And let's not even talk about my basal body temperatures! I never even got that coveted rise to confirm ovulation.

The ultrasound was done on cycle day 10. My cycles are typically 28 - 30 days. I was scheduled for a progesterone test for cycle day 21. I was curious to see what my progesterone would be since I had no clue when I ovulated. It was 4.5 on day 21. The told me that it indicated that I ovulated but that it was low. I can't help but wonder though what this really means - "low progesterone." I've done a little research and basically determined that it means I don't ovulate correctly. If I don't produce enough progesterone when I ovulate then I'm not even making good quality eggs to be fertilized. They told me that clomid may help by encouraging the follicles to ripen properly. I feel comfortable with that decision, but my doctor isn't quite prepared to put me on it just yet. He wants to take a look at Brad's semen analysis results and then we will talk. Sounds like another journal topic to me!

That is me physically, but let's talk about emotionally. It's almost Thanksgiving. What that means to me is that I will get to spend a lovely day with my in-laws feasting on turkey and pumpkin pie. However, it also means I will be asked at least once, "When are you two going to get busy?" This is code in our family for, "When are you giving us grandchildren?" Believe me, there is nothing more I want than to give them a grandbaby. So I continue on . . .

Has anyone else asked themselves, "why can't I just be normal?" Doesn't it seem as though the rest of the world can become pregnant whenever they want while this area of your life seems to be stalled? But then I remember there are so many of us. It makes me sad, but it makes me feel included as well. I have concluded, as I do each year, that I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband. I have a job, I have a home, and I have food to eat. I am thankful that I still have hope that one day I will hold my baby. I am thankful that my baby will feel loved, cared for and wanted when they are given to me. I am thankful for a place to express my feelings, my concerns, and my joys. How would I feel if I were "normal?" Would I feel as thankful for my uterus or my ovaries? Would I feel as thankful for medication to make me ovulate? Would I feel as thankful for cervical mucous? Would I feel as thankful for the women who support me on this journey? You know what? I am thankful that I am not normal.

But we'll see how I feel next week at my in-laws’! wink

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