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Brenda's TTC Journal

Entry #10 ~ December 5, 2002
~ My Cup Runneth Over

Well, let's get the not-so-good news out of the way first. November 27 was Brad's third semen analysis since his surgery and the first one since he has been on clomid. There was no improvement. The pre-surgery sperm counts were all 2 million. This was also the count at the first test after surgery. At our appointment in August, his count had increased to seven million. The count last week was six million. Needless to say, this was not what we wanted to hear. It wasn't necessarily bad news. The count is still much higher than before surgery. Yet as the sperm count rose, so did our hopes. Now we feel stalled once again.

Our urologist, who is a very encouraging man, recommended that we move to intrauterine insemination (IUI). He feels this could be a successful procedure for us since it would cut down the journey for the sperm and perhaps increase their chances for survival! The doctor also increased Brad's dosage of clomid and wants him to stay on that. He briefly talked with us about some other more intensive, invasive, and expensive procedures that could probably be successful for us as well. Most of these are not procedures we are interested in at this point. We are taking this journey one step at a time. When the surgery presented itself, we felt like that was the right thing to do for us. Now that we are facing IUI, we also feel comfortable with that choice for us. Will we ever feel comfortable with more technically advanced reproductive assistance? Maybe. But right now we do not have this desire in our hearts at all. When the flip side of this decision is to keep trying on our own, it almost seems ridiculous not to try these procedures. So why are we so at peace with maintaining the status quo?

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I have to be honest. The news of Brad's semen analysis sent me into a tailspin. I had hung my heart on the hope of another great improvement and it just wasn't there. It began to creep into my mind that it may just be the two of us and that was a scary, hollow feeling. I've held babies in my arms. I've felt their soft cheeks and fuzzy heads. It is an amazing feeling! I want to feel that for my own child. But for some reason, I just can't bring myself to complain when the rest my life is so full of blessings. I heard a lady on the radio the other night. She was always concerned that she didn't have enough so they went horribly into debt just buying "things." She finally had to come to the point where she said, "Lord, if I don't have anything else the rest of my life, I have enough." I completely understand what she means. This is my new life motto! I remind myself everyday that I just need to stop and look around at what I've already got. There are people with real problems and real pain in the world and I can't bring myself to compare my hurt to theirs. My life is so full of abundance. This does not mean that we won't attempt any more fertility treatments, it is simply a resolution that we will be alright, no matter what the outcome. A baby would be icing on an already rich, bountiful cake!

Brad and I have discussed the situation and we are definitely going to try an IUI, but not until April. We want to wait a few months to see if the increased dosage of clomid helps Brad's count. By that time it will almost be March and I have my largest event at work that month. Getting away when I decide it's a fertile day could be really tricky! So we decided to wait until after that event was over. Until then, we continue to wait and pray.

We are really looking forward to Christmas this year. Brad and I are able to have lots of time off together to spend with my family and I am so thankful for that. Don't tell, but I've already got his Christmas present! Last year, we had put so much on hold thinking we were going to have to pay for surgery or other treatments. We are so thankful that our cost wound up being minimal. Just another blessing from the last year! We have so much to be thankful for and we intend to celebrate this year! Happy Holidays everyone! See you in 2003!

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