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Brenda's TTC Journal

Entry #11 ~ January 14, 2003
~ Things Change

This journal entry brings some very interesting things to report, but they aren't particularly about our efforts to have a baby. It has become very apparent that some other things in my life are going to take precedence for a few months so I hope you don't mind me sharing!

The biggest news in our life right now is that we bought a house! Our very first home. We are so excited! We were looking at listings on the internet and found the picture of a home that we both liked. Just a few hours later, we were inside that house and falling in love with it. The contract was just signed a few days ago and now we are applying for our mortgage. We close and take possession on January 31 so it's all happening very fast. This is a good thing for someone with as little patience as I have.

The house is 3 bedrooms and 2 full baths. I absolutely love the separate laundry room, the kitchen and the walk-in closet in the master bedroom. It's only about 10 years old so it is in excellent condition. We don't have to do a thing to move in because it's already so well kept. We both appreciate the fenced backyard and the school district. These aren't features that make an impact right away, but as you can tell, a baby still isn't far from our minds. We couldn't be happier about it. I will be sure to post pictures once we get our things moved in. In the meantime, please say a little prayer that the move goes well!

We had a wonderful Christmas. We were able to spend several days with my mom, which is always great. Being with my brother and his family on Christmas morning is always a lot of fun as well. This Christmas was a little bittersweet. My brother has a daughter and two sons and is now adopting a baby girl from Korea. She should be here by next fall. I'm thrilled that my brother's family is able to do this adoption since that is what they want. However, it's hard to see them welcome another baby into their home when we have waited so long. They basically have a guarantee that their family will grow and I am not afforded that luxury. I have no doubt we will love this new baby just as much as we did the first, but as anyone in my situation knows, the question of "when is it my turn" usually isn't far behind. These were the same feelings we had when we met our newest nephew right before Christmas. He is truly precious. But why does their family get to have three babies and we have none? Brad and I still plan to pursue the option of intrauterine insemination (IUI) in the next few months, but we are going to take some time to enjoy our new home (and new mortgage!) first.

You may remember that a few months ago my journal entry dealt with my feelings of childlessness as we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. In just a few months, I will be exploring my feelings of childlessness as I turn 30 years old. This will be quite a milestone in my journey - someplace I never really thought I'd be. There is another milestone that will occur with this birthday. In my introduction 11 entries ago, I told you about my father who was killed by a drunk driver when I was 15 years old. This year will be what I've come to dread as my "crossover" year. I will have lived as long without my father as I did with him. This may seem like an odd way to mark a milestone, but those who have suffered tragic losses understand.

For the last 15 years my mother has placed a cross on the side of the highway near the site where my father died. She has asked me before when she should stop doing this and I had always told her that she would know. As Brad and I traveled home from our Christmas trip, we passed this same stretch of road just like every other trip home. Each time, I would wait for that spot, knowing exactly where my mom had placed the wooden cross with flowers. This year, however, the cross isn't there. Not because she didn't place it there, but because they are transforming this two lane highway into four lanes. That little hill that was once an important landmark has now been flattened. My first thought was that my father could have survived the accident 15 years ago if the road had been four lanes. But my second thought turned to the wooden cross that typically adorned that site. Perhaps she will find a new site once the construction is done, but if not, we'll know. We'll always know that stretch of road like the backs of our hands no matter how many lanes there are. I simply pray that the new construction will make that road safer for those still to come. No other 15 year old girl should have to deal with that same loss.

As you can see, there are many changes going on around me, but they aren't in the areas I had necessarily planned - a new home, new babies, new pathways. While these changes may bring with them some anxiety, some jealousy and some grieving for the way things were, I can't help but think of the new memories, new opportunities, new blessings and new security they bring with them. Perhaps Brad and I will be blessed by the adage "new house, new baby." But if not, I'm sure we'll find plenty of new challenges to occupy our time in our new residence.

Happy New Year!

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