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Brenda's TTC Journal

Entry #12 ~ March 19, 2003
~ Spring Has Sprung . . . dedicated to Chelsey and Emily

I didn't know I could enjoy watching flowers come up in front of my house as much as I do! We made the move in February and we have loved every minute of owning our very first home. We have really enjoyed having friends and family over to show off what we have finished unpacking so far. I had hoped to be further along with the unpacking by now, but my work schedule has me a bit sidetracked. That is also the reason I haven't spent the time in my journal like I wish I had. Hope you didn't give up on me!

As the season changes, I feel like we are starting a new chapter in our lives. The weather has turned warmer, the daylight is staying longer, we have a new home to celebrate, my work situation just got a lot better, and we both have birthdays coming up soon! I am in the midst of training a new administrative assistant at work, but I have such high hopes that she'll be perfect here in my office. The last employee was a bit of a thorn in my side and it is so nice to be rid of that stress. I set a new record for my longest cycle ever last month. I think the stress of moving and working really got to me and my cycle was about 16 days longer than normal! I also had the opportunity to lead worship at a women's retreat in February and it was so wonderful. I was able to see some very dear friends from high school and catch up on their lives.

With this renewed energy we are also looking forward to getting back on track with our efforts to conceive. We are currently waiting to hear from Brad's urologist about his medicine. Our insurance stopped paying for his clomid so we are waiting to hear if we will try a new medicine or get the current prescription approved by our insurance. However, if we wind up having to pay for it, we believe it would be worth the investment. We meet with our fertility specialist on March 25 to consult about an IUI (intrauterine insemination). Although the success rate is not high with circumstances like ours, we really feel like it would be a good option for us. It should optimize our chances of getting pregnant through timing at least and it is not nearly as expensive as other forms of assisted reproduction. I am a bit concerned that our doctor will not want to do the IUI. He has said before that Brad's sperm count should be at least 10 million before we move forward and the highest count has only been 7 million. I know our doctor is trying to be very realistic with us, but in some ways I feel like he's not necessarily being as supportive as we need him to be. He is supposed to be working with us and for us. So we will be anxious to get his opinion next week, but we may also consider seeing another specialist if he is not ready to support our decision. The negative side to this option is that the only other specialists covered by our insurance are 2 hours away. We will have to take the travel into account if we choose to take this step.

Perhaps the Spring has made me "twitterpated" but I feel it is the right time to move forward in this journey we are on. We will face the roadblocks as they come. I feared that we would feel defeated by now and ready to admit we were licked. If anything, we have once again renewed our desire for each other and for a family. (Sorry, was that an overshare?) The last few months have left me feeling a bit frail. I have been reacting more strongly than usual to babies, pregnant women, and unsolicited inquiries about our parental status. I find myself wanting to open up more to people, but afraid at the same time of the "advice" that will follow or that I will make them uncomfortable. Not everyone wants to know about my husband's sperm count or my ovulation date! But I'm feeling a little bit more like "myself" lately and I'm reminded that it really is good to be me.

I have a couple of very busy weeks coming up and I'm looking forward to having them done! I'll be travelling two weeks in a row for work so I will only be able to see Brad about two days out of ten. If you ever learn anything about me through these journals, I hope that you can comprehend just how much I love this man and how much I love to be with him. I don't do very well having to travel without him just simply because our lives are so entwined. I hope and pray that each and every person that reads this will get to experience love like this for yourselves. I am so blessed that I almost feel greedy asking for more out of this life. But I can't help but think that just like the hearty, fertile earth puts forth life and bounty, the strong bond that Brad and I share was also meant to create and sustain new life.

As a final note, I'd like to thank Emily (you know who you are) for sharing such wonderful and encouraging words with me recently. In a brief instant, you helped me believe in myself again. I'd also like to thank Chelsey for her constant support. May this journey bring you a blessing and treasures from the trials.

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