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Brenda's TTC Journal

Entry #8 ~ August 29, 2002
~ Laughter Through Tears

I'm sorry it's been so long since my last update but I wanted to wait until our next appointment to be able to share with you all. I'm so happy to announce that things have actually improved!

Brad's first analysis was in May. Three months after the surgery, there had been no change in his sperm count. It was still at two million. Then there was yesterday! The urologist came into the room and announced that we were at SEVEN MILLION!!! We were so excited to hear that! That means his count has tripled since May! We know that his total count is still way below normal but at least it's an improvement. His urologist thinks that the surgery was a success and that the numbers should keep improving. He prescribed clomid for Brad to take until November. This will stimulate his hormones to create more sperm. The count is still too low to go for an IUI just yet, but maybe by November! A step in the right direction, can you believe that? We're trying to keep our emotions in check because we have no idea what the results in November could actually hold. But I think we'll allow ourselves this victory for a little while!

This news could not have come at a better time or at a worse time. Personally, I was reaching the end of my rope. I had convinced myself that we probably aren't going to have children so I might as well get used to it. Surprisingly, it wasn't all that hard to find a peace with that resolution so I decided that God must have been preparing me for this all along. Then we get news of improvement! News of hope! Now I must admit I'm back at square one with every hope in the world that we can make the baby of our dreams. But I'm sure the reality will continue to seep in over the next few cycles before the next sperm analysis for Brad.

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It is also sometimes hard to receive and celebrate good news when your loved ones around you are hurting. I have two friends who have lost babies in the last two weeks and I just ache for them. I feel guilty having such peace and hope when they would give anything for that in their world. How do I share a piece of mine with them? How do I comfort such a loss? I'm still searching for those answers.

Even with such encouraging news for us, I have a very big day looming before me. In September Brad and I will celebrate our tenth wedding anniversary. Ten years ago, I would have never imagined us celebrating this anniversary without having to find a babysitter for our children. I tried for a long time to not put "time limits" on our efforts to conceive. I tried not to think ahead about how my due date could be Christmas or my mom's birthday. But I let this one get to me. Thirty years ago in September, my parents celebrated their seventh wedding anniversary with the joy of knowing I was on the way! What a gift! I kept thinking to myself how cool it would be to announce my pregnancy exactly 30 years after my own mother announced her pregnancy with me. But it wasn't meant to be.

What a journey I've been on over the last 10 months and I still don't know where it's leading! I've enjoyed my summer though. It came with the very nice perk of being so busy we hardly had time to think about getting pregnant! But now, you see, I feel we are rounding a bend in the road and I'm not quite sure what's lurking there. We are once again up against those days that we never thought would be childless. People sometimes ask how we are doing or how we are "handling" things. These are great questions because I know people care about us so much. But I have a great answer for them this year. How do I deal? I get my wonderful husband to take me out to a big fancy dinner for our anniversary . . .and we don't even have to call a babysitter!

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