Entry #9 ~ October 27, 2002
I can honestly say that during the whole time we have tried to conceive, I have tried to avoid "fits" of
hypersensitivity or overreaction to comments about our childlessness, pregnancy announcements, and unsolicited tidbits of advice. However, I can also honestly say that my ability to get a grip on such things comes and goes in waves. I am currently riding the valley of that wave.
A woman in my building was discussing her daughter's obsession with a new cartoon she just bought. Trying to include me in the discussion, she asked if I had children. When I politely informed her, "Not yet," she then replied, "Oh, then you wouldn't understand."
As if I have never been around a child or couldn't possibly understand child behavior without giving birth. The other day a man was asking us about our reproductive status. When we reminded him that it was taking a while because of some problems, his witty
remark was "Are you shooting blanks?" Let me be perfectly clear. These are not appropriate comments to make to anyone whether they have 10 children or none. I have often thought that I was just overly sensitive about such statements or questions because
of our situation, and that could be the case. I remind myself that it may be hard for people to understand unless they have truly been there.
I feel the need to make a plea on behalf of the reproductively challenged to those who have been blessed with a different lot, so please bear with me. It is very likely that we have heard every remedy, suggestion, comment and advisory that we need to hear. Most of us have even tried to "relax, and not think about it so much," we have tried standing and on our heads for 30 minutes, and yes, most of us already have our men in boxers. However, we have found that relaxing doesn't cure the very real physical problem causing our infertility. We are also genuinely thrilled when you announce that you are pregnant because we completely understand what it means to you!
But please don't be too offended when we need to avoid a baby shower here and there or we just aren't able to choke back the tears as you sway with your precious bundle while we talk.
I have some very dear friends who are blessed with pregnancies right now after difficult journeys. I pray for those babies and those mommies every day because I fully understand that a miracle has occurred in their life and I am so thankful that they can experience this. But I would be lying if I, or anyone else in my shoes, didn't admit that in the back of my head there isn't a little voice asking "When is it my turn?" I can admit that with confidence, because just about every pregnant person I know right now would tell me they have said it themselves. But I also hope they understand when women like me need time to adjust, time to truly get a grip on the jealousy and
time to pray for the day when it will be my turn. So I don't say these things to upset anyone or to make anyone feel bad. If you are pregnant or already have your children, I completely understand that it is not your fault that I'm not pregnant. I just felt it was my duty to raise a little awareness today - for myself as well as others. (If I had just paid attention to where I was sitting in church today, I would not have found myself next to the pregnant lady and you would not have to be reading all of this right now! ) But just as I have friends currently blessed with pregnancies, I also have friends who are hurting and may even feel a little empty inside that it's not their turn yet and I am mindful of them as I write this.
Brad goes back to the urologist November 27 and we are praying for more good news. If his count has improved again, we may begin discussing IUI. If it has not improved, we will have other options we may need to discuss. I will be sure to give you an update as soon as we know more. In the meantime, keep us in your thoughts and prayers. As you can tell, things are beginning to wear us a little thin. We've held on tight during this ride for the last 5 years and our guard is a little weary; our hearts are a little tender. I'm currently praying for God to once again rebuild that armor or to reveal why it's fallen apart.
I want to leave you with a few thoughts. Since Brad and I both sing, music is a huge part of our lives. I often find that lyrics to a song can pinpoint my emotions better than anything. A few weeks ago, my brother sang a song in church that happens to be one of my favorites. As hard as I tried to hold them back, the tears came anyway as Brad held me as tight as possible. Perhaps these words can help express my feelings right now. "Pain . . . the gift nobody longs for, still it comes. And somehow leaves us stronger when it's gone away. Pray...I try and pray for your will to be done. But I confess it's never fast enough for me, it seems. The hardest part is waiting on You,
and what I really want, is just to see Your hand move. I want a peace beyond my understanding, I want to feel it fall like rain in my middle of my hurting. I want to feel Your arms as they surround me. And let me know that it's ok, to be here in this place, resting in the peace that only comes...in the waiting." ~Lyrics by Greg Long