Week 20 ~ November 2, 2002
~ I'm too old to do this!
The spotting went away after spending one evening as a sofa princess. I think I have just been doing too much lately. I will admit I am not taking as good of care of myself as I did when I was pregnant with Maddie. Even though I was working full-time and traveling a ton then, I was able to rest when I needed to. I'm not drinking as much water as I should be, I've haven't been eating well either. I can't tell you how many times I've just eaten cereal for dinner because I've been too tired to cook anything. The list goes on. My goal for the second half of the pregnancy is to try and take a little better care of myself and this baby!!
This has been one long week! Tom was traveling for most of the week. I actually had a meltdown five minutes before he needed to leave for the airport Sunday night. I don't know what came over me; I was just so sad that he was leaving and feeling very vulnerable. I'm sure it didn't help that I was tired from being up until midnight the night before entertaining friends and we also had just gotten back from Providence where we spent the day with Tom's family.
Tuesday morning was really rough. Maddie wasn't herself at all. I actually had to hold her in my lap while I dried my hair and tried to put on a little makeup. She's been fussy on and off lately, and I thought it might be those darn two year molars coming in, but Wednesday night, she woke up at 4:30 am screaming and soaking wet. She had a really high fever and just wanted to be held. I couldn't get her back to sleep, so you can imagine how exhausted I was. Finally, by 8:30 am, I couldn't keep my eyes open and absolutely had to rest, and I knew she needed the sleep too, so I convinced her to lay down with me in our bed. This is the first time that she's actually napped this way with me since I stopped nursing her when she was a year old. We napped together on and off this way for about two hours. I miss snuggling up to her and waking up with her. She felt much better after her nap. She climbed up on top of me, gave me the sweetest little smile and kissed me on the mouth, and then said, "kiss." What a way to wake up! She took four-hour long nap that afternoon in her crib. I took advantage of it and slept then too.
But I have to tell you, just that one very rough day made me want to reconsider what I've got myself into! We're heading into cold and flu season and Maddie was sick quite a bit last winter. I'm just dreading her first major cold of the season. When babies are sick, it's not only hard on them, but it's hard on the mommies and daddies too. Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones. I don't know, but I'm really afraid that I won't have the energy and patience to do this all over again with another baby. I'm really proud of the little girl Maddie is becoming, and I'd like to think I have had a lot to do with how secure, confident and loving she is. I'm afraid I won't be able to do as well with this second baby. I'm absolutely exhausted now. Emotionally and physically. I just feel drained. Poor Tom, I'm afraid there's not much energy left for him either, and I know he's feeling neglected.
I'm sure it hasn't helped that I just gave him this huge 'honey-do' list. As if he doesn't work hard enough! I want to get the baby's room ready soon. I have some ambitious plans for her nursery and we should get started. I don't want to wait until the last minute. Right now, the nursery is a guestroom and Tom has a million books in the closet that all need to be cleaned out. I'd love for him to put up a chair-rail so I can paint below it and do a free-hand border above the rail. So much to do. So little time. So little energy.
What happened to that huge burst of energy I felt earlier? I want that energy back!! Maybe if I start eating better and drinking more water it will help. I hope so. I'm feeling pretty pathetic right now.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot. There is a bright spot in this entry. We're half way there already. Woo hoo. Time to celebrate. Well, maybe I'll just take a nap instead.