Week 31 ~ January 19, 2003
~ Feeling introspective
Have you ever stopped to think about what an incredible miracle giving birth to a child is? It's really overwhelming. When you're pregnant, particularly with your first, you're filled with excitement, anxiety of the baby's health and just in general a whole lot of questions about what is happening to your body. There are so many symptoms that I've just completely dismissed this time around having been through this before. I will say though, in the back of my mind, always, I am thinking and praying that this baby is healthy. I tell myself, I'll feel better once I've delivered her and I can hold her in my arms and count those fingers and toes. The reality is that you never, ever stop worrying about your baby. I've just accepted that worrying is what moms do. It's our job.
I've been thinking a lot about a friend that just lost her baby at 30 weeks just a week ago. It's so hard to understand why these things happen. Her doctors don't know exactly why it happened, although it appears as though her placenta ruptured gradually. She has two beautiful daughters, so there's really no reason to think that she can't have a third if she and her husband decide at some point they want to try again. I hope she does; she's a wonderful mommy. Through her loss, it's made me so much more appreciative of Maddie and the growing baby in my tummy. You never really know what life has in store for you.
I think in the back of my mind that's why I secretly procrastinate buying things for the baby. In a way, I think it's a coping mechanism. If I don't set up the nursery, I'm not really acknowledging that I'm having another child. Stupid reasoning, eh? Well, physically it's pretty darn obvious at this point that I'm expecting, but mentally and emotionally I keep myself guarded. I did this when I was pregnant with Maddie too. I waited for the longest time to buy ANYTHING for her. It's not the best way to begin a new life, but it's a way of protecting myself from all of the things that can and do happen. Tom and I miscarried twins before we got pregnant with Maddie, but that was so early. Losing a child this late in pregnancy would just be so devastating. My heart just aches for anyone that has experienced a loss like this.
Well, Tom sure isn't procrastinating. In fact, he's made great progress on his honey-do list! I think I mentioned that he finally painted the baby's room. Well, he's upstairs painting Maddie's room now! He asked me at lunch today if there was anything else he needed to accomplish before the baby was born. (I'm snickering at his question!) Can you believe he actually asked me that? Like I'm going to say, "Oh, no, honey! You've done plenty!!" Ha! I'm sure I can come up with a handful of other things that I can use his help with!
I'm not suppose to be talking about this now, and if Tom decides to check up on my journal I'll be in big trouble, but there's a good chance he's going to be switching jobs. The good news is that he'll get a generous bump in compensation as a result, but the bad news is that his commute will be long (close to an hour) and he'll be working more hours than he already does. The timing of these things is never good, is it? I remember when Maddie was just two weeks old, he was in negotiations with his company for another role that involved relocating across the country. Things always have a way of working out one way or another, so I'm trying not to worry too much about what will happen. If he does accept this new role, it's only because he's trying to make our life the best he can by providing financially for us.