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Bridget's Pregnancy Journal

Weeks 22 and 23
~ Cranky & Irrational

Ahhhh, silence. It's Sunday morning and Tom took the girls out for the morning. He's really great about taking over on the weekends. He's been traveling a ton lately and by the time the weekend rolls around, I am ready for a break.

I'm so behind on my journal - I'm so sorry. My mom was here for two weeks and I thought I would have time to write, but I found myself either needing to nap or just wanting to be with her. She had back surgery in February but she is still in a lot of pain. She was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis right after Maddie was born and the disease is progressively getting worse. She walks with a very pronounced limp (she needs a cane now) and her right hand is practically useless. The last time she saw the girls was last Christmas. We kept scheduling trips but we'd end up canceling them because of her back.

It was very emotional having her here, realizing that she may not be able to travel too much longer. Maddie was so sweet with her. She would offer her hand to help her walk or offer to carry something for her. She would climb onto the sofa with a book and just sit there for an hour at a time listening to my mom read her stories. Maddie was so appreciative that Grammy made the trip to see her and told her that while she was here.

The day she left was so sad. Maddie ran into her arms and burst into tears. That just made me and my mom cry too. I just hate it that we live so far away.

Part of the free time that I have to write has been spent doing research for my mom. She doesn't have a computer and we've been trying to find her a new neurosurgeon, and new MS neurologist and a new pain management doctor. I've also been trying to research other types of therapies and drugs for her to try.

So, here I am with a nice peaceful morning and I should be taking the time to recharge my own batteries. A nap sounds so nice.

I've always been pro-binkie, pro-swaddling, pro-white noise machines. Whatever it takes to help a baby sleep. Maddie used all those vices when she was little and just voluntarily gave up the binkie completely on her own around nine months. She still uses a white noise machine, heck, we all do! When Ally was born, I figured it would be just as easy weaning Ally from the binkie. ....not the case by a long shot!

She attached herself to this little tag blankie and her binkie and they have been inseparable since she was about 10 months old. She had a year long bout with ear infections that finally resulted in tubes being put in last November. Ya know, she's only had ONE ear infection since she got the tubes! Anyway, because she spent so much time being sick and on antibiotics, the binkie/blanket combo became such a huge source of comfort for her and I was in no hurry to take away the binkie. She can have her blankie until she's 20 if she wants. I don't care. The binkie was getting in the way. She was using it all-the-time. It was difficult to understand her when she would talk with it in her mouth. I tried limiting it to just nap and bedtime but she would just have these humongous meltdowns so this weekend I decided it was time. She's doing great without it at night (that's a surprise); it's during the day that we're having some issues. Yesterday was a long day. I freed myself up to just be available to comfort her when she was sad about her binkie being 'broken' (I snipped the tip of it) but it's hard to comfort a child that's wiggling and kicking up a storm. She's such a daddy's girl right now that he was able to comfort her better than I could.

I should be happy about that he can comfort her. I know it makes him feel good. My hormones and emotions aren't in check right now so I'm not feeling particularly rational. Yesterday during one of Ally's binkie rants, she was asking for her 'blue binkie.' She had several (I had snipped all of them) but the blue binkie was lost. She's a smart cookie. I'm sure she thought that if we found that binkie, it would be fully functional. So, I told Tom I was running to the store to buy a blue binkie just so I could snip and I give it to her. I thought that if she found that binkie and knew that it was broken too, she would stop asking for it. So, I took off for the store.

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Frankly, I needed to get out of the house and this was a wonderful excuse to be in the car - alone even for a little while. So, when I get back, Ally says, "Do you have my new binkie?" I asked Tom what he told her and he said that I went to the store to buy her a new binkie. OMG, I blew a fuse. He knew why I went to the store and he knew what I was planning to do with the binkie (as silly as it sounds) so why, oh why would he tell her that I was coming back with a new binkie? I could have killed him. Not over the binkie, but over the stupidity. I somehow dodged her question about where the new binkie was but by bedtime, she wanted that blue binkie. So, we went on a little search for it and "found it" broken, of course. She popped it in her mouth. Pulled it out and said, "Hmmm, that one is broken too." And that was that.

So, two things. A: What will I do when this little guy is finally here and has an intense need to suck and a binkie offers so much comfort? I already know the answer. I'll give him one and hope that weaning him from it won't be as painful. And probably more important, B: How do I get these crazy hormones in check so I'm not taking out all of my anger and frustration on my poor husband? He's a good sport about it really, but I feel bad. He doesn't deserve it. He's been through it two times before although he maintains that I was a complete angel when I was pregnant with Maddie. Hmmm, I don't remember. I do remember being a crazy, raving lunatic from time to time when I was pregnant with Ally.

I think I just need to get better about taking time for myself. I've always been someone who needs their space and quiet time. All of that just gets pushed to the wayside when you have children. Their needs come first and you don't even realize you've been neglecting yours until you start bubbling over. I also haven't been very good about pampering Tom. He's a great dad and a great husband and he works incredibly hard. He's been under a lot of stress at work and I know he needs a break, too. He's also just as needy as the girls are when it comes to attention and affection. Ugh.

All of this venting has made me very sleepy. I figure I've got a good two hours before they come back. That's just enough time to take a nice, warm bath, put some comfy clothes on and crawl into bed for nap. Maybe I'll have a better attitude when I wake up. I'm sure that's what Tom is hoping!

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