Second Trimester Thoughts, Part 2
~ Worries and Going Back to Work
Lately, it seems that all I do is worry. You name it, and I worry about it. This week it's been daycare for the baby. I know I have to go back to work after the birth, though I don't want to. Unless something major happens such as Jerry making double the money he's making or some sort of miracle, then I have no choice but to go back. I have tried not to think about it. Just the thought of sending my baby to some nursery school to be cared for by others who can't possibly love him/her as I do breaks my heart. If only I could stay home for one year, I would be happy. Or even if I had someone like a mother or close friend who could watch the baby...my baby....and only my baby, that would make me feel better. Times like these I become weepy and cry over the fact that my mother is no longer alive. How I miss her. How sad I am that she's never met her grandchildren. I have no one else to help me. Jerry's mother lives out of state, so she can't. I feel so alone. Well, sad or not, I still have to do what I have to do ~ and that is finding the right daycare provider. I'm shopping around as though I'm looking for a home, or a car, or even medical service.
My job doesn't provide typical maternity leave. They don't differentiate from medical leave. Medical leave is six weeks. Do you hear me, six lousy weeks! No concern for the welfare of the baby. Who wants to leave their baby with strangers at six weeks old?! Those first six weeks are going to fly by so quickly and it'll be like I was never home. For this reason, I'm seriously, secretly hoping that I'll have to have a c-section. Now tell me that's not warped thinking! Who in their right mind would want a major operation when they don't have to have one? I've never had a section, so chances are I won't need one this time. I should be thankful for that, and I am. It's just that I want more time home with my baby.
The baby's due October 20, therefore I would have to return back to work around the first of December. I don't want to do that. The daycare centers I've been talking to are all closed for TWO weeks in December anyway, so what am I supposed to do then? I have absolutely no one who can help me out. Therefore, I prefer to return to work at the first of the year. That would be so much easier, plus give me more than two months home with my baby. I'm going to check into the Family Leave Act, or whatever it's called that Clinton instituted. I'm not familiar with it but I need to know my rights. It's my understanding that most people have a three month maternity leave. I don't know.
And then I worry about this . . . what would happen if the doctor ends up putting me on bedrest, or wants me to stop working before the 40th week? That would mean that this is when my so-called medical leave would begin rather than when the baby is born. I don't know. Just so much to worry about. I worried so much about this earlier in the week that I actually began to panic!
I've also had some other crazy worries. Why do I keep thinking that something will happen to Jerry? I've had weird dreams such as he has died! This is so scary! Talking about weird dreams, I also had one where I delivered the baby and we didn't have anything ready ~ very little clothes and supplies for the baby. We were totally unprepared.
The baby is very active. It's getting so that I'm awakened in the middle of the night from all of his activity. I wake up and he's kicking up a storm.....and then I'm HUNGRY! The other night/morning (2 a.m.), I wanted PANCAKES! Boy, the more the baby kicked, the more I wanted pancakes. The only thing that stopped me from whipping up a batch was the fact that I didn't feel like cleaning up afterwards!
Finally, we heard the baby's heart beat! Last month was the ultrasound, so we saw it. The month before that, we couldn't detect it. Baby's heart rate was 163. It sounded so melodic! Oh, what a wonderful feeling to hear my sweet baby. I didn't want the nurse to remove the Doppler. I could've laid there all day just listening to my baby.