~ Contractions and Pressure
Count down begins. If I make it to the due date, I only have nine weeks to go. However, I've been looking at it like this. You're considered at term by the 36th week, therefore, that means I can count down to five weeks! Wow....that's not much time left. I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed and have actually panicked a couple of times just thinking about how close I'm getting. And then there's other times when I feel as though the weeks are dragging on forever.
How do I feel? Physically, I began having cramps and feelings of pressure in my lower back and vagina last Tuesday. I called the doctor because they felt like menstrual cramps. I don't remember feeling this way the last times except when I was in actual labor. He had me come in to do an internal exam. There was no dilation (thank God). The baby's heart beat was good and strong. So, he told me to call him back if the cramping gets worse. The thing is, I've been feeling the contractions since that time and don't have enough sense to know if they're "worse." That's what frightens me. I can feel my uterus tightening and pressing down. I still feel the mild menstrual cramps. And the pressure in my back is unnerving. I even get pains in the vagina. Now THAT I don't understand and find it difficult to walk at times. The other day I was sitting at home in bed. Jerry was also there watching television. All of a sudden I felt the contraction. It began from the top of my uterus, worked its way down, and BANG! I screamed because there was this sudden pain in the vagina! It scared me and virtually knocked me over!
Last night I had an active bout of the contractions and some even forced me to not be able to talk through them. I was reaching for Jerry's hand (I just wanted to squeeze something), and he had flashbacks of when I was in labor with little Jerry. He says that I almost broke his hand! (smile) He knows he needs to cut that out. He's so crazy! But he seriously says that I hurt him. Huh! I hurt HIM! I wonder what he thinks that I was feeling?! MEN!
The contractions aren't regular or in any pattern. I have tried to time them, but they're so sporadic. I've had an active bout today at work. I'm so glad that Ms. Oliver wasn't in today because it was showing on my face. She would've been worried.
I've gone from the tired state, to a burst of energy, and now back to being totally exhausted again. I tell you, I'm so afraid that I won't be able to make it all the way. It's
getting harder and harder for me to get out of bed every morning and drag myself in. I'm ALWAYS sleepy. In fact, I sat at my desk and actually dosed off today. I can't
believe it. I didn't want to snooze, but I couldn't help it. It was as though I had absolutely no control. I'm thankful I wasn't driving then. I decided not to fight it, for it was useless anyway. This is getting to be ridiculous. How can I make it? I'm so tired. I drag around because it is almost painful to walk. Between the little pains and sensations in the vagina, to the sore hips and legs . . ..I feel like a big fat penguin! Oh, and get this. I went to a wedding Saturday and as I jumped into my shoes, I discovered that I couldn't wear them! My feet were swollen! I had to wear my old trusty flat, yet comfortable shoes I wear everyday. My foot (particularly the right one) looks like a biscuit! My fingers also swell from time to time.
I want to work as long as possible, for I prefer to have more time off when the baby's born. But, it's getting to be so difficult. And there is so much to do at work. I'm trying my best to get the office together, but things just keep coming up! It's always something. It never ends. And what's worse is that I CAN'T CONCENTRATE. I'm trying to, but my mind is like mush. All I think about is the baby, will he/she be healthy, will the delivery be good, and all of the things I need to do before the birth. Yes, I still worry about the baby. I can't deal with it if something goes wrong. I won't be able to relax until I'm holding my baby in my hands.
I'm tired and am ready to have this baby, yet I'm not because I know it's too early. So, I'm worried about all of these contractions I'm feeling. I can't imagine feeling them for another 6 - 9 weeks! But what if this means that my baby will come early? I don't know if I can stand seeing the baby all hooked up to tubes and monitors. That would break my heart. He/she would be so small now. Will they be able to survive?
Oh, Lord help me because I'm totally out of my mind right now. I want everything to be okay. I want my baby....safe and healthy.