~ The word for the week - complain!
It seems that all I do now is complain. I'm miserable and want
this baby to be born soon. Though I know, as the doctor said,
that we don't want the baby to come just yet. He'd like to see
the baby stay put for at least three more weeks. I understand this and want the best possible outcome as well, but I'm just so
tired. The contractions and cramping doesn't help. Maybe if I didn't have so many of them, I wouldn't be so anxious. There is no regularity to them, but often it's quite painful, and there are times when I have to stop what I'm doing until it passes.
I'm tired of working. Every day it's harder and harder for me to bring myself there. Once there, all I want is to go home and lay down. I'm tired and can't seem to say that enough. My ankles and feet swell. It's more difficult to walk. My butt hurts, my inner thighs hurt, and even there's pain in my crotch area. I'm just a mess! Oh, and let's not talk about how my back aches terribly every day, mostly by afternoon, and I can't get comfortable. My chair at work is supposed to be an ergonomics chair, but it hasn't helped me one bit. And though I'm a secretary, I do a lot of running around. I'm not constantly sitting at my desk, and the work load hasn't lightened any. Sometimes I feel as though I'm thought of as a robot. I wish I were a robot and then maybe I could re-program my brain for I swear I've become brain dead! I can't concentrate. I can't think. I just feel as though my brain is like mush. I'm totally focused on the baby, delivery, all that my body is going through, and all the stuff I have to do before baby comes.
I talked with my doctor about me stopping work. He said that he'll do the paperwork at my next visit (in 2 weeks). I'll be 36 weeks then, which is at the ninth month. However, I worry about my "time." Meaning, will this mean less time away from work when the baby comes? I want at least 12 weeks at home with the baby. I don't think that's too much to ask. All I know is that I definitely cannot and will not return after only six weeks. This is the allotted time that the company and insurance will pay, unless there's something's wrong. I definitely do not want anything to be wrong. But, I'm not even below the idea of having a c-section . . . then I'll have two more weeks of paid leave. However, who wants surgery when they don't need it? All of my children have been born vaginally, and it's an experience I won't trade for anything. So, it's only my desperation and brain deadness that is even contemplating a section. I know that I truly want one only if it's medically necessary to save the life of the baby. Whatever it takes to get my baby here is what I want. So, back to square one. I know that all of this running
isn't good for me now. I'm convinced that's why I'm having so much cramping. I can't lie down when I want. Can't rest when I want. And again, I'm exhausted. I feel that if I keep this pace up until the baby comes, I will NEVER have any rest. I know that I'll need all of my energy for then. I don't want to be run down when the baby comes. Therefore, I still want some time off before the birth. Yet, the question remains, how will this effect my "time" when the baby does come? Is it selfish of me to want to rest? Is it wrong of me? Lazy? God, I'm so confused and TIRED!
I had a terrible doctor's appointment this week. I got sick and almost passed out when he was trying to do an ultrasound. I was so embarrassed. I kept apologizing, and they kept telling me to stop it. I felt so bad about it. He couldn't complete the ultrasound, so I'm hoping he'll try again next appointment. I'm still adamant about not knowing the sex of the baby though. Who knows, maybe this was God's way of letting me not know. Well, as long as the baby is healthy, I'm okay with that. I do trust God and believe that all will be all right.
I begin childbirth classes this coming week. I'm really looking forward to it. The only thing I'm sad about is that Jerry won't be able to go. He's back in school and has classes on the nights of these classes.
My belly continues to grow. I can't believe how huge it is. I wonder if this means that the baby will be larger than Tiff and Jerry. They were 5 and 6 pounds, and I never "showed" with them.
Oh, I think that the family is going to give me a shower. They're acting weird. I was at Karen's house yesterday and as I was leaving mentioned that I was on my way to Toys R Us to purchase a car seat. She asked, "why are you buying a car seat?" I thought that was a crazy question. I said, "because I need one." She admonished me and told me NOT to buy one. If I just had to buy something, buy diapers or something for myself. Also, she's been calling for Jerry and she never does that. He doesn't say anything about it, so this is very weird. Well, I bought some other stuff for the baby.
I sorted everything out last night that I have so far. I want to wash everything, so I bought both Dreft and Ivory Snow. I organized everything putting them in drawers. Well, you know, as MUCH as I thought I had, I see that it's not quite enough. If the baby were to come today or tomorrow, I have enough things that will keep us for a few days. I have PLENTY of diapers though. I have cloth and disposable. I've been stocking up on the disposable. I counted almost 200 diapers now, so we're set in that area. Next diapers I buy will be the next size. I'd hate to think that I have all of these diapers and the baby is too big for them or outgrows them quickly.
I still need to buy Q-tips, Vaseline, powder, alcohol, etc. I have cotton balls, baby shampoo, baby wash, and even baby soap. I also bought a huge box of baby wipes. I need more undershirts. I thought I had enough of those, but when sorting it all out, I only see that I have about six. It'll still be hot here when the baby comes, and we have no air conditioning, so I'll need more of those. I also only have two receiving blankets. I guess I better get at least two more of those.
Well, I guess that's enough rambling for now. Word for this week is COMPLAIN! Hopefully next week, I'll have a better one.