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Carla's pregnancy journal

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Jerry and I have will be celebrating our 15th year anniversary on October 23. How we celebrate it is the question. Our baby is due on October 20 <g>. And, to make it even more interesting, MY birthday is October 21. What an exciting week that'll be! I'll be turning 36 years old. Yes, it'll be really interesting . . . me being an old lady now.

We have two children ~ Jerry Jr., 12, and Tiffanie, 10. This pregnancy is like starting over from scratch. Though there are familiarities, it's still all new to me. Why the long wait from Tiffanie (whom I lovingly call "my baby")? Well, EVERYONE asks me that, never once considering that the wait wasn't intentional on our part. Not that this baby was a "mistake" (oh, how I hate that label), or not wanted. Nothing could be further from the truth. It's just that this is God's design. Since Tiff was a year old, I have NOT used any birth control. It was then that we wanted to try again. Then, I was 26 years old too, and was hoping to complete our family by age 30. I've always wanted four children and thought that it could be done by 30. After all, Tiff and Jerry are only 19 months apart. Well, it didn't work out that way. We were doing what was necessary to get pregnant, but it just didn't happen. After a while, I simply stopped focusing on becoming pregnant and began to simply appreciate the intimacy that my husband and I shared. This is how it should be, in my opinion. If and when God was ready, we would conceive again. And even if we didn't, that was fine too because I was/am very happy with the two children He's already given us. I am so thankful for them. And as my husband always says, we have a "pair."

In April of 1994, I discovered that I was actually pregnant again. Oh what joy and happiness we BOTH felt! We were so thrilled. I remember my first doctor's appointment to confirm the pregnancy. Once again, I felt all of the excitement of a new baby in our lives. And from early on, Jerry took an active role in the pregnancy. He even inquired early on about names. Well, we decided on the name "Nia-Imani" (somehow, from the beginning I just knew that this baby was a girl). These are Swahili words, and Nia means "purpose," and Imani means "faith." It felt so right because again from early on, even God actively spoke within my spirit letting me know that this baby had a special purpose. It's hard to explain God's voice speaking to me, so I don't try to. Just trust me; it was God and I was never so sure about anything in my life. He just kept telling me that the baby had a special purpose. Therefore, we decided that the baby's name would have to reveal that. The "faith" came in because I never lost faith in God.

There were no problems at all with the pregnancy. I don't even recall having morning sickness. Before I made it back to my first prenatal visit at 10 weeks, I lost the baby. I can't begin to tell you the turmoil and pain that I endured from the miscarriage. I couldn't believe that I lost my baby! I'd never had any problems with my first two pregnancies. Everything went along very smoothly. And how could I lose this baby, after all, wasn't God telling me that she had a special purpose? I was angry. I was hurt. I even slumped into a depression. I actually wanted to die and couldn't understand why God just didn't take me as well. I didn't feel as though I could live, or carry on after losing the baby.

It was the faces and voices of Tiff and Jerry Jr. that helped snap me out of the depression. And again the voice of God that reminded me that I had to live for them! They needed me. They loved me. And most of all, I loved them. He was so right.

I eventually pulled myself out of the depression and even to this day, I am still being fed very small fragments of the purpose of my lost baby's life. I am constantly discovering that she did indeed serve a purpose. And I rest comfortably knowing that she is in heaven, at peace, with God.

For a short period of time, we used condoms and foams as birth control. It took awhile for me to feel comfortable and ready to get pregnant again. I never feared that I would be replacing a new baby with the lost baby, but I just did not feel ready myself to go through another possible miscarriage. It was just too much for me to even fathom. Well, somehow and eventually, we stopped using the condoms/forms. It's been three years, and we never consciously planned on another pregnancy (though we weren't NOT trying to get pregnant), it happened. In late February, at the insistence of our clinic nurse at work, I took a pregnancy test in the infirmary. Well, for one thing, she told me that I "looked" pregnant, and I had been going up there complaining about nausea and fatigue. Still never even suspecting that I might be pregnant even though my period was two weeks late (this didn't shock me because my cycles have been irregular periodically throughout my menstrual life). At this time, I was EXTREMELY busy, so I thought perhaps that's what delayed my period.

Lo and behold, she called me and said that the test was positive. I was THRILLED! I called and made an appointment with the doctor, which wasn't an easy task. We're now on Jerry's HMO. I'd never used it, so I had to first go to the primary doctor who in turn had to refer me to the OB/GYN. After seeing the primary physician, I called to make the appointment with the OB. The receptionist told me that he wasn't taking new patients. I was devastated because I know several people who are his patients, and they all rave about how wonderful he is. I almost begged the lady to take me on, and they did. Once at the appointment, I was told that my case would now be referred to a doctor who specializes in high risk pregnancies. I am high risk because of my age for one thing, and then because of my hypertension and diabetes.

So, this will be the journey of my pregnancy. Let me say that for now, I am controlling the diabetes with diet. That's good. I have to admit that I'm not as perfect it as I should be, but I think I'm doing pretty good. Picking up with the last ten weeks with a few second trimester thoughts, join me on this incredible and blessed journey.

Pregnancy Week By Week Guide

second trimester thoughts, part 1 | return to Carla's main page

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