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Carrie's Pregnancy Journal

Week 22
~ An Especially Thought-Provoking Appointment

Well, I knew I was due to post on another week. And, I guess I've "dragged my feet" some. My biggest "news" relates, as usual, to our upcoming birth. I fear I'm boring everyone with my dialogues on this topic. But, it's such a huge issue for us. I was afraid if I wrote earlier, I would chatter on too much and that you'd all grow exasperated!

So... I decided I would simply keep it short!

I still have not "gotten around" to phoning the clinic to make a new appointment with the cesarean-pushing doctor we saw a couple of weeks ago. I wanted the results from the ultrasound exam. But, even that, wasn't enough of a motivator, somehow.

Several days ago, my husband said he didn't mind if I made an appointment with the midwife. She'd phoned me back, as promised, and I enjoyed our conversation immensely. It was enlightening and encouraging. Today was the day we went in to speak with her in person. The amazing thing was, she remembered us from when I was expecting Violet (the baby we lost two days after delivery). We'd phoned her for advice at one point during the birth (we were alone at home, after being released from the hospital during my stalled labor). That was seven years ago. She said she'd always wondered what had happened to us . . . The greatest irony is that this very week would have been Violet's seventh birthday (on February 17). It was somehow startling - as well as comforting - to find this "past connection" with this woman.

On leaving, I was filled to the brim with such a desire to again have a homebirth. There is dread, in comparison, in the idea of going in to the hospital. Even if we can locate a physician who will allow us to VBAC. I was surprised when, in a quieter moment, my husband suggested he might consider her for a homebirth, if the referrals she gave us "fall through". She gave us the names of some doctors we might meet with who are generally open to allowing prior cesarean moms a trial of labor. We decided, since my husband just put us on a health plan through his employer specifically for this pregnancy, to try them and see if we cannot find one to take us. Our thoughts are that there is always a chance something unexpected could happen that we would end up with both the exhorbitant insurance bill (it's incredible what it costs) as well as the midwife's expenses.

Ohhhh, but I want to stay home!!!

Also, as far as that ultrasound exam goes, I can sign a release of records for it to be sent to the midwife, if I wanted to. Or, directly to us on signed consent. Revolutionary! I don't need that other doctor, after all! - I should have known all this, before! So, I guess (since I said I was going to make this part of my "update" short, and I've already failed!) tomorrow I will begin seeing what I can do about making an appointment with one of the referred doctors.

I know I didn't write much about it the last few weeks, but I still have "morning sickness". It's not terrible, but there is always, always, always an "undercurrent" of it. It's an icky feeling, all day. But, it's never so bad I cannot carry on. The past couple days, things have worsened. As I write, my stomach is just turning. I'm a little concerned what that might mean for the last several months. I am only half way through. Is this going to be with me until this baby is born? Will it continue to worsen as the baby pushes upward, even farther? It's worse after lying down. I think my uterus "bumps" against my stomach, and makes things difficult. Oh, well. There is always a price to pay for something precious.

The baby moves so seldom! She's a very quiet baby, with a little "schedule" of her own, already. Outside of her usual "playtimes", she is even hard to "rouse"!

I mailed away our doppler to someone dear to me who is also expecting. I thought it might bring her some comfort and cheer to hear her baby's heart galloping away any time she began wondering if her little one was doing alright. No sooner, did I have an episode where I realized I hadn't felt our baby all day. I poked and prodded and bothered her to no end . . . with no results. I was feeling near tears, sure something was terribly wrong. I even considered calling my husband to come home from work and take me in to the emergency unit to have a check. Then . . . ever so slightly . . . there was movement. It was tiny. Barely anything. I wondered if I'd imagined it? -- So, poor baby got poked and prodded and pressed upon some more. Another small movement. Barely noticeable.

Since that day, I've learned that this is just "normal" for her. She is very quiet, so far, except during those two to three times she "plays". And, some days are busy. If I am upright and moving around a lot, I don't even notice her rolls and kicks too much. My mind is elsewhere. It isn't until I sit still that I think to feel for her, or do. Or maybe she senses my lack of activity, and wakes up because of it?

This past weekend, I got my first hard kick. It wasn't comfortable! But it was comforting! She's definitely growing! Normally I feel nice movements, but this one was an especially fierce one!

Not a day goes by that the children fail to question me about the baby. Particularly the four year old, Oliver. He's the most vocal! -- Lately, his greatest concern is that I eat, "so the baby eats, mom! She needs food!" Ollie will tell me to munch on this or that, because the baby would like it. At the same time . . . he's terribly confused about HOW that food GETS to the baby. I tried to explain that she gets "everything she needs through the cord I told you about." To which he replies, "Oh, eww! Mom, stop. That's not true! How does she really get her food?"

My six year old, Scarlet, says "goodnight" to the baby every night when I'm tucking the smaller children in bed for the evening.

The one and a half year old is already getting frustrated at my "shrinking lap". He fusses and presses in closer to me . . . it's terribly uncomfortable!

My thirteen year old, Rose, "scolds" me when she sees me carrying full baskets of laundry into the living room to fold. "Mom! You should have asked me to help you with that!"

All seven of the children are part of this pregnancy and this growing together. It's a blessing, and is making for some sweet - and funny - moments.

Well, until next week, I pray you all keep warm and well! God bless you and keep you!

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