Week 8 ~ March 23, 2004
~ Getting Real
I wish I were further along in the pregnancy. This past week, I've been thinking a lot about how I didn't even realize when my last pregnancy ended (and it was right around this time.) Through experience, I know that often we can't know what's happening to the baby inside us. Even so, I've been searching for signs that this pregnancy is here to stay, or not.
My morning sickness with this pregnancy hit pretty early, around 5 to 5 1/2 weeks, and I welcomed the miserable feeling. It's hard to imagine something's going wrong when you're struggling to keep food down. I changed a few of my habits, found some things to eat and drink that agree with me, and I seem to have gotten it under control now. But that scares me. Should I be feeling worse? But a wave of queasiness hits me every once in awhile. It's funny, because instead of being comforted, I still find reasons to worry.
I am tired. Oh, so tired. I used to stay up after Charon went to bed, to visit with Pete, watch a movie, or read a book. Now, I can't wait until bedtime, and I'm usually there by 9 p.m. I'm not sleeping very well, though, waking up a lot to use the bathroom. My stomach feels empty and uncomfortable at night, and then it's hard to go back to sleep.
I am doing a few things to help this pregnancy to feel more real to me. Writing this journal helps. We've also told many people about the pregnancy. After having the miscarriage, and sharing that with others, we know we'd share again with people if it happened again. Celebrating the pregnancy with them helps a bit.
A friend sent me her prenatal yoga DVD, and I've been sneaking that in a few times a week. I'm not doing the whole routine yet, just starting out slow. The meditation/relaxation time at the end is the best part. It's really good for me to work at letting myself relax, and I'm trying to visualize a strong, healthy baby growing inside of me.
Last week, I attended an Early Pregnancy Class at the hospital where I will probably give birth. It felt so good to sit down with a midwife and two other newly-expecting moms and talk about early pregnancy concerns, past experiences and our children. We filled out all of our preliminary forms, and got a packet of information, so it was sort of like a group first appointment. Inside our folders we discovered little knitted baby hats, made by some older women who donate them for the midwives to give out. "Is white okay?" the midwife asked me. I hesitated, thinking I should tell her to save it for someone else, as I wasn't confident I'd actually be having this baby. Then I changed my mind. "Yes!" My baby deserves a hat, and I am a mother to this little one already. I need to do what I can to help myself know that.
We took a tour of the maternity ward, the highlight of which was seeing the new waterbirth tub they installed just last year. It's in a corner room, and it's gorgeous. This midwife group strongly supports waterbirth, and I hope I get to use it this fall. What an awesome experience that would be.
With my last pregnancy, I bought a book, The Spirit of Pregnancy: An Interactive Anthology for Your Journey to Motherhood. It has stories, poems and essays by different writers about pregnancy and motherhood, with questions and a place to write your responses to the pieces. For some reason, I didn't start it last time. I've just taken it out now, and will work on the first one today.