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Week 9 ~ March 28, 2004
~ Signs of Spring
These days, the light comes into our bedroom window quite early, and Charon is waking up around 6:30 a.m. Thankfully, she is usually happy to sit in bed and chat with me while I eat my crackers and prepare my stomach for another day. I've been feeling a little yucky again, which is okay because it helps me believe this little one is growing well inside me.
One morning this week, Charon pulled up my pajama shirt to look at my belly. She pressed her soft, little hands gently against it, and said, "This is your womb, Mom? This is where the baby is?" I told her she was right, and she started chatting with the baby. "When you are crying, I will stay next to you," she reassured. "And you need to eat healthy foods. Not too much sugar." "Do you think it's a girl or a boy?" I asked her. She thought for a moment, seriously studying my belly. "I don't know," she decided. "I will name the baby Penguin."
I'm feeling better about the pregnancy this week. As the weather starts to tease us with its first warmer days, I start to feel more positive.
Friday was a beautiful day. Charon and I visited my sister, Katy, and my 14-month old nephew, Louis. He always reminds me of how much work a new baby will be, but also how many rewards they give. He is so busy, and it was fun to be at her house where everything is safe for him and set up for him. Their living room is now a playroom - I remember when that change happened in our household! Charon loved playing with his toys and singing to him. Katy and I decided there is something absolutely magical about the song, "Twinkle Twinkle." Louis was mesmerized when Charon sang it.
I got to swing him and talk with him while Katy took Charon on a nature walk through their backyard. They gathered some signs of spring together: sticks with buds, old, wet leaves, moss, some first green blades of grass. Charon was thrilled to spend time alone with her auntie - there haven't been as many opportunities for that since Louis came along. "You have a great back yard!" she told her. Katy loved the special time with Charon, too. I could see them from where we were swinging, and they both looked so full of life, finding joy and awe in the little bits of nature around them.
And of course, it was a joy for me to spend time with Louis, just the two of us. He figured out how to make my coat zipper go up and down, saw a broom on the deck and demanded that I use it, then noticed an umbrella and had me demonstrate that for him, too. He loved teasing me by pulling off his little hat. I'd make my eyes big and say, "Look at what you just did!" He laughed and laughed. He communicates so well, using a few words, but mostly his eyes, his face, and gestures.
I've needed a listener this week. I told Pete of my fears, my memories of the miscarriage, my cautious approach to this pregnancy. He listened to all of it, and then shared some of his own feelings. He said he was angry that I had to deal with these fears, that the miscarriage made me approach this pregnancy in a whole new way. He wished he could do something to reassure me and help me to just sit back and enjoy these early days. I wish he could, too, but the best he can do right now is just listen and let me talk about it, and he knows that.
There is a chapter in one of my books on miscarriage* about dealing with future pregnancies. I re-read it again this week, and it felt so good to see this in print: "Remember - and keep telling yourself - that although miscarriages are a common, natural event, 80% of all pregnancies do not end in miscarriage." We have a very good chance of seeing this pregnancy go to term.
I remember that when I was pregnant with Charon, I knew miscarriage was a possibility in the first three months. I knew about that 80% number, but I felt pretty confident that I'd be in that 80%. I felt the same way in the second pregnancy. After experiencing a miscarriage, it's nearly impossible to go back to that, "everything will probably be fine" attitude. And that's okay. The hardest part is figuring out how to avoid the, "I'm in that 20%" attitude. Yes, I was there. I may not be this time.
Sometimes we have no control over what happens. My job as a mother to this little one right now is to be patient, taking good care of myself so that my baby is cared for, too, during these incredible, mysterious first weeks.
* Miscarriage: Why It Happens and How Best to Reduce Your Risks by Henry M. Lerner
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