Week 39 ~ June 10, 2001
~ A better week, good news and birth ramblings
Tuesday, Jonathan and I went over to over at Amy's and her son and Jonathan played while we chatted. Jonathan and I had a wonderful time! Scott and I watched 1/2 of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon in the evening. David was here so he joined us. Scott said he needed to go to bed at some point halfway through, so he went to sleep and I worked on the computer. David finished watching the movie.
Wednesday, we had a maid service for the very first time! Scott knew that with my back problems, I wouldn't be able to clean all the things that I really wanted cleaned and so he set up for us to have a maid service. While it was so nice to have much accomplished quickly, I think I must've been expecting too much! I'm going to have to re-do a few things, like there is still cleaner in the oven, places that still need dusting, and the tops of the drains in the bathtubs weren't even touched. I'm still very grateful to have had so many tasks marked off the "wish list" that I would not be able to complete. It's a thrill to have our house so clean!!
Thursday my friend Cathi visited with her new baby. He is adorable and so handsome! It was so nice to chat with her. My midwife appointment was at 2:00 pm this week. I made it there, but was a little late. Everything is going great; Baby has switched to a posterior position so it looks like I'll be on my hands and knees a lot! Ack! Hopefully baby will turn back around soon and settle into a better position.
My brother left for the Army Thursday evening!!!!!!! I can't even believe it. He stayed Thursday night in a hotel that they specify so that he can leave early the next morning. This is the third time he has traveled to and stayed in the hotel, so we were hoping this time would be a go. I had been going back and forth about how I was feeling about if he again didn't get to leave. Part of me was feeling like such a jerk for even thinking of not letting him stay here and paying for him to stay in a hotel, a downward harsh guilt spiral. I guess because of the mentality I was raised around I was feeling like I was wrong or being horrid for not wanting him here. But then part of me was thinking I'd go bonkers if he did stay here, truly nuts. And then I was thinking that I should just trust that things would be okay and not worry so much . . .
Friday my dad called to say that David had called him from the airport. He was on his way to Oklahoma!!!!! I can't even begin to express the relief I felt. And then of course I also felt bad for ever thinking about the whole hotel thing . . . I think I am too hard on myself. Then, shortly after talking to my dad I felt very tired. Actually, now that I look back I was so tired that it now seems almost scary. I laid on my side and watched Jonathan playing. The next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes from being asleep. I felt terror and fear and all those things you can imagine when I realized my son wasn't in the room and I had been asleep! I jumped up (not good for a 39 week pregnant body by the way!) and ran out of the room. Jonathan was right there, playing with a bottle of liquid soap and rubbing it all over the floor and himself. I gave him a HUGE hug and took him quietly to rinse him off. There were two places on the carpet where there were liquid soap puddles. I cleaned those up the best I could and kept thanking God that nothing horrible happened. I can't believe I did that. After all was cleaned up, I couldn't find my glasses. I started crying and couldn't stop. I remembered my horrible dream from this morning. I had dreamt that Scott had passed on and I was thinking about how wonderful he is, as a father and husband, and those are just mere words but the feelings were so strong and intense. Scott really is an incredible husband and father, and I don't always appreciate him like I should. In the dream I couldn't stop crying. I felt the loss like it was ripping through my heart and soul. The pain of missing him and all the things I wish I would've said and done were so overwhelming. When I woke I felt extreme gratefulness for Scott, but also sorrow and grief from the dream remained. I kind of wonder if it was the stress from the week lifted, or the stress of the dream I had, or who knows why I was so tired . . . I just know now not to trust myself to lie down unless Scott is home too. I decided to call Scott, and I was crying. I doubt I was all that coherent. I asked told him what had happened and let him know I was still really tired and he said he'd come home so I could rest. He is so great. He arrived home around 1pm and I slept till 4 pm. I felt so much better when I woke.
In the evening, we went out to dinner and that was really a treat. We took it easy and rested and played with Jonathan. It's so nice to have a weekend without a long list of things to do.
Saturday we decided to stay home from childbirth class. Scott and I both just wanted to relax and take it easy. I was still feeling a little tired still and very crampy. We did manage to make it to the grocery store and Scott mowed the lawn in the evening. I spent much of the day leaned over the birth ball (modified hands and knees position, more comfy than actually being on my hands and knees!) and lying on my left side. Scott made dinner and we again had a relaxing evening.
Sunday we set up the birth tub to test it out!!!! We relaxed most of the day, and then Scott set it up while Jonathan was napping. We filled it a little later and I got in for the first time after dinner. Ooooooh la la!!!!! Oh my, it was so absolutely delightful. The tub is very roomy and I was able to spend a good deal of time in a modified hands and knees position. I felt so weightless! Outside of the tub, it's harder to spend a lot of time that way because my back gets sore. Not in the tub!!!! It really is wonderful. And I felt baby moving around a bunch. Guess she or he likes to tub too! Jonathan stood by the tub and splashed water everywhere. He had a blast! Scott put down towels all around the tub to catch the water. Jonathan never tired of splashing the water about, and when I got out of the tub he was as soaked as I was!!
Later Sunday evening we rented a movie and drained the tub. Then we went outside and Scott pulled weeds while Jonathan played, and I sat on a chair that Scott brought out for me. It's been so pleasant outside in the evenings.
Now that the time is getting near, I've been thinking about the waiting process that we're going through. At times it amazes me that baby's arrival could be very soon, and yet truly I could be pregnant for another 3-4 weeks. I have very long cycles, and while mid-June is an accurate estimated due date by my LMP, late June is more accurate when adjusted to include my 38-45 day cycles. While I am excited and anxious just like almost every woman about to give birth (and yes, at moments impatient!!), I also have come to a wonderful peace that it is not in my hands. I have always known that "baby will come when he or she is ready" but now I actually *feel* that, like a fact that has finally come to fruition. Giving up control is one of the best things in helping me feel at peace. During the "last days" during my pregnancy with Jonathan, I wanted to do everything I could to start labor. By 39 weeks I was eating spicy food and lots of pineapple, walking a lot, asking my doctor about inducing me at 40 weeks, and I had a general desire and impatience for things to "just get going!!!". And along with my Ob-GYN's philosophy on birth, I thought baby is ready when *we* (meaning she and I) if it's any time after 40 weeks. Now, I believe that is not true. There are many reasons I could list, but since there are many sources for facts (which I formed my opinions from) I just want to express my feelings. This time I believe baby will know when he or she is ready, and when my body is ready too it will go into labor. It may start any day now, and it may start when I'm 42 weeks. I believe that all babies and mamas are different, and take varying amounts of time to progress. While one mother may birth a perfectly developed baby at 38 weeks, it may be 42 weeks before another woman's and baby are ready. I believe that birth works all by itself most of the time (I think most, not all and my generalization, of course, does not include pregnancies with medical problems). I'm constantly bringing the thought to my mind of the woman who birthed her baby while in a coma on a hospital bed. Her body did all the work! It gives me faith in my own body, and how amazingly intricate the human body is. Instead of trying to "get things going", this time at 39 weeks I am trying to get lots of rest, and prepare my body and mind, as best I can, for the labor. I'm focusing on getting baby into a good position, eating well and taking it easy. I'm taking naps when I'm tired, doing things I enjoy, and praying. I am doing all that I can to prepare, but also I believe that this pregnancy and delivery are in the hands of my Lord, my body that He created, and the baby He created in me. I am still nervous, anxious, impatient, excited, and all those things! Believe me!!!! And it's easy to get caught up in my feelings . . . But I know I don't have control. I have to hand over all those emotions and in return I find peace. And during certain moments, it feels kind of scary too because I want this birth to be vaginal so very much, and a healthy happy baby too. The thought of something wrong with our baby or the thought of having to have another c-section and not getting to experience the miracle and blessing of labor and delivery feels like it would be devastating. I want my determination and preparation alone to guarantee me this birth and delivery experience that I so want, but it doesn't. Nothing will guarantee something like that. I can only have faith that God's plan for me is the perfect and best plan. Do I always *feel* that way? No. As I said I do get caught up in my feelings, and often. It's so hard to give up control, especially to the unknown. But I always *know* in my heart what is true, and it guides me and comforts me. I know, I know . . . you're wondering how I'm going to feel two weeks from now! My hope is that I feel the same, or even more secure in what is unknown to me but known to the One who created me.