~ Scared, Emotional, Mess . . . Yes, That's Me
I could write for pages and only scratch the surface of the past week. Therefore, I will merely gloss over the majority and get right to what has my mind swimming in a million directions and tears pricking my eyes. Vegas was Vegas. I actually came back with more money than I left with so I guess that makes me a winner. As hard as I tried to stay on top of work while I was gone, a poor air card signal and a slow remote connection to our server made it impossible. I am also wrapping up my Master's Degree and classes began while I was in Vegas so the lack of internet put me behind there as well. I landed Monday night at 10:30 only to have to turn around the next morning and take Chris in for knee surgery at 6:30am. The timing was rotten as I was going to be out of the office another day and working remotely. Chris had to report at 6:30am and yet Trysta can't be dropped off before 6:30am. The daycare and hospital are 25 minutes apart. The nurse told me I could leave to take Trysta but if I wasn't back before Chris was taken in to surgery they would cancel. It was hospital policy I had to be there the entire time. I am sure I broke several traffic laws but I made it back before they wheeled him in for surgery. I spent the next four hours of trying to catch up on work emails via blackberry. The doctor was great and explained everything and released Chris into my care. I took Chris by my office so I could pick up the growing pile of work that had accumulated and took him home to work and keep an eye on him. He is a difficult patient and doesn't want to be taken care of so we bickered, but I managed to get some work done and keep an eye on him without being too much of a nag.
The next day would be hectic and crazy. I had a one o'clock conference call smack in the middle of the day and so much that needed my attention in the morning the day flew by. After the conference call I noticed I had a voicemail. I admit I am bad about checking them right away, but not wanting to miss anything potentially important I did. It was a call from my doctor's office confirming an appointment on September 24th at 9am with a doctor I had never heard of. I was sure it was a mix up, my ultrasound was the 23rd and I was sure that was the confusion. I called them back only to be greeted by a busy signal. After five attempts, I called the doctor's office where they indicated I had the appointment. It was an automated greeting that announced the office as Maternal Fetal Specialists, my eyes started to tear up and my stomach sank all by these three words.
I tried to calm myself thinking there had to be a mistake, how could I have an appointment and not even know why. I tried the doctor again only to be greeted by a busy signal. I have two cell phones, a work number and a house phone. I only list my house phone as a last resort and stress that people call me at work or on my cell. The house phone is simply for emergencies and no one calls us on it so I admit I only check the voicemail about once every three days. However, I had been out of town for five so on a whim I called this phone and sure enough I had a message from my doctor's office the Thursday I left for Vegas to call them, but that was it. There was nothing about an appointment or why. Now I am really scared, I call my doctor again and now I am on hold. It is taking forever, so I put one on speaker and call the specialist to inquire about my appointment on the 24th and she can't find one, but she says she has me scheduled for today.
Okay now I am thinking it really has to be a mistake how can I have an appointment today and not have one message regarding it. She is confused and can't help but thankfully my doctor's office picks up. They put me through to a nurse and all I can say is, "Iis something wrong with my baby"? She is not the nurse who left the original message and is quickly trying to tell me that my AFP test came back positive and that she thought I knew and she is so sorry to blindside me. She said she just received a note that I hadn't showed up for my appointment this morning. Everything is washing over me in waves and I can't understand what she is saying or comprehend what it means. She is so sorry and tells me they just want to do an ultrasound with the specialist to make sure the baby is okay and I should not worry because there are lots of false positive. But I can't hear her; I just feel all the worst case scenarios screaming in my head. I manage to tell her I called the specialist and they don't have me for the 24th. She tells me she will call them and get it straightened out but she tells me not to worry.
I am worrier by nature so asking me not to worry is hysterical and when you are talking about my baby, well the request is downright insane. I call my husband who I can't reach. I get my mother and I am hysterical not knowing for sure what it means, only that something could be wrong with the baby. I am sure that all of the medications and stress my body was under over the past year have done this and it is my fault. My common sense is yelling in the background that getting this upset is fruitless and what's done is done and I can't change it and there is no point in getting upset until I go to the appointment. However, my emotional side that is madly in love with this tiny baby and scared senseless just can't listen and I can't stop crying. Needless, to say I was a mess and the rest of the day I couldn't think of anything else. My husband was the voice of reason and between my mother and sister and his rough tactics I was able to calm myself down to think logically. My doctor's office called me back and said they could get me in for Tuesday but insisted I not worry.
I know the next five days will be hard waiting but I will do my best to stay calm and not go off the deep end. I do plan to read as much about AFP tests as I possibly can and from what I have gathered so far there are two positives, low levels indicate an increased possibility for Down Syndrome and high levels can indicate Spina Bifida and equally scary issues. I am not sure which category my test fell in and that is unnerving. However, the bottom line is that while the thought of something being wrong with my baby is terrifying, it is still my baby and I already love it more than I could ever explain and nothing will change that.
So for now I wait . . . I will update you soon.